Painting 101

With little explanation, I find myself itching to get outside and begin that most laborious of springtime chores – repainting the house. Now don't get me wrong, I rather dread the actual work involved in repainting a house. But I do enjoy the time outside and the simple satisfaction of watching the paint dry. And I suppose in anticipation of spring's eventual arrival, I have taken it upon myself to also repaint a few rooms inside the house. (I suppose you could call it practice for when the temperature rises, and I can paint outdoors without fear of frostbite.)

But all that aside, I would like to offer you a few tips and techniques that should help make your springtime repainting as painless as possible. Of course, as with all my tips, it does depend upon your situation. So feel free to pick and choose which tips suit your needs the best.

• If you don't want paint on it, cover it up. Sure, it does take some time to tape up all the trim and lay out the drop cloths. But in the end, you will save yourself the time and frustration of scraping off all that unwanted paint. Plus when you're all done painting, you get to tear off all that tape and create a giant, sticky ball to adhere to the back of your house cat. And that's funny, right there.
  
  
• If you're not sure what color to choose, start in the closet. And that's not to say – look in the closet for inspiration from your clothes (which I suppose you could do...). But the true meaning of this tip is to say – pick a paint color you like and start painting inside the closet. That way when you discover that walls should never be painted neon teal, you can simply choose another color to paint the rest of the room, and keep your closet door closed at all times.
  
  
• Always make sure that the lid is firmly in place before shaking the paint can. Unless, of course, you are going for the blood spatter look...
  
  
• Artists always sign their work. So be certain to paint your name or another secret message in the center of each wall before proceeding to paint the rest of the wall.
  
  
• And finally, if you simply abhor painting, then do something “abstract.” Purchase several gallons of paint in various colors and slosh them about the house. If anyone asks why you're doing that, simply say something like: “It's an existential representation of my acrimony for society's preoccupation with chromatic conformity.” Like they'll know what that means...