Is the Party Over?

I have talked about funeral entertaining before in this blog. And as I attended such a somber event this weekend, I suppose the topic rests heavily in my mind today. But I do believe that after the casket is buried, after the tableful of condolence tuna casseroles have been partially eaten and unceremoniously dumped into the trashcan, and after the mountain of dirty dishes (signs of the post-funeral reception) have been soaked and scrubbed, I think we all could use some cheering up. So why not cheer each other up with a party? (Plus, I don't believe I have ever covered the topic of post-funeral entertaining before – so it gives me something new to talk about.)

So, how does a person fill the house with joy again? With a little party of course! Nothing big, obviously – who really wants to go through all that work the day after a funeral? But a little celebration that brings a smile to one's face might just be what the doctor ordered, I should think (or in this case, it's what the therapist ordered). And so below you will find a few post-funeral party ideas. They're quick and easy to prepare, and might just help you feel a little bit better.

• Host a book club meeting. Let's be honest here, nobody talks about books at a book club meeting. It's really just an opportunity to get together with friends, swap gossip, and drink wine – the perfect post-funeral activity.
  
  
• Not really a book reader? Then host a “wine tasting.” It's the exact same thing as a book club meeting – friends, gossip, and wine – only you can drink more...
  
  
• Have a bread-baking party. Maybe it's just me, but I find something deeply therapeutic about baking breads. The kneading... the smell... the relaxed cup of coffee you enjoy as the bread rises... Plus, at the end of the day you have a mountain of carbs – the ultimate comfort food!
  
  
• Do you remember how much fun slumber parties were as a kid? Why not have a slumber party? That would definitely cheer you up! Invite a few friends over, lay your sleeping bags out in front of the TV, and stay up all night watching bad TV, eating junk food, and telling jokes. Plus it makes an excellent excuse to sleep in late the next morning.
  
  
• And if all else fails – go to the donut shop, buy mass-quantities of anything deep fried and smothered in chocolate, and invite a few friends over for a mid-morning binger.

So there you have it – a few ideas for that post-funeral pick-me-up party. I hope it helps.

Croque Monsieur

CROQUE MONSIEUR

Today I'll be sharing with you a recipe for one of my favorite sandwiches – in French it's called a Croque Monsieur or a “crispy mister.” It's a simple recipe that puts a french spin on a classic ham and cheese sandwich.

Makes 4 sandwiches

2	tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more for buttering the bread
2	tablespoons all-purpose flour
2	cups milk
pinch	ground nutmeg
pinch	Cayenne pepper
8	thin slices of rustic bread, toasted
	Dijon mustard
12	slices of deli ham
8	slices of Gruyère cheese
½	cup Gruyère cheese, grated
½	cup Parmesan cheese, grated
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

1. In a saucepan set over medium heat, melt the butter. Add the flour and whisk until fully incorporated. Reduce the heat to low and cook, whisking constantly, until the mixture begins to bubble, 1 to 2 minutes. Gradually whisk in the milk, being careful to work out any lumps. Stir in the nutmeg and Cayenne. Continue to cook over low heat, stirring often, until the sauce has thickened and does not taste of flour, 10 to 20 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 400ºF and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Butter one side of each slice of toasted bread. Smear the opposite side with a little Dijon mustard (go according to your tastes). For each sandwich, layer 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of Gruyère between 2 slices of bread. Arrange the sandwiches on the prepared baking sheet.

3. Remove the saucepan from the heat and stir in the grated Gruyère and Parmesan cheeses. Season the mixture to taste with salt and black pepper. Pour the cheese sauce over the top of the prepared sandwiches and transfer the baking sheet to the preheated oven. Bake until the sandwiches are hot, about 5 minutes. Then, turn on the broiler and continue to bake until the cheese sauce is brown and bubbly, 3 to 5 minutes more. Remove and serve.

Anuptaphobia, Part II

A short while ago, I posted an article on Anuptaphobia – the fear of remaining single (see article Anuptaphobia). Of course, my goal in drafting such an article was to encourage all my single readers to get out and meet that special someone before Valentine's Day – something that I thought was a good idea. Little did I know just how good an idea it was. Soon after posting that blog, I started getting emails from people who wanted some more tips for meeting that special someone. So here goes – my tips and techniques that any anuptaphobic can employ to find that special valentine, Part II.

• Wash off that fake tan. Aside from the fact that it makes you look like an Umpa Loompa (or at the very least a certain hyper-sensitive US House Speaker); it's the end of January here people, nobody should be tan! It just sends the message “I'm high maintenance” to any perspective partner. And nobody wants that.
  
  
• Get a hobby. Not only will it help you meet new and interesting people with common interests, but a hobby is a great topic of conversation on that first date. Just be sure that it is not a creepy hobby. Somehow I doubt many people are going to want to hear about your collection of antique codpieces...
  
  
• Learn to speak English again. LOL... BRB... OMG – WTH! Unless you intend to do all your dating via text message with a girl named Chastity19 (real name Earl, 58), drop all the Internet slang and speak like an intelligent adult. You'd be surprised how far you will get when you actually laugh at her/his jokes rather than state – LOL.
  
  
• Visit the dentist. A clean and healthy smile is a great start to any first meeting. So go to the dentist, let them scrape and scuff your teeth for a while, and then go out to show off those pearly whites. Plus, who knows – maybe your dental hygienist will be single...
  
  
• Always tell the truth. You might think that a story about how you climbed Mount Everest single handedly without a sherpa or oxygen would make you sound pretty impressive. But in the end, you're just going to end up on the side of a cliff, holding on for dear life and sobbing while frantically searching for your inhaler and attempting to explain to your special climbing partner why you have only made it 2 feet off the ground.

So there you have it – five more tips and techniques to hopefully get that special valentine. Good luck!

Ten Things to Do When the Internet Is Out

As my Internet connection is acting up today, and it is entirely possible that it will quit at any moment, I shall keep today's posting as brief as possible.

Ten Things to Do When the Internet Is Out:

• Sit at the computer clicking the Refresh button until the Internet problem fixes itself
• Memorize your favorite song backwards
• Clip your toenails
• Dress up like a Jedi Chef and have a light-saber battle with tonight's roast beef
• Take up extreme ironing – a hobby that involves steam ironing your clothes in extreme environments, such as on the side of a cliff or in Siberia during wintertime
• Groom your pet poodle to look like a Ninja Turtle
• Start a hotel mini-shampoo collection
• Bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and eat them all before anyone else gets home
• Take up competitive air guitar playing
• Start drinking

Terrible Congruent Night Nobody!

Happy Opposite Day everyone! Or well... I suppose in the spirit of the day I should really be wishing you something more along the lines of – Terrible Congruent Night nobody! But in the interest of expressing my point as clearly as possible, I suppose I will dispense with the traditionally confusing double talk and simply finish the remainder of this posting in earnest.

So, supposing that you wish to celebrate National Opposite Day (which got it's start back when Calvin Coolidge was president – imagine a president not saying what he means...), I've complied a brief list of possible Opposite Day activities. I'd say that all the ideas are a great source of wholesome entertainment, but it is Opposite Day after all – who wants to have fun on Opposite Day? Not me. So, here goes:

• Many holidays involve giving gifts to others. So, I suppose on Opposite Day we should all enjoy taking gifts from others? But in the interest of keeping you out of prison on charges of breaking and entering, theft, and shoplifting, I recommend that you stop by your favorite store and give (buy) a gift to yourself.
  
  
• Opposite Day is no time for a fancy dinner out – leave all that to birthdays and such. Instead, stay in and enjoy a terribly unhealthy meal of some of your favorite guilty pleasures. Canned whipped cream, raw cookie dough, and nacho cheese sans nachos all make great Opposite Day fare.
  
  
• You can also forget about spending time with family and friends. You do that most days, so on Opposite Day, go out and meet some new people in a new place – the more opposite, the better. You never know, you might discover that Miss/Mr. Right is actually a tattooed dwarf with a penchant for crayon carving.
  
  
• Of course, what is a holiday without festive attire? If you're inclined to dressing in drag I suppose this is the day for you. (But then again if you're inclined to dressing in drag, wearing the clothes more commonly associated with your gender might actually prove to be the true opposite of your ordinary day... Hmmm... That's a confusing one...) But if you're not into drag, why not try wearing your shirt backwards or your underwear on the outside of your pants?
  
  
• And don't forget to send out Opposite Day greeting cards! Simply write the address of your intended recipient in the upper left corner of the envelope. Then, make up some other address to write in the middle of the envelope (Ms. Ima Fake-Name is always a good person to address the envelope to). And finally, slap on the correct postage and return-to-sender the card “back” to whomever you want.

And now that you know the finer points of Opposite Day entertaining, go out and have a terrible time!

Company Mascots

Did you ever wonder about some of these mascots that restaurants and food purveyors develop to help sell their products? For instance – who came up with McDonald's Grimace character? And perhaps more to the point – what is Grimace? He looks like an oversized grape gumdrop with a fish face and the IQ to match. How does that character help sell cheeseburgers? Even the very name of the character – Grimace. How would you ever integrate a name like that into an advertising campaign? “Stop by McDonald's today and enjoy one of our delicious cheeseburgers. Just one bite and you'll be grimacing like Grimace.” Somehow I don't think that will work...

Or what about that Taco Bell Chihuahua? I mean, it is kind of cute with it's little accent and sarcasm, but you're advertising a product filled with what may or may not be ground beef. Do you really want people associating that with a small dog?

And of course my favorite mascot was on this can of tuna fish I picked up at the store the other day. I've forgotten the brand name, but right in the middle of the label it had a brightly colored image of the company's mascot – a Mr. Albacore, who I must say had a rather uncanny resemblance to a Mr. Dolphin I once met.

But I suppose not all mascots can work out. And not all ideas that seem great on paper can turn out as expected. Thank goodness we at least have the California Raisins. Because nothing says “Eat your California raisins today” more than a quartet of shriveled brown balls singing “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.”

Chicken Noodle Soup

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

With cold and flu season upon us, I think we could all benefit from a bowl or two of homemade Chicken Noodle Soup. And today, I'm going to share with you my simple version for this healthy dish.

Serves 6 to 8

1	4 to 6 pound whole chicken, giblets removed, rinsed and patted dry
3	quarts low-sodium chicken stock
4	sprigs fresh thyme
2	bay leaves
2	tablespoons olive oil
1	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
4	medium carrots, peeled and cut into ¼-inch rounds
4	ribs celery, sliced
6	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
12	ounces egg noodles
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
¼	cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, coarsely chopped
¼	cup fresh dill, coarsely chopped

1. Place the chicken in a large stockpot and add enough chicken stock to cover. Toss in the thyme and bay leaves, and set over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and simmer until the chicken is cooked and the stock is flavorful, 40 to 50 minutes.

2. Remove from the heat and discard the thyme and bay leaves. Carefully lift the chicken from the stock and set aside to cool slightly. Separate the chicken meat from the bones (discarding the bones and skin), and shred the meat. Set the meat and chicken stock aside.

3. In a large stockpot, warm the olive oil over medium-high heat. Add the onion, carrots, and celery and cook, stirring often, until the onions are translucent, 5 to 8 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook an additional minute. Pour in the reserved chicken stock and bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer and cook until the vegetables are tender, 5 to 10 minutes.

4. Meanwhile, following the package instructions, cook the egg noodles in a pot of boiling salted water until tender. Drain the pasta and add to the stockpot, along with the reserved chicken meat, parsley, and dill. Season the soup to taste with salt and pepper and serve.

Excuse Me, I Need to...

Have you ever been a guest in someone's house before and learned something so... disturbing, that you just wanted to leave immediately? I would imagine we've all been in that situation before. And whether it was in college when you learned that your RA had a turkey baster under her pillow, or at your cousin's wedding when you found out that the bride was actually a hamster named Barry, we have all had moments in our lives when we needed an excuse to leave, and leave fast.

And so today I'll provide you with a short list of possible excuses. Of course, it always depends upon your situation. But if you just need a way out, one of these options should work in a pinch.

• Go into the corner of the room by yourself and have a heated argument with your phone. Everyone will assume that someone is on the other end of the line, giving you bad news. You can then simply say “I have to leave now,” and run out the door.
  
  
• Creeping out the host also works. Whatever the host does, do it ten times worse until he/she asks you to leave. For example, suppose the host weirded all the guests out with an awkwardly informative ostrich mating dance demonstration. Well then, why not teach everyone the mating practices of the Argentinian Lake Duck? Let's just say – the male ducks use a certain... appendage like a lasso.
  
  
• Food allergies are also a good excuse. Simply sniff the air, ask if that smell is walnuts, and then apologetically tell your host that you are deathly allergic to walnuts and must leave immediately.
  
  
• You can also pour yourself another alcoholic beverage, sit down on the sofa, and turn on the TV. Sure this one doesn't actually help you leave the house, but it does provide for a certain measure of escape from the craziness that surrounds you.
  
  
• And if all else fails – find someone who is as creeped out as you. Kick that person as hard as you can in the shin. And then, tell your host/hostess that you have to go get the injury x-rayed at the hospital across town. Then, you can go to the corner drugstore, pick up an ice pack for the injured shin, and head your separate ways.

And now that you know how to get out of even the most awkward of situation, feel free to attend any party you want. And be confident in knowing that no matter how weird or embarrassing your host/hostess may turn out to be, you always have a polite way to run away.

Entertaining the Plague

If we haven't already, we'll soon be reaching the peak of this year's cold and flu season. Which means you'll probably soon be entertaining a few sick people at your next dinner party. But before you make dust masks and latex gloves required dinner attire, here are a few tips to help make those sick dinner guests feel at home, while also protecting you from contracting their plague.

First, schedule your party for the early afternoon. A person who is sick will want to go home early and go straight to bed. So hosting an early afternoon party is a considerate way of inviting a sick person into your home. Besides, if you're hosting a late-night dinner, your unhealthy guest(s) may arrive already doped up on NyQuil, and fall asleep on your sofa before the meal is even served. And then you're stuck with an incubus of plague for the night.

Second, eat well in advance of the meal. This helps in two ways. First, you won't be putting as much flu-tainted food in your mouth if you eat before your sick guest(s) arrive. And second, you'll probably be losing your appetite once your guests arrive anyway. Something about a person blowing his/her nose at the dinner table just takes the hunger right out of a person.

Third, keep the meal simple. It doesn't matter how delicious your Indian shrimp curry tastes, the ensuing gastrointestinal distress is only going to add to the person's growing list of flu symptoms (not to mention have you chugging Pepto the following morning). So serve simple dishes like chicken soup, matzo balls, and Theraflu.

If you follow these simple tips, you should be able to welcome any sick person into your home for a polite and healthy dinner party. Just don't forget to stock up on the Purell!

The Host/Hostess Gift

Is it just me, or do the typical host/hostess gifts seem more like a slap in the face than a polite gesture of gratitude? Take the scented candle, for instance. It seems like scented candles are a pretty common host/hostess gift for a guest to bring these days. And yet, every time I receive a scented candle, I cannot help but think – So, you were anticipating that my house was going to stink, were you? Interesting...

And then there is the customary basket of soaps, lotions, and various ointments. Which one would think would convey a message of care and consideration. But let's be honest here, the real message such a basket of toiletries conveys is something more along the lines of – You look dirty. Please bathe before you prepare our dinner.

Well, I suppose I could go on here criticizing all the various host/hostess gifts (and that includes that beautifully beribboned crate of Drano a guest brought to my house one time), but I would not want to appear ungrateful. Like most hosts/hostesses, I do rather enjoy it when a guest arrives bearing gifts. And most of the time I recognize the gift for what it truly is. Which is to say, the gift is not intended to be a firm slap in the face, but rather a polite slap on the back.

But if you're like me and aspire to give host/hostess gifts that are a bit more... politically correct, I've compiled a short listing of some of my favorites below. Of course it depends upon the situation, which gift is best. But I think this list will give you the general idea.

• A book on a subject that interests the host/hostess (especially a beautifully photographed coffee table book – just in case he/she doesn't read English).
  
  
• A low-maintenance plant, such as an aloe vera or cactus (you know – something that your host won't feel too bad about when it dies).
  
  
• Any form of alcohol (which can send the message that you feel a need to consume copious amounts of alcohol to tolerate your visit; but let's be honest, that's probably true of both you and your host/hostess).
  
  
• A framed photo of you and the host/hostess at a previous party/event/outing (preferably a photograph of an enjoyable moment and not the time you interrupted your host's/hostess's wedding vows to announce that you objected to the marriage because you thought it somehow violated the Geneva Convention).
  
  
• An elegant flower vase (because let's face it, one of the other guests isn't going to be nearly so considerate and will simply stop off at the drug store for one of those anemic arrangements of daisies; and your host/hostess will appreciate having something pretty to put those poor flowers in).

Pear and Cranberry Crumble

PEAR AND CRANBERRY CRUMBLE

Today's recipe for Pear and Cranberry Crumble has got to be one of the easiest desserts a person can bake. All you need is some fresh fruit, a few ingredients from the pantry, and you have a quick treat that everyone will enjoy.

Makes one 8-by-8-inch pan

4	very ripe pears, cored and cut into 1-inch chunks
½	cup frozen cranberries, thawed and coarsely chopped
¼	cup pure maple syrup
1	teaspoon apple pie spice
	Kosher salt
½	cup all-purpose flour
½	cup old-fashioned rolled oats
½	cup sliced almonds (optional)
¼	cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
¼	cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into cubes
	Whipped cream or plain yogurt, for garnish

1. Preheat the oven to 425ºF. In an 8 x 8-inch baking dish, toss together the pears, cranberries, and maple syrup. Season the mixture with ¾ teaspoon apple pie spice and ¼ teaspoon kosher salt. Set aside.

2. In a mixing bowl, combine the flour, rolled oats, almonds, and brown sugar with the remaining ¼ teaspoon apple pie spice and a pinch of salt. Toss the dry ingredients together until they are well mixed. Then, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse meal.

3. Evenly sprinkle the crumble mixture over the reserved fruit. Place the crumble in the preheated oven and bake until the fruit is tender and juicy and the crumble is golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from the oven and allow the crumble to cool at least 10 minutes before spooning into serving bowls and garnishing with dollops of whipped cream or plain yogurt.

Anuptaphobia

With Valentine's Day just one month away, some of you may begin experiencing a mild to moderate case of Anuptaphobia, or the fear of staying single forever. (Possible side effects include: irritability, anxiety, depression, dry mouth, drooling, bad hair, headache, hives, gastrointestinal distress, deja vu, waxy discharge from ears, weight gain, loss of appetite, entropy, inbreeding, loss of balance, alcoholism, the munchies, brown nose, excessive flatulence, profuse sweating, hot flashes, flashbacks, deja vu, funk, jaundice, and death.) It is a common phobia that afflicts millions of Americans each year – especially around February 14^th. And it has been linked to an increased risk of antisocial behavior, excessive flirtation, and the texting of embarrassingly inappropriate cellphone pictures to single coworkers, old high school flames, and ringless taxi driver who may or may not speak English...

Well anyway, sufferers of Anuptaphobia need a date, and they need one now. And so today I shall offer a few tips and techniques that any anuptaphobic can employ to find that special valentine.

• Get out of the office. Let's be honest here, if Cheryl in accounting were ever going to go out with you, she would have said so last week when you asked her out for the fifteenth time. Get out of the office and meet some new people! Besides, even if Cheryl from accounting were to eventually say yes, that would just means your girlfriend would be working with you. She'll would be there every day, reminding you to: empty your office trash, tuck in your shirt, and wash your hands after going to the bathroom. And who wants that?
  
  
• Skip the gym. Sure you might meet Gary the Adonis with the arms and the abs, but let's be serious here. Gary spends his days in a gym watching his own biceps flex in a mirror. And if you expect to go out on a date with him, you'll probably need to be either a bikini model or of the same gender.
  
  
• Dress for success. If you're a man wearing ripped jeans, a gold chain, and a bandana you're either the bad boy in a boy band or permanently single. If you're a woman wearing a wind suit, hoop earrings, and a visor you're either an 82-year-old bingo champion or un-dateable. Suffice it to say, when it comes to dressing to attract that mate, there is nothing wrong with simple and conservative.
  
  
• Don't forget about chivalry. You'd be surprised how many first dates start with someone holding a door for someone else. (And ladies, remember chivalry can work both ways – why not buy him the first drink?)
  
  
• People like food. The way to a person's heart is through his/her stomach – ask anyone and they will tell you that (well... except maybe a heart surgeon). So offer your perspective partner a free dinner out at a nice restaurant. Or better yet, prepare your own dinner-for-two and wow her/him with your culinary prowess. Just remember to chew with your mouth closed, use the napkin, and never order the chili, baked beans, or cabbage.

So those are my tips for overcoming this year's case of Anuptaphobia and finding that Valentine's Day date. I wish you good luck. And I remind you that Valentine's Day actually commemorates the death of a martyred Roman saint, and really doesn't have any romantic connotations. So the requisite date seems rather superfluous.  

Needless Napkin Rings

Did you ever wonder about the guy who came up with the idea of the napkin ring? What was up with his/her napkins to merit hogtying them before dinner? Now, I'll admit that I'm not great at napkin folding (nor laundry, for that matter), but I've never felt the need to restrain my napkins beneath a turkey-shaped band of metal, like some kind of fanatically festive prisoner.

And yet today in my mailbox I got an email from a company devoted to selling everything napkin ring. In the interest of protecting the innocent, I'll keep the company's name confidential. But I think it's safe to say that the company's catalogue was quite complete. There were napkin rings shaped like ducks and geese, cows and pigs, squirrels and rats. There were napkin rings for Christmas and Hannakuah, Halloween and Memorial Day, New Years and the Fourth of July. I even saw a series of metal bands baring the most respectable insignia of the United Federation of Planets – a set that no doubt decorates the table of the great Captain Jean Luc Picard.

The email actually reminded me of John Candy's character in “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” You know the character I mean? He played a traveling shower curtain ring salesmen. Only I suppose in the case of napkin rings, it might be more difficult to sell them to unsuspecting Asian tourists as helium-filled hoop earrings.

Well all that aside, I still remain clueless as to the need for such dining room bondage. But I will say, there was a pretty entertaining pair of Lady Gaga lobster rings that I may have ordered for this April Fools Day.

Refrigerator Refuse

The start of a new year is a great opportunity to perform that most tedious and gruesome of kitchen chores – cleaning out the fridge. Nobody likes to do it, but somebody needs to. Otherwise we all might one day open the refrigerator doors to find a moldy green amalgamation of leftover meatloaf, unused mayonnaise, and forgotten Cheese Whiz that could rival The Blob. Besides, with the start of a new year, most of us could use the extra refrigerator space to store all that health food that we've resolved to eat in this coming year.

Yet, I must admit that I find it rather difficult to just toss all that unused or otherwise unhealthy food in the trash. Call me a tree-hugging Earth biscuit if you want, but I just can't bring myself to waste food. And so today, I'll provide you with a few tips and techniques to help use up all that refrigerator refuse and begin this year right.

• I suppose the most obvious answer is to compost all that unused food into useful garden fertilizer. But then again, one does need a garden or at the very least a backyard for that option to be very applicable. (Unless of course you like the smell of decaying compost in your kitchen.)
  
  
• Got some moldy cheese? That mold is often the same as bread mold. Which means, where there's mold, there could be Penicillin! No flu shot needed this year.
  
  
• Are you an animal lover? You'd be surprised how many animals will wander into your backyard to eat that leftover fruitcake. Pigeons, squirrels, rats, and gophers all love leftover fruitcake.
  
  
• Looking for something that will entertain the kids? Then, send them outside with the half-used condiments. Squeeze bottles of ketchup, mustard, and relish make for an impromptu game of condiment fight.
  
  
• And lastly, that box of deodorizing baking soda hidden in the back of the fridge is like a fragrant album of meals past. Just give the box a good sniff and remember the leftover roasted fish, stuffed cabbages, and garlic breads of 2010. Then, take a swig of Pepto for the ensuing nausea and use the baking soda to clean and deodorize your bathroom drains over the coming year.

And now that you know what to do with all that extra unused food – get cracking. That fridge isn't going to clean itself, you know.

The Guilt Trip

After a weekend spent ice fishing, I find myself feeling somewhat guilty. It's not so much that I took time off of work to enjoy the winter wonderland that surrounds me. Nor is it that I feel remorse for the fish I caught and ate. Because... well... I did neither of those things. Let's be honest here – in Northern Maine it's far too cold to spend a weekend sitting on a frozen lake with rod and reel. And given that my favorite fishing hole is despairingly fish-less, I think it's safe to say that my guilt does not stem from a loss of productivity, nor any deceased fish.

No, the sense of guilt comes more from a certain level of personal disappointment. You see, like most men, I use the term “ice fishing” to mean something more along the lines of, “I'm going to the lake with the boys. We're going to eat junk food, drink beer, and watch bad TV. See you Monday!” Which in effect means I broke all of my New Year's resolutions within one week of making them. And that is where the guilt and disappointment come into play.

Luckily, I think it is safe to say that I am far from being the only person who broke his resolutions so quickly. And I propose that we rename today National Re-Resolve Day – a day to forgive this past weekend's indiscretions and get back on track.

So if this past weekend you ditched the diet and used fried chicken as bread, forgive yourself and start anew today. If you drove past the gym to get to the Krispy Kreme on the other side, forget about it and go hit the treadmill this morning. And if you went ice fishing with me instead of repainting that bathroom, I apologize to your wife for leaving you hungover and smelling of bait.

Linguine with Clams and Zucchini

LINGUINE WITH CLAMS AND ZUCCHINI

Since we are at the start of the New Year's resolution season, I must assume that most of you out there have resolved to eat healthier this year. And that's why I developed this recipe for Linguine with Clams and Zucchini. It is a light and healthy dish that will fill you up, without filling you out.

Serves 4

1	pound linguine
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2	tablespoons olive oil
1	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2	small zucchini, cut into ½-inch rounds
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
2	anchovy fillets, mashed (optional)
¼	teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1	8-ounce bottle unsalted clam juice
2	pounds littleneck clams, scrubbed
2	tablespoons unsalted butter
	Juice of 1 lemon
¼	cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
½	cup Parmesan cheese, finely grated

1. Following the package instructions, cook the pasta in a pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain the pasta and set aside, reserving 1 cup of the cooking water.
   
   
2. Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a deep skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until translucent, 4 to 5 minutes. Toss in the zucchini, garlic, anchovies, and red pepper flakes. Cook an additional minute.
   
   
3. Raise the heat to medium-high and pour in the clam juice. Bring to a boil, then add the clams. Cover the skillet and cook until the clams open, 10 to 12 minutes.
   
   
4. Remove the skillet from the heat and discard any unopened clams. Stir in the butter, lemon juice, and parsley. Add the cooked pasta to the skillet and toss to combine. If the pasta seems too dry, pour in some of the reserved cooking water. Sprinkle in the Parmesan cheese and season to taste with salt and black pepper.

How Not to Party

With the holidays over you might be thinking – man, I don't want to throw another dinner party as long as I live. Let's be honest here, after a month of embarrassing office parties, stressful family dinners, and listening to Uncle Larry tell you about his recent trip to the proctologist over a plate of chocolate fudge, it's easy to understand how anyone would develop a temporary aversion to social situations. In fact, I think it is only natural that one would experience a bit of entertaining burnout at this time of year. And with that said, I propose that today we discuss how to get out of hosting that upcoming birthday bash, that January wedding reception, and that wintery bar mitzvah. Today, I'm going to tell you how to not be the cordial host.

First off, take down the holiday decorations as quickly as possible. I know it is a chore, but you never want someone to walk into your house and say – look at all these great decorations; we should have the birthday here! So yes, take the decorations down now and hide them away so nobody gets any big ideas. Or better yet, pile the boxes of decorations in the middle of the living room so people assume that you're moving away and not able to host the party.

Second, the best defense is a good offense. That means, if it looks like there is a party coming up soon, and people are leaning toward throwing it at your house, be proactive and volunteer someone else's house instead. They'll do it to you if you give them the opportunity, so don't feel guilty about it – this is war.

And third, nobody likes going to a party hosted by a crazy person. So if you can't get out of hosting the party, use all your creativity and... well... craziness, to convince everyone that you would not make a good host for this party. (Sure that might make people a little leery about attending any of your future dinner parties, but you can always do damage control later on.) So string up some Halloween bats and spiders, let the dog(s) eat at the dinner table, and convert that broken toilet into a marigold-filled lawn ornament.

And if despite your best efforts, you still end up hosting that baby shower, that bridal shower, or that funeral, remind yourself that entertaining can be fun. And then pour yourself that second glass of wine.

20 Things to Do with Oatmeal

Happy National Oatmeal Month everyone! Why do we need a month to celebrate oatmeal, you might ask. Well...

Yeah, I don't know. But apparently someone, somewhere loved oatmeal so much that he/she/it decided to dedicate the entire month of January to this most simple of cereals. And since I can't help but partake of each and every celebration, I've complied of list of 20 things to do with oatmeal in the hopes that you will join me this month in honoring everyone's favorite childhood gruel.

• Eat oatmeal every morning this month as a heart-healthy breakfast.
• Make oatmeal raisin cookies.
• Make oatmeal bread, biscuits, scones, muffins, pancakes, souffles, or just about any other thing you can think of.
• Exfoliate face with oatmeal and olive oil mixture.
• Fill an inflatable children's pool with oatmeal and commence oatmeal wrestling.
• Grind oatmeal up into a powder, mix with water, and use mixture to re-grout the bathroom tiles.
• Use as kitty litter.
• Sprinkle on icy spots in the driveway to provide better traction.
• Mix up a dense batch of oatmeal and attempt to use as modeling clay.
• Encourage the children to play doctor by creating oatmeal casts around “broken” arms, legs, and faces.
• If the children are unsuccessful in creating oatmeal casts, then smear their faces and limbs with oatmeal and allow them to play leper colony.
• Throw oatmeal like confetti at every holiday, birthday, wedding, and funeral that occurs this month.
• Use as a prop in a production of “Oliver Twist.”
• Throw on floor and walk across for a cheap foot massage.
• Use as a substitute for sand when sandblasting the house.
• Glue dry oatmeal to the wall for a faux-finished stucco look.
• Sprinkle in the fridge to absorb bad odors.
• To relieve your dog's dry and flaky skin, coat the animal in a thick layer of oatmeal, allow the oatmeal to set until dry, and then flake off.
• Pack your shoes with oatmeal before storing them. This will keep your shoes from becoming misshapen.
• Reuse the oatmeal container like a bongo drum.