Painting 101

With little explanation, I find myself itching to get outside and begin that most laborious of springtime chores – repainting the house. Now don't get me wrong, I rather dread the actual work involved in repainting a house. But I do enjoy the time outside and the simple satisfaction of watching the paint dry. And I suppose in anticipation of spring's eventual arrival, I have taken it upon myself to also repaint a few rooms inside the house. (I suppose you could call it practice for when the temperature rises, and I can paint outdoors without fear of frostbite.)

But all that aside, I would like to offer you a few tips and techniques that should help make your springtime repainting as painless as possible. Of course, as with all my tips, it does depend upon your situation. So feel free to pick and choose which tips suit your needs the best.

• If you don't want paint on it, cover it up. Sure, it does take some time to tape up all the trim and lay out the drop cloths. But in the end, you will save yourself the time and frustration of scraping off all that unwanted paint. Plus when you're all done painting, you get to tear off all that tape and create a giant, sticky ball to adhere to the back of your house cat. And that's funny, right there.
  
  
• If you're not sure what color to choose, start in the closet. And that's not to say – look in the closet for inspiration from your clothes (which I suppose you could do...). But the true meaning of this tip is to say – pick a paint color you like and start painting inside the closet. That way when you discover that walls should never be painted neon teal, you can simply choose another color to paint the rest of the room, and keep your closet door closed at all times.
  
  
• Always make sure that the lid is firmly in place before shaking the paint can. Unless, of course, you are going for the blood spatter look...
  
  
• Artists always sign their work. So be certain to paint your name or another secret message in the center of each wall before proceeding to paint the rest of the wall.
  
  
• And finally, if you simply abhor painting, then do something “abstract.” Purchase several gallons of paint in various colors and slosh them about the house. If anyone asks why you're doing that, simply say something like: “It's an existential representation of my acrimony for society's preoccupation with chromatic conformity.” Like they'll know what that means...

Baked Eggs in Toast Cups

OPEN KITCHEN with NATHAN SCOTT

Baked Eggs in Toast Cups

Served with a simple tomato salad, this recipe makes the perfect addition to any brunch menu.

Ingredients

            Serves 6

	¼	cup, plus 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for greasing
	6	slices whole-wheat bread
		Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	6	large eggs
	2	pounds assorted tomatoes, such as beefsteak, cherry, pear, and grape
	1	bunch (about 4 ounces) watercress or arugula, well washed and dried
	2	tablespoons balsamic vinegar
	1	tablespoon fresh chives, finely chopped, plus more for garnish
		Parmesan cheese, shaved, for garnish
	1	pound bacon, cooked until crispy and drained of excess grease

Directions

1.    Preheat the oven to 375°F.  Lightly grease a large 6-cup muffin tin with olive oil and set aside.  If desired, remove the crusts from the 6 slices of bread and discard.  Using a rolling pin, flatten the slices of bread.  Then, brush one side of each slice of bread with 1 teaspoon of the olive oil, and season with salt and black pepper.  Gently press the bread, greased-side-down, into the prepared muffin tin, being sure the slices of bread completely line the muffin cups.  Place in the preheated oven and bake until lightly toasted, about 2 minutes.

2.    Remove the muffin tin from the oven.  Crack one egg into each bread cup, being careful not to break the yolk.  Season the egg with salt and black pepper.  Then, return the muffin tin to the oven and continue to bake until the egg white is just set and the yolk is still soft, 12 to 15 minutes.  (If you prefer your eggs to be hard-cooked, continue baking to the desired degree of doneness.) 

3.    While the eggs are baking, trim the tomatoes and cut them into bite-sized pieces.  Combine the tomatoes in a mixing bowl with the watercress or arugula.  In a separate mixing bowl, whisk the remaining ¼ cup olive oil together with the balsamic vinegar and 1 tablespoon of chives.  Season the vinaigrette with salt and black pepper and drizzle over the tomato salad. 

4.    Remove the eggs from the oven and cool slightly before transferring the baked eggs to six serving plates.  Divide the salad evenly between the plates and garnish each serving with the shaved Parmesan cheese, additional chives, and bacon.

When There Are 100+ Candles

I know that I have covered the topic of birthday entertaining before. But I do believe that celebrating the birthday of someone who is 100+ years-old, does deserve some special consideration. After all, at what other age does the birthday boy/girl need to be reminded whose birthday it is? So to help you prepare for that upcoming 100+ birthday party, I've provided a few key tips below that should help make the party a memorable one (for most of the guests, that is).

First, most people who are celebrating their 100+ birthday are quite proud of that fact. They have gotten over the hill of middle-age and survived the tumble down the other side. And now they proudly stand (or in some cases lean) at the base of the hill, celebrating what some so aptly call - the twilight years. So, when planning such a birthday party, be certain that every decoration, cake, and party favor reads, “Happy 100+ Birthday (insert appropriate name here)!” Not only does it get everyone into the festive spirit, but it also helps remind the birthday boy/girl of some critical information – namely: who they are, how old they are, and why they're here.

Second, purchase an appropriate gift. Most people 100+ years-old already have all the toys and gizmos they need to entertain themselves. And with little interest in today's newest technology, it can be quite difficult to purchase a gift for someone celebrating a 100+ birthday. That's why I recommend purchasing very practical gifts like canned foods, house cats, and underwear. Let's face it, if someone is 100+ years-old he/she lived through the Great Depression and has learned to pinch every penny. That means, the birthday boy/girl is probably still wearing underwear that reads “I like Ike.”

Third, keep the menu simple. Sure, it's a celebration and you want to show off your culinary prowess, but let me ask you – have you ever seen what Thai curry does to a 100-year-old colon? Trust me – you don't want to know. So stick to simple foods like oatmeal, prune juice, and Milk Duds.

And lastly, (I should think it would be obvious, but just in case) never throw a surprise 100+ birthday party. Regardless of how heart-healthy a life the birthday boy/girl lived, that ticker has been going for over 100 years - now is not the time for a stress test. In fact, I recommend asking the birthday boy/girl to RSVP for the party by sending in a copy of his/her most recent EKG. That way everyone knows about the party. Nobody will be surprised. And should something go wrong, you have the name and telephone number of the birthday boy's/girl's cardiologist at the top of the EKG report.

End of Days, Part XV

With little time to write today, I suppose I will keep today's posting brief.

Four tips to hosting a successful End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party:

• Get yourself a Klingon-to-English translation dictionary - it'll be useful when the aliens land.
• Purchase a brain-shaped jello mold - it'll distract the zombies.
• Inflate a pair of water wings - they'll help keep your head above water when the ice caps melt.
• And pick out a pair of Ray-bans - that way you'll look cool when the sun explodes.

Top Five Entertaining Tips

Well, with little time to write a proper blog posting today, I shall keep this entry brief. Here are five entertaining tips that I do believe are very important when it comes to throwing any party:

• Dessert is best served sandwiched between two cookies.
  
  
• The words “Gourmet” and “Roadkill” should never be used in the same sentence.
  
  
• Whenever someone offers you crabs, be certain that they are talking about edible crustaceans.
  
  
• The best way to get a red wine stain out of the carpet is to cover it with a sofa.
  
  
• And when in doubt, add a healthy layer of bacon on top.

Things Best Left Unsaid

I think we've all been in this situation before – you have a great party planned, the guests are just about to arrive, and suddenly something goes wrong and you're left reeling. And sure, I think it is human nature to share the details of those moments with friends, family, and therapists, but I do believe there are certain instances when too much information can really put a damper on the party. So, below I have listed a few examples of bad situations that should never be shared with your party guests.

Never tell yours guests...

• that your pet boa constrictor is loose from his cage and now roaming freely through the house's plumbing.
• that you were previously arguing with your spouse about which end of the toothpick to insert into your cocktail sausages.
• that the frozen peas now garnishing the soup where previously used to ice your son's skinned knee, chill your lemonade in lieu of ice, and protect your bum from that searing hot car seat on your ride home from the grocery store.
• that the recent power outage fried your bedroom videocamera.
• that the second floor bathroom is out of order because you had curry last night.
• that tonight's steak was last night's Lady Gaga costume.
• that your child just lost a tooth in the soup.
• that you forgot to wear pants while deep-fat frying the corn dogs.
• that your new recipe for scrambled eggs was inspired by a recent episode of “Dirty Jobs.”
• that you ran out of Ziploc bags and marinated tonight's chicken breasts in your shower cap.

Strawberry Tart with Almond Cream

OPEN KITCHEN with NATHAN SCOTT

Strawberry Tart with Almond Cream

This tart is also delicious when topped with other fresh berries, apricots, and even orange segments.

Ingredients

            Makes one 11-inch tart

	1½	cups Graham crackers, finely ground
	¾	cup almonds, finely ground, plus more sliced for garnish
	¼	cup granulated sugar
		Kosher salt
	6	tablespoons (¾ stick) unsalted butter, melted, plus more for greasing
	1	cup heavy cream, chilled
	8	ounces cream cheese, room temperature
	½	cup confectioners’ sugar
	1	tablespoon pure almond extract
	1	pound fresh strawberries, hulled and sliced
	½	cup strawberry jelly, melted

Directions

1.    Preheat the oven to 350°F.  Butter an 11-inch tart pan and set aside.  In a mixing bowl, combine the ground Graham crackers with the almonds and granulated sugar.  Season with a pinch of salt, and stir in the melted butter until well combined.  Press the mixture into the prepared tart pan, creating an even crust.  Bake the tart crust in the preheated oven until lightly golden and set, 10 to 12 minutes.  Then, remove and cool completely.

2.    In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, beat the heavy cream on high speed to soft peaks.  Then, lower the mixer speed to medium and incorporate the softened cream cheese and confectioners’ sugar.  Stir in the almond extract and season the mixture with a pinch of salt.  Spread the almond cream into the cooled tart crust.  Refrigerate the filled tart until well chilled, 2 to 3 hours.

3.    Remove the tart from the tart pan and transfer it to a serving platter.  Decoratively arrange the sliced strawberries on top of the finished tart.  Using a pastry brush, glaze the berries with the melted strawberry jelly.  Keep refrigerated until ready to serve.

Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Day!

Tomorrow is National Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Day everybody! Why do we need an entire day devoted to Pineapple Upside-Down Cake, you might ask? Well, it beats me, but it sure is fun to celebrate it. In fact, I think I shall use today's blog posting to list a few other uses for Pineapple Upside-Down Cake so that we may all celebrate today to its fullest extent.

• Bake and eat as much Pineapple Upside-Down Cake as possible
• Give Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes to all your friends, family members, co-workers, and divorce attorneys
• Have a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake food fight
• Eat a slice of Pineapple Upside-Down Cake while standing on your head to make it a Pineapple Right-Side-Up Cake
• Make a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Wreath to hang on your front door
• Use Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes for paperweights
• Place a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake in a time capsule to see what it looks like in 50 years
• Throw a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake down a flight of stairs – this doesn't accomplish much, but it sure is funny to watch
• Fill a children's swimming pool with Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes and hold a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake wrestling match
• Send a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake to the IRS with a letter explaining why your tax payment is late
• Convince a group of small children that Pineapple Upside-Down Cake is actually made from worm meal, drool, and pig's feet
• Make really dense Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes and use them like bricks to refinish the chimney
• Wrap a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake in cooked bacon to see how much better it is
• Host your town's first Running of the Pineapple Upside-Down Cake by rolling a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake down a steep hill while your neighbors chase after it
• Store a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake in a cool, dry place until Christmas, and then give it out as this year's fruitcake
• Pregame for Easter by hosting a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Hunt
• Attach a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake to a string and place it on the floor, then pull the cake away as people bend down to try and pick it up
• Attempt to make a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Smoothie with a blender and some vanilla ice cream
• Use several Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes as tonight's dinner plates
• Wrap a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake in a blanket and carry it around like a baby today to see if anyone notices

End of Days, Part XIV

It just wouldn't be a party without some kind of party favors to hand out to your guests.  And that sentiment is especially true at your End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party.  After all, you Armageddon party may very well be the last party anyone ever hosts.  And you certainly don't want to go down in history as the one party host who didn't hand out party favors.  So, in the interest of helping you select the best party favors possible, allow me to offer you a few gift suggestions:

• Life jackets are a great end-of-the-world party favor.  Not only will they make appropriate neckwear for any guest who forget his necktie at home, but should the world flood in a most Noah's-Arkian fashion, everyone will sure to stay above water.

• New insoles are always a great end-of-the-world party favor.  Between the zombies rising, the aliens landing, and the volcanoes erupting, chances are you and your party guests will soon be doing a lot of running.  And wouldn't a nice pair of new insoles help make that experience a little more enjoyable?

• A book on smoke signals is a particularly useful gift for any guests who might be addicted to social media.  When the solar flares start knocking out our communications networks, your party guests will still be able to update you on their statuses with Twitter-esque smoke signals (140 puffs or less).

• And if all else fails - buy your party guests each a keg of beer.  Because nothing will make the end of the world more pleasant, than a keg of beer...

The Red Pox

With baseball season getting started here, you may find it exceedingly difficult to turn off that TV and leave your man cave – a condition I've named: Reduced Energy and Dissociation Prompted by Observing Xtreme Amounts of Baseball, or Red Pox: Type AB. (Possible side effects include: irritability, anti-social behavior, loss of appetite, weight gain, loss of muscle mass, loss of voice due to excessive TV yelling, hair loss, flatulence, burping, body part scratching, hot dog breath, dry mouth, beer helmet hair, face painting, loss of shirt, drooling, back fat, couch butt, excessive sweating, heart attack, stroke, coma, or divorce.) So, in the interest of enjoying as much baseball as possible, while avoiding the Red Pox, review the tips I have listed below. Each tip is designed to make the man cave experience the best it possibly can be, while helping you avoid contracting a case of the Red Pox. (And if you are the type that doesn't enjoy the simple pleasures of watching baseball à la man cave, then all I can say is – what's wrong with you?)

• Reduce your stress level by Feng Shui...ing your man cave. Remove all nonessential items from your man cave, including any unnecessary furniture, appliances, vehicles, pets, spouses, and children.
  
  
• To inspire you to keep exercising throughout the baseball season, tack up a poster of your favorite super model.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• Always use the bathroom farthest from the man cave – after four chili dogs, two bowls of nachos, and a pack of beer, you'll thank me for that tip.
  
  
• And remember, baseball is America's favorite pastime. So, be certain to share part of your day with friends and family watching the game. Unless of course, your friends are Yankees fans. In which case, I advice you to sever any and all contact immediately.

Post-Tax Festivities

With tax season finally winding down to a close, you might feel a bit like celebrating. Yet if you're like me, your wallet probably doesn't feel very much like joining you in all that good cheer. So today, I'll be sharing with you a few party ideas that are not only quite cheap (or free), but also will provide for a bit of priceless post-tax season fun.

• Dress up in your flooziest of clothes and head out to the local bar/tavern to have all the single-but-lookings buy you a drink. (If you're male, you might need to go to a gay bar for this tip to work...)
  
  
• Host a leftover pot-luck. Let's be honest here, everyone has some sort of leftovers buried in the back of the fridge. So why not have all your friends bring their leftovers to your house? (Hey, if it's new to you, it's not leftovers.) Then, you can all sit down together and enjoy the leftover smorgasbord. It certainly beats eating the remnants of your weekly Hot Dog and Minute Rice Casserole... again.
  
  
• If you have children to entertain, I would normally advise you to grease up a piglet with crisco and let the children chase the slippery swine about the house. But since you probably don't have the money to rent a piglet, how about greasing up the house cat and setting the children upon it? Now that's fun for the whole family right there.
  
  
• Host a gypsy-themed barbecue complete with cold beans served straight from the can, bargain-basement wine, and stolen apple pie. And to keep your guests entertained throughout the party, be certain to organize some fun games like Who Wants to be a Panhandler?, The Great Goat Race, and Extreme Makeover: Gypsy Edition.
  
  
• And if you're married, simply wait for your spouse to come home. Then, greet your spouse at the front door and say, “You forgot what today is, did you?” Your spouse will be so embarrassed, thinking that he/she forgot an important date, that he/she will take you out for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant and insist upon paying the bill. How's that for a cheap party?

Niçoise Salad with Seared Scallops

OPEN KITCHEN with NATHAN SCOTT

Niçoise Salad with Seared Scallops

Traditionally topped with canned tuna, this interpretation of Niçoise Salad is served with delicious seared scallops for a new take on a classic dish.

Ingredients

            Serves 4

	½	pound small red-skinned new potatoes, scrubbed and quartered
		Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	½	pound haricots verts or green beans, trimmed
	¼	cup, plus 1 tablespoon, extra-virgin olive oil
	12-16	large sea scallops, patted dry
	1	head romaine lettuce, torn into bite-size pieces
	2	plum tomatoes, cored and quartered
	1	small red onion, peeled and thinly sliced
	1	small red bell pepper, thinly sliced
	3	large hard-cooked eggs, peeled and quartered
	¼	cup Niçoise or Kalamata olives, pitted
	2	tablespoons balsamic vinegar
	1	tablespoon Dijon mustard

Directions

1.    Prepare an iced-water bath and set aside.  Place the potatoes in a pot of salted water and set over medium-high heat.  Simmer until the potatoes are tender, 20 to 30 minutes.  During the last 2 minutes of cooking, add the haricots verts or green beans to the pot.  Cook until the beans are bright green and tender-crisp.  Then, drain the potatoes and beans, and transfer them to the prepared iced-water bath to cool.  Using a slotted spoon, remove the vegetables from the water, dry with paper towel, and transfer to the refrigerator until you are ready to assemble the salad.

2.    Heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil until hot, but not smoking, in a cast-iron skillet set over medium-high heat.  Season the scallops well with salt and black pepper, and sear them in the hot oil until golden and cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes per side.  Remove and set aside.

3.    Arrange the lettuce, tomatoes, onion, and bell pepper on a large serving platter or 4 individual serving plates.  Top the salad with the hard-cooked eggs, olives, potatoes, beans, and scallops.  In a mixing bowl, whisk together the remaining ¼ cup of olive oil with the balsamic vinegar and Dijon mustard.  Season the vinaigrette to taste with salt and black pepper and drizzle over the finished salad before serving.