Thursday, June 30, 2011

Fourth of July Decorations

It wouldn't be much of a Fourth of July celebration without a few decorations, now would it? And in preparation for this most patriot of holidays, I've compiled a list of some creative, do-it-yourself party decorations that would make Uncle Sam proud.

  • If you don't have the time or the money to purchase festive red, white, and blue streamers, try hanging strips of red, white, and blue duck tape from your house, nearby trees, utility poles, and neighbors. Not only will it look like your home is draped in beautifully patriot ribbon, but the sticky side of the tape should also double as chemical-free fly paper! It's win, win.

  • The Fourth of July is also a great time to use those Valentine's Day decorations. Not only will the bright red color of all those decorations add to your festive color scheme, but all the heart-shaped decorations should tell your dinner guests that you really love this country.

  • If there are going to be any small children at your party, purchase some red, white, and blue face paint. Then, set the kids loose and let them paint each other's faces with decorative stars, stripes, and fake mustaches. Not only will this keep the children entertained, but it will also make the little tykes into walking, talking Fourth of July decorations.

  • And if your children aren't the face painting sort, then use the excess face paint to decorate a greased up piglet with festive stars and stripes and set the swine free for a fun game of catch the Patriot Piglet.

  • Lastly, it wouldn't be the Fourth of July without a few fireworks. But if fireworks are too expensive or too illegal for you taste, then make your own “fireworks.” Simple loads a potato gun with glitter and the requisite potato plug, and shoot the glitter into the air for a beautiful, cheap, and legal daytime fireworks display.

Enjoy your Fourth of July!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Backyard BBQ

With the Fourth of July just around the corner, you might be worrying a bit about that customary backyard barbecue. What will you serve? Who will you invite? How much propane and what propane accessories will you need? For such a simple party, backyard barbecues really do require a bit of thought. But don't worry. Today, I'll share with you a few key tips that should make your Fourth of July bash a great success.

  • Keep the menu simple. Sure it might be kind of fun to try deep-fat frying that beer-marinated tur-duck-hen with cornbread and sausage stuffing. But let's be honest here – that's a lot of work for a simple backyard affair. Plus, if you're inexperienced at deep-fat frying 20-pound turkeys, you're probably better off sticking to far less combustible entrées like cheeseburgers and hotdogs...

  • Be certain to purchase a lot of ice. Not only will the summer heat prompt all your guests to ice down their sweet teas, lemonades, and foreheads; but the mounds of mayonnaise-based cole slaws, noodle salads, and egg salads are going to require several large coolers of ice. (Unless of course, you don't like your dinner guests and wish to send them all home early with stomach-churning party favors...)

  • If you don't feel like cooking everything, then don't. Backyard barbecues are a great opportunity to do dinner á la potluck. So ask your guests to bring along a salad or two and share in the labor. Maybe you'll even get lucky and all of your dinner guests will bring a potato salad. Thus, enabling you to host an impromptu potato salad taste testing that should provide for a moment or two of entertainment.

  • Don't forget to stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.

  • And forget about the fine china. It's a backyard barbecue! If you're serving on anything other than disposable picnic-ware, you're either far too wealthy for your own good, or you have some sort of dishwashing neurosis that requires professional help. So break out the Chinet and enjoy your day in the sun!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Bit of Schmaltz

Do you have a wedding anniversary coming up soon? Well if so, you are probably feeling a bit obligated to purchase that customary anniversary card and inscribe said card with some schmaltzy message. But let's be honest here, unless you're newly weds, you're probably running a little low on schmaltz and need a couple of new loving messages to write inside that card. So today, I'll offer you a few new ideas. With any luck, one of the following notes will sum up your feelings and satisfy your partner's need for all that anniversary mushiness. Or... well... until next year, that is...

  • Like my evening glass of beer, I find that I love you more and more each year.

  • What's true love? True love is holding hands... taking long walks through the park... and buying his and her towels. True love is growing old and fat together... laughing at the same old jokes... and ignoring each other's gas. True love is what we share, and writing silly little notes like this to prove that we still care.

  • You know how much I love bacon, right? Well, if I had to choose between you or bacon. I'd choose you – probably...

  • I still reminisce about our first date. Thanks for taking pity on me and agreeing to go out a second time.

  • If I had the money, I'd fly you to Paris. If I had the time, I'd knit you a sweater. If I had the talent, I'd write you a song. And if I had the abs, I'd... well... you remember. But since I don't, I guess you'll have to settle for this – a simple love note that's sealed with a kiss.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wedding Planning, Part IX

Have you thought about your wedding cake yet? Well, if you haven't – get crackin'! (Or else risk serving a mermaid-themed ice cream cake from the freezer section of your local grocery store...) Not only will it take you some time to make all the necessary wedding cake decisions, but the average wedding cake baker will also need at least a few days to actually create the thing. (If not longer – many bakers need a month or more to plan and prepare the final confection.) So when it comes to ordering your wedding cake, be certain to start the process early. And, I know that can be a daunting thought. Let's be honest here, with so much already on your to-do list, who really has time to decide between buttercream or fondant; vanilla or chocolate; cake or styrofoam? But don't worry. Today, I have a few tips that should make developing your perfect wedding cake a cinch.

First, ask yourself a few questions. How many people does the cake need to feed? How large do you want the cake to be? Where and when will it be served? How can I store the cake until it is served? Answering these questions should help you decide many factors about your wedding cake. For instance – if you are only going to have 30 people at your wedding, but want a 5-tiered cake that's large enough to serve an army, tell your baker this. He or she can easily frost a couple blocks of styrofoam and insert them into your wedding cake to give it the height boost it needs to meet your grand expectations. (Just be certain that when it comes to cutting the cake, you know exactly which layers are cake and which are styrofoam...) These question will also help you decide which icing is best. If you can't refrigerate the cake, you'll probably want to use fondant, marzipan, or some other icing that will stay fresh at room temperature.

Second, find inspiration for your wedding cake design. It's your cake, it should look the way you want it to. But if you have no clue how you want it to look, then find something you like and take it to the bakery with you. You'd be amazed how a creative baker can draw inspiration from a roll of your favorite toilet paper and a can of your preferred beer and transform those ideas into the beautifully quilted, beer can-shaped wedding cake of your dreams.

And third, keep is simple. This rule particularly applies to the type and favoring of your cake. Face it, this cake will be feeding a crowd. And unless you want to hear people grumbling all night because you decided to put raisins in the cake, I recommend keeping things basic. Doing so will satisfy the tastes of your more boring wedding guests. Plus, let's be honest here, that slice of freezer-burnt one-year anniversary cake is going to taste funny enough without all the shriveled raisins, candied kumquats, and pickled ginger that you might be thinking about baking into your wedding cake... Keep it simple.

Well those are my wedding cake tips for this week. I hope they help. And until next week, I wish you good luck with all your wedding day plans! 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Lemon-Mixed Berry Tart

LEMON-MIXED BERRY TART

Lemon is one of the most popular dessert flavors. And this recipe for Lemon-Mixed Berry Tart is so intensely flavored with lemon, that it's almost impossible to resist.

Makes one 8-by-11-inch tart

6
tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more for greasing

All-purpose flour, for dusting

Pastry for 1 one-crust pie, or 1 store-bought refrigerated pie crust, chilled
6
large egg yolks
cups granulated sugar
½
cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
pinch
kosher salt

Zest of 2 lemons, finely grated
2
pints assorted fresh berries, such as blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries, trimmed as needed

Confectioner's sugar, as needed for dusting

Fresh mint leaves, for garnish

Preheat the oven to 375°F. Butter an 8-by-11-inch tart pan and set aside. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pie crust and fit it into the prepared tart pan. Line the crust with parchment paper and top the paper with ceramic baking weights or dried beans (this will keep the bottom of the crust flat). Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes. Then, remove the weights and parchment paper and continue to bake until the crust is golden, 10 to 15 minutes more. Remove the crust and cool.

In the bowl of a double boiler or bain marie set over simmering water, whisk together the egg yolks, granulated sugar, lemon juice, and salt. Continue to cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture has thickened to a puddling-like consistency, about 10 minutes.

Remove the lemon mixture from the heat and pass through a fine mesh sieve, discarding any remaining solids. Stir in the lemon zest and butter. Pour the lemon filling into the cooled tart crust. Cover with a sheet of plastic wrap (pressing the plastic directly onto the surface of the lemon filling), and refrigerate until well chilled, about 1 hour.

Then, arrange the assorted berries on top of the chilled tart. If needed, sweeten the berries with a dusting of confectioner's sugar. Garnish the tart with fresh mint leaves and serve.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

National Take Your Dog to Work Day?

Did you know that today is National Take Your Dog to Work Day? Well... It is. And before you ask, allow me to say – I have no clue why a person would want to take his/her dog to work for a day. But, should be feel inclined to celebrate this day to its fullest extent by taking your pooch to the office, here are a few suggestions for fun activities that you two can enjoy during your day at work.

  • Strap a little cart to your dog and allow him/her to deliver the office mail.
  • Dip your dog's paws in ink and allow him/her to stamp all your paperwork with his/her doggie seal of approval.
  • Play pranks on your coworkers by leaving fake (or perhaps not so fake) doggie poo on their desks, chairs, and photocopiers.
  • Set up a doggie drinking fountain near the water cooler so you may share a bit of office gossip.
  • Play tug-of-war with the new guy's necktie.
  • Take your pooch out for a power lunch.
  • Feed any boring paperwork to your dog, and then use the ol' “my dog ate it” excuse at your next project status meeting.
  • Encourage the puppy to “water” all the office plants for you.
  • Release the hound(s) on any unwanted solicitors.
  • Allow your dog to sit in for you at your teleconference with Tokyo - just to see if anyone notices...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Baby Shower Do's and Don'ts

When hosting a baby shower:

  • Do: Invite all the female friends/family of the expectant mother (even crazy Aunt Joyce and her daughter, Toshiba).
  • Don't: Invite any male of any sort – that's just cruel and unusual punishment.

  • Do: Serve some delicious alcohol-free drinks to all your guests.
  • Don't: Serve all those delicious alcohol-free drink in baby bottles – it's just too many bottles to scrub afterward.

  • Do: Purchase a thoughtful gift for the expectant mother and wrap that gift in pretty pastel paper.
  • Don't: Regift your son's/daughter's used changing table. You saw what that kid did on that table – it should be marked as a biohazard and burned...

  • Do: Serve your guests a light buffet of civilized tea sandwiches, canapes, and other finger foods.
  • Don't: Serve the expectant mother anything spicy. (Unless of course, you're hoping to induce labor...)

  • Do: Compliment the expectant mother often throughout the baby shower.
  • Don't: Tell the expectant mother that she “hardly looks pregnant” – it's not a compliment, and you might as well just call her fat...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ten Terrible Pickup Lines

The other day I was having a discussion with a friend about pickup lines. You know what I mean? Those one-liners that people sometimes use to start a conversation in the interest of redirecting the festivities from the bar and into the bedroom. Well anyway, my friend was sharing with me a story of this “pathetic pickup” in which this “gawky little bald man” was hitting on her in a bar. And that got me thinking – what are some of the worst pickup lines out there? Well in case you were ever wondering the same thing, I've compiled a list of some of the worst. Enjoy!

10 Terrible Pickup Lines
(avoid at all costs!)

  • You make that headgear look good...
  • My parole officer over there dared me to come buy you a drink.
  • Did you know that hair can migrate? Yeah, mine moved from my head to my back. Wanna see?
  • You look just like that woman I saw on TV last night. What was her name? Umm... Oh yeah - Mrs. Doubtfire.
  • I've got a Prius. Wanna go for a ride?
  • You're as beautiful as an ostrich.
  • Wanna go back to my place? My parents won't be back from bingo for at least another 20 minutes...
  • I'm training to become a TSA officer. Can I practice my pat downs with you?
  • You're hot, and I'm ugly. Let's go make some average babies.
  • The last girl I was with called me The Flash.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Wedding Planning, Part VIII

Selecting the right wedding photographer is another important step of the wedding planning process. Let's be honest here, the difference between a scrapbook filled with fond wedding memories and a depressingly short slideshow of blurry blobs is which photographer you choose to work with. So it is very important that you take a moment to really consider your photography options. Of course, there is no reason to panic over your wedding pictures - selecting the right photographer is a simple process. And today, I'll share with you a few tips that should help you make the right photographer decision.

First, identify the photographers that work in your area. (This can be done by looking in the Yellow Pages, getting recommendations from friends/family/wedding planners/town busybodies, and searching the Internet.) Then, Google search each potential wedding photographer's name to find sample photographs, recommendations, and customer ratings. Doing so will help you narrow the list down by giving you the information you need to eliminate any inexperienced or unprofessional photographers, as well as any porn photographers...

Second, determine exactly what type of photographic services you will be needing. Do you want a wedding video? Do you want photos of just the wedding, or of the entire day – start to finish? Do you want a photographer with a Star Wars themed background for your Princess Leia – themed wedding? Well, not all wedding photographers offer the same services. So visit their websites and see exactly what each photographer is willing to do. Then, narrow down your list of potential photographers some more - excluding any photographers that don't offer what you want.

And third, contact the photographers directly to check for their rates and availability. Chances are - if you're booking a photographer only a month or two in advance of the wedding – you'll probably end up with some hairy guy named Earl and his backpack-full of disposable cameras... So do your research and book early!

I hope that helps. And until next week, good luck with all your wedding plans.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Panzanella

PANZANELLA

Panzanella is a traditional Tuscan salad made with cubes of toasted bread, fresh vegetables, and a simple vinaigrette. It is a simple recipe that makes a perfect side dish for any summertime meal. And the addition of canned cannellini beans also allows this salad to double as a delicious vegetarian entrée.

Serves 6 to 8

1
small loaf country bread, cut into 1-inch cubes
½
cup, plus 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1
pint cherry tomatoes, halved
1
English cucumber, halved and thinly sliced
¼
red onion, peeled and thinly sliced
½
cup Kalamata olives, pitted
¼
cup fresh basil leaves, torn
1
can (15 ounces) cannellini beans, drained and rinsed (optional)
4
ounces Halloumi or fresh Mozzarella, cut into ½-inch cubes
½
cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
3
tablespoons red wine vinegar
1
clove garlic, peeled and finely minced


Preheat the broiler and move the oven rack so it sets approximately 4 inches from the heat. On a baking sheet, drizzle the cubes of bread with 2 tablespoons of the olive oil. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Toss together, and then spread the bread out into a single layer. Toast the bread under the preheated broiler until golden brown and slightly charred along the edges, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.


Transfer the toasted bread cubes to a large mixing bowl. Add the tomatoes, cucumber, red onion, olives, basil leaves, cannellini beans, and cheeses. Toss the mixture together until well combined.

In a small mixing bowl, whisk the remaining ½ cup of olive oil with the red wine vinegar and garlic. Season the vinaigrette to taste with salt and black pepper. Dress the salad with the vinaigrette (you may not use it all), and toss once again. Serve the Panzanella at room temperature or refrigerate for up to 1 day.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ten Gifts for Dad

With Father's Day just around the corner, you might be looking for a few creative gift ideas to give good ol' dad. Well, look no further. Today, I'll provide you with a few great Father's Day gift ideas. Of course, you know your father better than I do. So select your gift idea based upon his sense of humor. But I think there is a broad enough range of gift ideas here, that you should be able to find something to suit your father's taste.

And if you're a father, allow me to be the first to say, “Happy Father's Day!”

Ten Gifts for Dad:

  • A bunch of tie tacks – for use with all the neckties that less creative people will be giving him.
  • A yoga DVD – it sure is funny to watch him try...
  • A multi-tool – there must be something in there he can use...
  • A hearing aid – if he doesn't need it now, he will soon...
  • A lifetime supply of pork rinds – the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Some bait fish – Father's Day is the only time of the year when a bag of stinky fish is the perfect gift.
  • A membership to the mustard of the month club – there are always hot dogs to be mustard-ed.
  • Any gift that involves bird watching, weather forecasting, or neighborhood kid yelling – to prepare him for the old man years...
  • Beer, ketchup, and/or toilet paper – doesn't everyone need those?
  • A gift certificate for one free knee replacement – it'll come in handy one day...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

College Food, Part II

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a posting entitled “College Food.” And since then, I have had many college students contact me and ask for additional college food suggestions. So today, I'll provide you with a few more tips that should not only keep all you college students well fed, but also (hopefully) save you some money.

First, don't try to cook like your mother. And that's not to say that your mother is a bad cook, because – well, if she's anything like my mother, she's unequivocally a great cook. No, the point I'm making here is – don't overdo yourself. You're not (or presumably not) a 40-something year-old with a couple decades of cooking experience and a fully stocked kitchen. No, you're a young college student with little cooking experience, living in a tiny apartment equipped with a hotplate and a couple of milk crates. It is perfectly fine to make yourself a large salad or a bacon and cheese omelet and call that dinner.

Second, go out and buy a couple of good cookbooks. (Or well... ultimately, you'll need to buy three cookbooks, but since my cookbook is not yet published, we'll stick with the first two.) Purchase an inexpensive Italian cookbook and inexpensive Mexican cookbook. Why those two, you might ask? Well, the Italians and the Mexicans have become masters of affordable eating. Truly, I think more than any other cuisine the, Italians and the Mexicans have developed a delicious repertoire of recipes that one can prepare on very little money. And buying both books allows you to mix it up once in a while. Because let's be honest here – spaghetti is a very cheap and delicious dish, but after a month of nothing by marinara, you're probably going to want a taco or two.

And third, share the burden. Starting a dinner club is a great way to not only save yourself from cooking every night, but it can also save you money. So get together with a small “family” of friends and take turns cooking. It'll give you a break from the kitchen. You'll learn some new recipes. And since you're buying everything in bulk, you might as well allow your friends to help you finish that 5 gallon pail of mayonnaise before it expires at the end of this month...

I hope these tips help. And good luck to all the college students out there who are heading into their first summer on their own.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sorry I Made You Allergic...

Despite our best efforts, there are times when we can't help but forget our own ingredients. And before you know it, you're feeding your crab-laced potato surprise to your crustacean-intolerant cousin. And while he's breaking out in hives and falling to the floor to gasp for air like a fish out of water, you think - “Oh yeah, my potato surprise does have shellfish in it. Oops...” It happens to the best of us.

Well today, I'll share with you a few ways to apologize for such potentially hazardous culinary oversights. Of course, which option you select is dependent upon the sense of humor of your anaphylactic victim. But I think there is something here to suit the tastes of most allergic dinner guests.

  • Of course, the obvious answer is a heartfelt apology detailing your negligent oversight and great remorse at causing your culinary victim any undo discomfort. This is, of course, served alongside a polite offer to pay for any associated medical fees, and a legally binding waiver that prevents the still woozy victim from pursuing any legal action.

  • Tell your culinary victim of any food allergies you might have. Not only will this give you an opportunity to bond over the experience, but it might also give your victim a few retaliatory ideas to dish up at your next dinner party. (And with that said, I also recommend that you carry some allergy medicine with you and save the number of the nearest ER on your cellphone just in case your victim decides to bake you a wonderfully vengeful peanut surprise...)

  • Offer to pay for a tasteful “I am allergic to ” tattoo. The tattoo can be placed on your culinary victim's hands, arms, chest, or forehead and serve as a permanent reminder that he/she is in fact allergic to .

  • And if all else fails - blame the kids. A simple - “I'm so sorry, Andrew. I have no idea how the walnuts got into your salad. Maybe the kids were playing in the kitchen when I wasn't looking...” always works, because let's face it, who can really get mad at a child? All they have to do is dig out the puppy dog eyes and say “I'm sowwy,” and all is forgiven...

I hope that helps. And best wishes to your culinary victim on his/her speedy recovery.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Wedding Planning, Part VII

Perhaps the best part of getting married is all the wonderful wedding gifts that you receive. (Well that and the whole - living with the love of your life for eternity - thing...) But unless you want to receive those ubiquitous wedding toaster ovens from a dozen of your guests, I recommend that you take a moment to prepare a wedding registry at your favorite store. Sure, it might seem a little greedy to compile a list of all your needs and desires to unceremoniously present to your wedding guests. But let's face it, most of those guests will be purchasing you a gift (be it out of generosity or a feeling of social obligation). And those people might as well know what you like so they can give you a gift you might actually use. So with that said, allow me to offer you a few tips about preparing that wedding registry.

First, unless your friends and family are all executives at Fortune 500 companies, I recommend that you steer clear of the luxury stores. You know the ones I mean – the stores with the locked display cases and WWE-sized security guards. All you'll find in those stores are $500 gilded crystal gravy boats. And aside from the fact that many of your guests will think it's a little... inconsiderate for you to ask for a $500 gilded crystal gravy boat, you're a couple of newlyweds! Do you really need a $500 gilded crystal gravy boat? I'm guessing - probably not. I imagine that like most newly weds, you're needs and desires fall more into the range of $10 juice glasses and $2 toilet paper. So select a store that offers products you need/want at affordable prices.

Second, select a broad range of products from a variety of departments. This will not only ensure that there will be a large selection of products for your guests to choose from, but it will also provide a broad range of prices (enabling your guests to select gifts that fit easily into their budgets). Plus, let's face it – opening up 100 gifts all from your chosen store's bedding department isn't nearly as exciting as opening up 100 gifts from a broad range of departments. One minute you unwrap a wonderful espresso maker, the next a sea kayak with paddle included! It's much more exciting that way.

And finally – third, get specific. If you want your wedding guests to buy you sweaters, don't just write sweaters on the gift registry. Instead, go and find specific sweaters that you like. (And many stores make this easy for you by providing handy-dandy barcode readers that will record your favorite items automatically.) If you don't get specific with your gift registry, you run the risk of all your... thoughtful and creative guests running out to the nearest yarn store to purchase the supplies they need to knit you a delightfully oversized and rumbled sweater. You know the sweaters I mean – the ones with your initials sewn into the front in great guacamole-colored letters...

So those are my wedding gift registry tips. I hope they help. And until next Monday, I wish you good luck with all your wedding planning!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Indian-Spiced Shrimp Pitas

INDIAN-SPICED SHRIMP PITAS

This recipe for Indian-Spiced Shrimp Pitas is one of my favorites. Not only is it delicious and healthy, but it's also a recipe that you can make in under 10 minutes.

Serves 4

2
pounds medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
3
tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1
tablespoon, plus 1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lime juice
1
teaspoon paprika
1
teaspoon ground cumin
¼
teaspoon Cayenne pepper

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
4
cups mesclun or mixed greens
1
small English cucumber, halved and thinly sliced
¼
red onion, peeled and thinly sliced
4
whole wheat pita breads, toasted and halved into pockets
½
cup plain yogurt
1
tablespoon fresh mint, coarsely chopped


Preheat the broiler and move the oven rack so it sets approximately 4 inches from the heat. On a baking sheet, drizzle the shrimp with 2 tablespoons of the olive oil and 1 tablespoon of the lime juice. Sprinkle the shrimp with the paprika, cumin, and Cayenne pepper. Season with salt and black pepper. Toss together, and then spread the shrimp out into a single layer. Roast the shrimp under the preheated broiler until cooked through, 4 to 5 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.


Meanwhile, in a mixing bowl, combine the mesclun or mixed greens with the cucumber and red onion. Drizzle the salad with the remaining 1 tablespoon of the olive oil and 1 teaspoon of the lime juice. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Toss until well combined. Stuff each pita pocket with some of the salad mixture and the reserved roasted shrimp.


In a small mixing bowl, combine the plain yogurt with the fresh mint. Season the mixture to taste with salt and black pepper. Stir to thoroughly combine. Drizzle some of the yogurt mixture over the top of each pita sandwich and serve immediately.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Ten Gifts for High School Grads

With this being graduation season, you might be looking for a few creative gift ideas to give that recent high school grad. And though, in such cases, I would normally advise giving money to that highly educated, yet poorly paid teen, I am sure that some of you are looking for a more thoughtful (or at the very least – humorous) gift idea. So today, I'll offer you my top gift ideas for that high school grad.

Ten Gifts for High School Grads:

  • A digital camera – for use in photographing all of his/her high school friends (so he/she may hopefully remember some of their names when the 10-year reunion comes around...)
  • An acoustic guitar - so the grad can play the role of the “quiet and sensitive, yet oddly sexy musician” at his/her college campus
  • A Crock-Pot (preferably filled with cocktail sausages, meatballs, or some other form of thoroughly unhealthy finger food)
  • A potted plant (not to be confused with a pot plant...)
  • Several pairs of flip-flops with the note “For the Dormitory Showers” and a photo of a fungus-ridden foot attached to the label
  • A corkscrew – for the grad that spent 7 years in high school and is now legally old enough to drink
  • A year-long supply of toilet paper - the gift that keeps on giving
  • Some clothes hangers – that way the kid doesn't have to steal all of his/her parent's hangers when he/she moves out
  • A pet snail (most college dormitories don't allow pet dogs, cats, or rodents...)
  • A summer job – let's be honest here, the grad is really just looking for money, so why not use that grad as cheap labor to mow your lawn, paint your fence, and reshingle your roof?

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Melon Ease

Have you ever heard of Melon Ease? No, it's not some form of skin cancer (although it does sound a bit like that...). It's actually a... unique kitchen gadget that helps you carve up a melon with – ease. If you've never seen a Melon Ease, it looks like one of those plastic balls that some anal-retentive women wash their bras in. Only in the case of the Melon Ease, the gadget has a series of blades integrated into the plastic wire that not only is designed to remove the melon rind, but to also cut the flesh into large chunks. It seems practical enough, right?

Well... aside from the fact that the Melon Ease is about the size of a large cantaloupe (making storage a problem), and it costs between $10 and $20, I have to say – it seems a bit like a waste of money. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not one to criticize anyone for coming up with creative solutions to life's problems. But is cutting a melon truly one of life's problems. I mean, we all carve pumpkins each Halloween, turkeys each Thanksgiving, and heart-shaped everyone on Valentine's Day. Is carving up a melon any different, or any more difficult?

I dunno... If you are the sort that finds melon cutting to be one of life's great challenges, and you can't help but hack at your honeydew in a fury of tears and shattered nerves – then, I advise you purchase this kitchen gadget. But if you're more like me and find melon cutting to be tantamount to potato peeling, I recommend that you save your shelf space and your $10.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

School's Out?

With school soon ending for the year, you might be asking yourself, “What am I going to do with the kids all summer?” Well, don't worry. Today, I'll share with you some of my favorite entertaining ideas for children. Not only are they fun activities, but they should keep the kids occupied long enough for you to enjoy a bit of your summer as well.

  • Set up a swimming pool. And that's not to say that you have to dig an expensive in-ground affair this week in preparation for school's closing. But an affordable swimming pool will keep your children (and their friends) occupied for the entire summer. Plus, having a pool allows the kids to slack off on their daily hygiene. Let's be honest here, after an entire school year spent fighting with your children to take their daily (or in some cases - weekly) showers, you can rest assured that your children are getting rinsed off at least once a day during their swim sessions.

  • Send the kiddies to summer camp! Not only will they learn valuable life lessons during their time away from home, but they will also make new friends, weave some baskets, and have many a humorous tale to share about their summers at band camp...

  • If sending your children away to summer camp isn't an option for you, then make your own summer camp. While the children are attending their final days of school, take the time to move all their possessions out of their bedroom and into a large tent pitched in the backyard. That way your children will have all the comforts of home without actually being in your home all day. It's win, win!

  • I know I've given you this tip before, but it really does work – grease up a piglet and let it run loose about the house. Your children will chase that piglet to exhaustion morning, noon, and night. And you'll rest assured that your children are not only up and about getting exercise, but all that pig exposure might just help the kiddies build up an immunity to next season's pig flu.

  • And lastly, if your children aren't really the active sort, then get them each a Kindle (or similar device). You'd be amazed how a flashy new e-reader can preoccupy your children's attention long enough to get them to read a book or two this summer. And let's face, anything that gets your children to drop their video game controls and pick up a book, is a good thing.

Have a great summer!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Wedding Planning, Part VI

It seems that more and more brides are opting for “theme” weddings. You know what I mean – those winter wonderland weddings... those nudist colony weddings... those Klingon weddings... What ever happened to a simple white wedding? Now we all have to wear hula skirts and strategically placed coconuts to meet that Hawaiian beach wedding dress code. But I suppose tossing a theme into the wedding mix does certainly enable the bride and groom to truly tailor their special day to their own interests. So with that in mind, today I'll share some tips and techniques that should help you select that perfect wedding theme, and make your wedding a day to remember.

First, consider the date and location of your wedding. Sure it might be fun to host an outdoor Garden of Eden-themed wedding with the apples and the serpents... But if your wedding is set for January 14th in Vorkuta, Siberia, you might want to rethink an outdoor wedding (or at the very least – the fig leaf dress code...). So choose a theme that lends itself naturally to your date and location. For instance, hosting a pumpkin patch – themed wedding in a beautiful old barn during the month of October would make perfect sense. As would hosting a masquerade wedding around Halloween. Although I have to say - the idea of attending a wedding in which the bridesmaids are dressed up like a murder of bedazzled crows doesn't necessarily appeal to me... But I digress.

Second, consider the cost. A champagne and caviar wedding would be great, particularly if your wedding is sometime around New Year's Eve. But before you get your heart set on that champagne-spouting fountain and that glistening statue of The David molded entirely out of beluga, think about how much those things will cost. If you can't afford them (or perhaps more to the point - if you're not Bill Gates' child), then select a theme that is more in your price range. I have attended many a wedding that was done on a budget. And in most cases, the best themes were also the cheapest.

And third, think about your personal taste and style. A summertime wedding, in a quaint southern pecan grove would be wonderful. Unless of coarse you're allergic to pecans... So think about who you are and what you like. Then, develop your wedding theme around that. And hey, if you don't like anything or anyone – there's no law out there that says you have to have a theme for your wedding day.

I hope that helps. And until next week, good luck with all your wedding plans.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Turkey Burgers

TURKEY BURGERS

If you're looking for something a little bit healthier than that traditional beef cheeseburger, try my recipe for Turkey Burgers. They are low in fat, but still full of flavor.

Serves 4


Olive oil, for greasing
pounds ground turkey, light and dark meat
¼
cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2
scallions, thinly sliced
2
cloves garlic, peeled and minced
2
tablespoons fresh thyme, leaves picked
1
tablespoon Dijon mustard

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
8
thin slices Swiss cheese
4
sesame seed buns, split and toasted
½
cup prepared mayonnaise
½
cup sour cream
1
teaspoon Ancho chili powder
1
teaspoon Cayenne pepper

Assorted toppings, such as avocado, cooked bacon, ketchup, lettuce, mustard, pickles, red onion and tomatoes

    Preheat the grill to medium-high, and brush the grate with a little olive oil. In a mixing bowl, combine the turkey with the Parmesan, scallions, garlic, thyme, and Dijon mustard. Season with salt and black pepper. With your hands, gently mix the meat and seasonings together, being careful not to compress the meat. Form the mixture into four ½-inch-thick patties.
    Place the patties on the preheated grill. Cook, flipping once, until well browned and cooked through, 5 to 6 minutes per side. During the last minute of grilling, place 2 slices of Swiss cheese on each burger and allow the cheese to melt. If desired, season the burgers with additional salt and black pepper. Then, sandwich the burgers between the toasted buns.
    Meanwhile, in a small bowl, mix together the mayonnaise, sour cream, Ancho chili powder, and Cayenne pepper. Season the mixture to taste with salt and black pepper. Serve the spicy mayonnaise and the assorted toppings along with the finished Turkey Burgers, allowing your dinner guests to garnish their burgers as they desire.