Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap Day 101

Since Leap Day doesn't come around very often, I think it is best that we all take full advantage of this very special day.  And in an effort to make your Leap Day the best it can be, allow me to offer you the following Leap Day party tips:


  • First, forget about politics for the day.  It's an election year - you have the next nine months to listen to those talking heads bad mouth each other.  Take today off.  (In fact, I think that is the whole reason leap day coincides with election years - it gives us all a break from the politicians...)
  • Forget the diet.  Sure you've been doing well with your New Year's Resolution diet, but this day only comes around once every four years.  Enjoy it!  So break out that can of Vienna sausages, fry up that SPAM, and nacho cheese that buttered popcorn.  Enjoy all those foods you would never eat otherwise.  And if you overindulge, just remember - Pepto cures everything...
  • Be sure to dress for success.  Break out that toga, that Snuggie, or that birthday suit.  Leap Day doesn't come around very often, so you might as well dress comfortably.
  • When it comes to decorating your home for Leap Day, consider filling the house with such things as:  bunnies, ten lords with restless leg syndrome dressed in their Christmas finest, or some Playboy playmates on trampolines - anything that generally likes to leap, you know...
  • Lastly, be sure to invite all your friends to the party.  After all, as my mother always says - "Life is too short to be around people you don't like."  And that is especially true on Leap Day.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

End of Days, Part VII

It's never too early to begin thinking about what you will wear to your End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party.  After all, if the world does come to an end on December the 21st, you may be wearing that ensemble for a very long time.  So in an effort to help you make the correct fashion choices, allow me to offer you the following Apocalyptic clothing suggestions:


  • First, be sure that whatever you wear is loose enough to permit you to run.  After the zombies start roaming freely, you'll thank me for that tip...
  • Select neutral clothing colors such as gray or camouflage.  Not only will this make you far less noticeable to potential predators, but neutral color should also go well with the duct tape you will be using to repair the clothing.
  • Be sure to wear extra pairs of socks and underwear - you're going to need them...
  • Finishing your ensemble off with a flammable scarf or hat is a great fashion decision.  Let's be honest here, after the power goes out, you're going to need something to burn for heat...
  • And lastly, whatever you wear - be sure it has A LOT of pockets.  That way you can stuff your pockets with Twinkies, fruitcake, and other never perishables and survive well into the post-Apocalyptic world.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Pasta Twirling

Have you ever seen one of those electric spaghetti forks before? You know what I mean? Those forks that are about the size of an electric toothbrush and operate in much the same manner. Only instead of moving back and forth like the toothbrush, the tines of the electric fork twirl around when you press the button. Apparently they help in twirling one's spaghetti onto the fork for easier consumption. And I suppose in theory it is an... interesting invention. But it does leave me asking one major question – who finds spaghetti twirling so difficult that he/she needs to spend $10 on an electric spaghetti fork?

I suppose one could argue that people with arthritis or some other condition that limits free range of motion might benefit from this invention. But on the other hand, my arthritic great-uncle has difficulty turning a doorknob, much less pressing the tiny button on the spaghetti fork to start the thing a twirling.

And what happens if the fork activates when it's in your mouth? I'll tell you what happens – an unplanned tonsillectomy – that's what. Plus, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about power tools near my face. I have an image of a power surge sending sparks bouncing off my molars. And that just doesn't seem quite right...

Now, don't get me wrong – I'm sure this newfangled twirling fork makes a great addition to anyone's collection of flatware. (Or at the very least, it will make a great prop should anyone ever feel like taking up competitive ribbon twirling/dancing.) But I suppose I'm just old fashioned – I like my forks to stay still and my pasta to be hand-twirled. So to whomever invented this newest kitchen gadget, allow to simply say – nice try, but I think I'll keep my $10.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Lemon and Rosemary Roast Chicken

LEMON AND ROSEMARY ROAST CHICKEN

Infused with the aromas of lemon, garlic, rosemary, and onion, this recipe for Lemon and Rosemary Roast Chicken is sure to become one of your family's favorite meals.

Serves 4

2
lemons, plus more for garnish
¼
cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, softened
8
cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
5
sprigs fresh rosemary, plus more for garnish

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1
whole chicken (4½ to 5 pounds), rinsed and patted dry
1
medium yellow onion, peeled and quartered
4
bay leaves

Preheat the oven to 425ºF. Finely zest 1 of the lemons and combine the with softened butter in a small mixing bowl. Mince 2 cloves of the garlic together with 1 sprig of the rosemary. Add to the butter mixture and season with salt and black pepper. Stir to thoroughly combine. Set aside.

Tuck the wingtips under the chicken's body. Then, place the chicken, breast-side-up, in a roasting pan. Season the cavity well with salt and black pepper. Then, using your fingers, gently separate the chicken's skin from the breast meat. Smear half of the reserved butter mixture under the skin, and then smooth the skin back down. Rub the remaining butter over the outside surface of the bird, and season with additional salt and black pepper.

Cut the 2 lemons into quarters and stuff into the cavity, along with the remaining 6 cloves of garlic, 4 sprigs of rosemary, onion, and bay leaves.

Roast the chicken in the preheated oven for 30 minutes. Then, reduce the oven temperature to 375ºF and continue to roast until the bird is golden brown and an instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the bird (avoiding the bone) registers 165ºF, 30 to 40 minutes. Remove the chicken from the oven and allow it to rest for at least 10 minutes before carving. If necessary, season the chicken with additional salt and black pepper. Garnish with lemon wedges and sprigs of fresh rosemary before serving.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Gotta Love Technology

As my computer recently decided to become most uncooperative, I'm writing today's article from a friend's computer. And though I'll spare you all the painful details of my newest techno-drama, I do think that this experience does provide me with an interesting topic of discussion – what does a person do when the computer isn't working? How does a person decompress after his/her computer crashes and burns? Well, as I am experiencing this problem myself, I suppose this blog will be as much a learning experience for me, as it will be for you. So... here goes:

  • First, treat the coronary that you are most likely experiencing as a result of your computer's recent crash. Chew on an aspirin, curl up in the fetal position, and breathe – it's going to be alright... probably.

  • Throw/punch something. You'll be amazed at how much a bit of brute violence can help when you need to alleviate stress. Of course, be certain not to throw your computer. Sure it might make you feel better, but in no way is it going to help the situation. Instead, use that excess anger to your advantage. For example, throwing an English dictionary at your tech support coworkers will not only help you communicate better, but also alleviate some of your stress and motivate them to stop play World of Warcraft for a moment and actually look at your laptop.

  • Forget about the coffee. You're going through techno-withdrawal and a second cup of coffee is going to make you so jittery that you might just have a stroke. So swap that coffee for something that will actually help – like vodka!

  • Misery loves company. So why not throw a techno-free day? If you're the boss, you can do this by simply sending out a memo (handwritten, of course) that instructs all your employees to shut off their computers and work without them today. If necessary, make up some silly excuse about “improving employee communication” or something, and then tell everyone to shut off those computers. And if you're not the boss, then simply go into the server room and unplug a few things to get the party started.

  • And if all else fails, change your attitude. Let's face it, if this whole 2012, end-of-the-world hullaballoo ends up being true, we could all be living in a very different world, very soon – a world devoid of technology such as computers, fax machines, and Twitter accounts. So, simply consider today's techno-crash as a trial-run for when the solar flares hit, the martians land, and the tectonic plates begin to crack up.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

End of Days, Part VI

If you have been invited to an End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party, you might consider purchasing a special gift to give your host/hostess.  After all, this could very well be the last host/hostess gift you ever give, and showing up with a fistful of drug store daisies or a bag of leftover Halloween candy could seem... tacky.  So in an effort to help you get a jump start on that host/hostess gift shopping, allow me to provide you with a few suggestions for excellent end-of-the-world gifts.


  • fireworks - they'll be useful in distracting the zombies
  • beer, ketchup, and toilet paper - serve as a subtle homage to some of humanity's greatest achievements
  • a giftbasket of duct tape, nylons, and WD-40 - they can fix anything
  • vodka... lots and lots of vodka 
  • a lifetime membership to the Twinkie of the Month Club
  • holiday fruitcakes - they last forever
  • a croquet set - just because the world has ended is no reason to be uncivilized
  • a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy - just to see if it's actually comical in a post-apocalytic world
  • a Slinky - everyone loves a Slinky
  • a fainting goat - also useful in distracting the zombies

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

February Vacation

I don't know about the schools where you live, but here in Northern Maine, it is time for winter vacation. And so in preparation for this wintertime break, I've complied a short listing of things to do with the kiddies during their time off. They should all prove to be fun activities that will keep the kids out of trouble and out of your hair.

  • Play a fun game of American Idol, Babysitter Edition. Simply invite over all the neighborhood babysitters for a group job interview. Then, set up a small stage and have the babysitters perform for your children. Encourage the children to unmercifully criticize the babysitters' performances. Whichever babysitter is the last to burst into tears is named the American Idol and hired to watch the children for the rest of the week.

  • If you're willing to tolerate a little bit of a mess in the house, grease a piglet with Crisco and let it loose in the house. Children can easily spend an entire week chasing such a slippery little swine.

  • The wintertime is a great opportunity to train your children for future careers in ice carving, tunnel digging, and snow removal. So bundle them up nice and warm, and send them outside to shovel the sidewalk. They'll learn valuable life skills, and your sidewalk will get shoveled for free while you stay nice and warm inside – it's win, win.

  • Allow your children to invite a friend or two over to visit. Let's be honest here, the children are most likely just going to lock themselves in the living room to watch Judge Judy and incessantly ask each other – “I dunno. What do you want to do?”

  • And if all else fails, trick your children into looking the other way and throw a snowball once their backs are turned. Then, simply blame the kids across the street and start a snowball war that will last the entire week. Not only will your children be outside getting fresh air and exercise, but they might also learn that they don't need video games, TVs, and computers to have a good time.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Spaghetti with Tomatoes and Mussels

SPAGHETTI WITH TOMATOES AND MUSSELS

This recipe for Spaghetti with Tomatoes and Mussels is a simple and delicious meal that you can prepare in about 15 minutes.

Serves 4

1
pound spaghetti

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2
tablespoons olive oil
1
medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
8
cloves garlic, peeled and minced
4
anchovy fillets, mashed (optional)
¼
teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (optional)
1
15-ounce can diced tomatoes in juice
¼
cup tomato paste
¼
cup Kalamata olives, pitted
2
pounds mussels, scrubbed and debearded
¼
cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
2
tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
½
cup Parmesan cheese, finely grated

Following the package instructions, cook the pasta in a pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain the pasta and set aside, reserving 1 cup of the cooking water.

Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a deep skillet set over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until translucent, 4 to 5 minutes. Toss in the garlic, anchovies, and red pepper flakes. Continue to cook for an additional minute.

Raise the heat to medium-high and add the diced tomatoes in juice, tomato paste, and olives. Bring to a boil, then add the mussels. Cover the skillet and cook until the mussels open, 4 to 5 minutes.

Remove the skillet from the heat and discard any unopened mussels. Stir in the parsley and melted butter. Add the cooked pasta to the skillet and toss to combine. If the pasta seems too dry, pour in some of the reserved cooking water. Sprinkle in the Parmesan cheese and season to taste with salt and black pepper.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

End of Days, Part V

Since everyone knows that the Mayan Calendar will end this December, it is important to mail out save-the-date cards.  Otherwise, all your potential party guests will have long since made alternate doomsday plans by the time you send out the actual invitations.  And nobody wants to put all that work into a great end-of-the-world party and have no guests so up.  So in an effort to help you get a jump on those save-the-last-date cards, I've provided a few samples below:


  • It's the last date you'll ever have to remember, so don't forget!  I'm hosting an End-of-the-Mayan Calendar Party this December the 21st.
  • Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  When the world starts ending, I want to be hanging out with you.
  • Before the world ends and the zombies start roaming, be sure to stop by for my End-of-the-World Homecoming.    
  • Sure you could spend this December the 21st holding up in your basement bomb shelter, but wouldn't it be more fun to ring in the new world with friends, family, and a keg of beer?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Oops... Forgot About V-Day...

Sooo... You forgot about Valentine's Day, huh? I suppose there is just one thing to say – Why haven't you been reading this blog? I've been reminding you about Valentine's Day for a month now! But I suppose, in fairness, you've already heard enough about missing everyone's favorite mushy holiday from your better half (who I am sure reads this blog everyday). So, I'll go easy on you today. Just be sure to keep up with this blog from now on. We wouldn't want something like this to happen again, now would we?

So, if you found yourself sleeping in the doghouse last night because you forgot to purchase the requisite Valentine's Day card, roses, and chocolates – here's a surefire way to fix your misdeeds and sleep in your own bed again tonight.

  • Let's be honest here – Valentine's Day is about showing off. So stop by the local florist and purchase the largest bouquet of flowers they have. (Preferably roses, but they might not have any left, so get whatever you can.) Fill out a mushy greeting card to attach to the flowers. And then, pay off the delivery boy. (Probably it'll cost you at least $25 to bribe him, but you definitely want him on your side). Have the delivery boy then hand-deliver the flowers to your significant other at her/his place of business (again with the showing off thing). And finally, have the delivery boy earn his bribe by saying something along the lines of – “I'm sorry, I meant to deliver these yesterday, but I forgot.”

Of course, if you can't afford to go to such elaborate measures. Or if for some reason (I can't imagine why) you have qualms about bribing high schoolers to take the fall for you, then try one of the following ideas.

  • Take today off and spend it cleaning the house. And by cleaning the house, I mean – cleaning the house. It's a lot of work, but you'd be astounded at how far clean laundry, soap scum-less showers, and freshly shampooed rugs will go when you need to get out of the doghouse.

  • Stop by the local animal shelter and adopt a puppy. Who can stay mad when there's a puppy in the room? Besides, if you get a dog to put in the doghouse, you can't sleep in there anymore. And at the very least, that upgrades you to sleeping on the sofa, if not the bed!

So with all that said, I wish you good luck. And if these ideas don't help, then might I recommend a quick trip to the camping supply store. They make really spacious tents and comfortable air mattresses now, so there's really no reason to be sleeping in the doghouse.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day Cards 101

I suppose if there is one thing that is required of pretty much everyone on Valentine's Day – it is that you send a heartfelt greeting card to that special someone. And whether you buy a Valentine's Day card at the store or make one yourself, you're probably going to need to write something on the inside of that card other than just your name. But if you're facing a case of romantic writer's block, don't worry. Simply copy the message that I have below, and you should be just fine.


To (whomever you are),

Just when I thought I couldn't love you anymore,
Early this morning I awoke to discover that I loved you down to my very core.

Right then I arose to fill out this card,
Ever the while eating my breakfast, so please forgive the few smudges of lard.

Moreover, the morning bacon has perfumed this note so sweetly.
It reminds me of your scent, ever so completely.

And though now that I think about it – it sounds like I've compared you to a pig.
How about I just say I love you, and tonight I'll go to town and buy you something really pretty and big.

From (whomever I am)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Molten Chocolate Cake

MOLTEN CHOCOLATE CAKE

Today, I'll be sharing with you a recipe for everyone's favorite restaurant dessert – Molten Chocolate Cake. It's easier than you might think, and makes the perfect Valentine's Day dessert.

Serves 6

6
tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more for greasing
4
ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
2
large whole eggs, plus 2 large egg yolks
pinch
kosher salt
¼
cup confectioners' sugar
1
teaspoon pure vanilla extract
cup all-purpose flour

Whipped cream, for garnish 

Fresh berries, such as raspberries or strawberries, for garnish 

1.  Preheat the oven to 450ºF. Butter six 4-ounce ramekins or custard cups, and set aside on a parchment-lined baking sheet. (If you don't have a set of ramekins or custard cups, try baking these cakes in a standard 6-cup muffin tin.)

2.  In the bowl of a double boiler or bain-marie set over simmering water, combine the butter and chocolate. Melt, stirring often, until smooth. Remove from the heat and cool slightly.

3.  In a separate mixing bowl, combine the whole eggs, egg yolks, and salt. Whisk until well combined. Then, whisk in the confectioners' sugar and vanilla extract. Add the cooled chocolate mixture and flour. Continue to mix until just combined. Divide the chocolate batter evenly among the prepared ramekins or custard cups, filling each about half full.

4.  Place in the preheated oven. Bake until the sides of the cakes appear puffed and cracked, but the centers are still soft, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove the finished cakes from the oven, and allow them to stand for 2 minutes. Then, carefully run a small knife or offset spatula around the outer edges of the cakes and invert each onto a serving plate. Garnish with a dollop of whipped cream and some fresh fruit. Serve immediately.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Frozen Chocolate Souffles

FROZEN CHOCOLATE SOUFFLES

If you're looking for a special treat to serve this Valentine's Day, try my recipe for Frozen Chocolate Souffles. They're a simple treat to serve that special someone.

Serves 6

2
cups heavy cream, chilled
6
large egg yolks
½
cup granulated sugar
2
tablespoons corn syrup
1
teaspoon instant coffee granules
pinch
kosher salt
8
ounces semi-sweet chocolate, melted and cooled
2
teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Whipped cream, for garnish

Fresh berries, such as strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries, for garnish

Hazelnuts, toasted and coarsely chopped, for garnish

Wrap the outside of six 4-ounce ramekins with parchment paper, being sure that the parchment paper extends 2 to 3 inches above the rim of the ramekins. Secure the parchment paper in place with tape and set aside. In the chilled bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, beat the heavy cream to stiff peaks. Transfer the cream to a mixing bowl and refrigerate until ready to use.

Return the mixing bowl to the electric mixer and beat the egg yolks on medium-high speed until thick and pale yellow, about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a saucepan set over medium-high heat, combine the sugar, corn syrup, coffee granules, and salt with ¼ cup water. Cook, stirring constantly, until the sugar has melted and the mixture has come to a boil. Remove the sugar syrup from the heat, and with the mixer running on low speed, gradually whisk the hot sugar syrup into the egg yolks. Add the melted chocolate and vanilla extract, and continue to mix on low until fully incorporated.

With a rubber spatula, gently fold the reserved whipped cream into the chocolate mixture, being careful not to deflate the whipped cream. Divide the mixture evenly between the prepared ramekins, smoothing the top of each souffle. Then, place the souffles in the freezer and chill until firm, 3 to 4 hours. When ready to serve, remove the parchment paper collars from the ramekins and garnish each souffle with whipped cream, berries, and hazelnuts.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Valentine's Day Gifts 101

Well, if you're looking for an unexpected or new gift idea this Valentine's Day, look no further. Below you will find a few of my favorite Valentine's Day gift ideas. Of course, you know your valentine better than I, so choose whatever gift is best for your situation. But if you're looking to give something different than the customary flowers, chocolates, and plush teddy bear, try one of the ideas below.

  • Using adhesive-backed paper, print out Love Potion No. 9 labels and paste them on every bottle of wine, chocolate sauce, honey, and whipped cream in the house.

  • Buy a universal remote and wrap it up in pretty wrapping paper. Include a note that reads – Remote Control to Me, Want to Play >?

  • Is your valentine newly divorced or on the rebound? Why not give her/him a voodoo doll of their last love? It's fun, considerate, and insures that she/he will get over that last love in a... healthy way.

  • Skip the sexy lingerie. Sure it might be more fun, but nothing says true love like warm flannel PJs.

  • And if all else fails, browse the App Store. Massage giving... French Kissing... Pole dancing... There's an App for that! 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The End of Days, Part IV

Well, it just wouldn't be a party without some fun party decorations.  And that sentiment especially includes your upcoming end-of-the-Mayan calendar party.  After all, whatever decorations you choose, will have to last you well into the apocalypse.  So be certain to choose your decorations carefully.  And in an effort to help save you the embarrassment of any post-apocalyptic decorating faux pas, today I'll offer you a few creative decorating ideas that are perfect for this December 21st.


  • Decorate the outside of your house with barb wire fences, lookout towers, and a mote.  That way when the zombies start roaming freely, you and your party guests will be well protected inside your house.
  • Arrange grocery store-like displays of canned fruits and vegetables throughout your entire house.  Not only will this provide for some comic relief when your intoxicated Uncle Harold knocks over that pyramid of creamed corn, but it'll also be an invaluable source of nourishment when the world's food supply runs out.
  • To create a festive table centerpiece, fill large gift baskets with duct tape, batteries, glow sticks, water bottles, and those little aluminum foil blankets that keep you oh so warm.  The centerpieces might not be very pretty, but they sure will be functional when the lights go out...  
  • Consider hauling out those giant inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments.  Not only are they festive, but in the event of a planet-wide flood, such decorations will also serve as a flotation device!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'd Love to, But...

What does a person do when he/she has too many Valentine's Day propositions? How does a person politely decline all the thoughtful invitations with ease and decorum to maintain friendly relationships with all those prospective suitors?

Well, I don't believe I've ever had to do this before. So I do believe the phrase – “the blind leading, the blind” – seems to apply. But here we go:

  • Simple state – “No thank you, I'm already seeing someone.” Obvious enough.

  • Jerk your head to the side, as though you are listening for something. Then, claim that you have heard your cellphone ring, and excuse yourself from the conversation as quickly as possible. For the remainder of the week, do whatever is necessary (including ducking behind dumpsters, wearing a large Darth Vader-style helmet, and calling in dead to work) to avoid the prospective suitor.

  • Tell the prospective partner that you cannot make any Valentine's Day plans because you already have plans to wash your dog's hair. Let's be honest, we've all heard the “I'm washing my hair” excuse. But washing your dog's hair? Now that's a new one and might actually sound credible.

  • As soon as she/he asks you out, simply start crying. The prospective partner will feel so awkward and confused that she/he will probably forget about the entire thing.

  • And lastly, if all else fails, respond with a very polite – “I would love to go out with you on Valentine's Day, but my parole officer will have to come along as a chaperone for your protection.”

So if you are cursed with a beautiful face and killer body that makes everyone weak at the knees, I hope this posting helps you politely reject all those adoring fans. And if you're not so “cursed,” allow me to say – beauty fades with age, but a good sense of humor – that's eternal. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Bad Day Survival Kit

Did you have a bad day, today? I suppose we all do from time to time. And whether your bad day was the result of fighting with your coworkers, getting a speeding ticket, or being mistaken for Ozzy Osbourne by that little boy on the street, I have a few tools that might help improve your day. Call it a Bad Day Survival Kit, if you will. It's a set of tools that will improve your mood as much as possible, so tomorrow might be a better day.

THE BAD DAY SURVIVAL KIT
(take two, every two to four hours until symptoms subside)

  • A flannel bathrobe – to be worn as soon as you arrive home (tying the robe closed is optional*)
  • A six pack of beer – to be shared with friends (namely me, myself, and I)**
  • A tube of raw cookie dough – to be eaten by the spoonful***
  • Anything deep-fat fried and smothered in ketchup – to be eaten with a generous sprinkling of salt****
  • A full package of toilet paper – you'll know when*****
  • A pot of chocolate fondue made from melted candy bars – consume while wearing a napkin like a bib******
  • A humorous movie – to be watched before bed*******
  • Anything deep-fat fried and smother in chocolate – to be eaten by the dozen********
  • A rigorous workout – to burn off excess energy/stress*********
  • A good stiff shot of Pepto – to use as needed the following morning**********


* Talk to your doctor to see if you are sexy enough for an open bathrobe.
** Do not drive or operate machinery while using this treatment option.
*** Talk to your therapist to see if you are depressed enough to eat raw cookie dough.
**** May cause weight gain, heart disease, stroke, hypertension, acne, BO, and greasy finger.
***** If you don't know when, consult the book “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi.
****** Always wear protection.
******* Avoid drinking dairy products while using this treatment option – it'll all just come out your nose while laughing.
******** See ****
********* Talk to your thighs to see if exercise is right for you.
********** This may be the only true solution here...

Friday, February 3, 2012

Beef Stroganoff

BEEF STROGANOFF

Flavored with Marsala wine, and garnished with cherry tomatoes, my recipe for Beef Stroganoff is a new take on a classic dish.

Serves 4

2
tablespoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1
pound sirloin steak, patted dry and thinly sliced
1
large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
12
ounces white button mushrooms, brushed, trimmed, and halved
4
cloves garlic, peeled and finely minced
½
cup sweet Marsala wine
1
cup homemade beef stock, or low-sodium canned beef broth
1
tablespoon wholegrain mustard
12
ounces egg noodles

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
½
cup sour cream, plus more for garnish
8
ounces cherry tomatoes, halved
2
tablespoons fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped, plus more for garnish
1
tablespoon fresh dill, chopped, plus more for garnish

In a large skillet set over medium-high heat, warm 1 tablespoon of olive oil until hot, but not smoking. Add the sirloin steak and sear, stirring often, until well browned on all sides, about 5 minutes. Remove the steak from the skillet and set aside.

Return the skillet to the heat and add in the remaining tablespoon of oil. Cook the onion and mushrooms in the hot oil, stirring often, until tender and lightly golden, 5 to 8 minutes. Toss in the garlic and cook an additional minute. Then, remove the skillet from the heat and pour in the Marsala wine. Return the skillet to the heat and deglaze the pan by using a spoon to scrape up any browned bits stuck to the bottom. Add the beef stock, mustard, and reserved steak to the skillet. Cover and simmer until the steak is tender, 30 to 40 minutes.

Meanwhile, following the package instructions, cook the egg noodles in boiling salted water until al dente. Drain the noodles and drizzle with oil. Season with salt and black pepper.

Add the sour cream, cherry tomatoes, parsley, and dill to the skillet, stirring to combine well. Season to taste with salt and black pepper, and pour the stroganoff mixture over the cooked egg noodles. Garnish each serving with additional sour cream, parsley, and dill.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Super Bowl!

Though I must confess to having only the vaguest of understandings when it comes to football, I do enjoy watching the Super Bowl. If not for the sport, than I certainly watch it for the commercials and the requisite junk food. After all, at what other time of year can a guy kick back with a beer in one hand and a nacho-stuffed pizza sandwich in the other? It's like the Mardi Gras of sports competitions! Only in this case, one's indiscretions are solved with a quick swig of Pepto rather than a 40-day period of penance and self-denial.

But all the ensuing gastrointestinal distress, aside. Super Bowl is a great opportunity to gather together with your friends and family and enjoy some of life's guilty pleasures. (And that's speaking strictly from a culinary standpoint, of course. I hardly think that the Super Bowl is an excuse for such guilty pleasures as karaoke, Britney Spears music, or Craigslist dating.) And perhaps the true pièce de résistance is that on this one day of the year, eating your meal in front of the television is not only enjoyable, but required!

So with all that said, I'll finish today's posting with some of my favorite Super Bowl entertaining ideas. Here goes:

  • Always serve lots of popcorn. Not only is a well-buttered bowl of popcorn a delicious treat, but it also makes a safe projectile should any frustrated sports fan decide to throw something at the TV in disgust. You'd be surprised just how much damage a couple of sturdy chicken wings can do to a television when hurled at a failed quarterback.

  • Invest in a couple of those universal remotes. It's going to be a night of intense emotion, junk food, and beer – you can pretty much guarantee that you'll lose the TV remote and need a backup... or two.

  • To make your life easier (and to prevent you from missing out on any important plays) always lay all the food out on the coffee table. Sure it might get cold (or in the case of frozen foods, it might get hot), but who really wants to be darting in and out of the kitchen during timeouts? And besides, a melted ice cream cake makes an excellent halftime milkshake.

  • Remember, it's simply not the Super Bowl without some spicy chicken wings.

  • And lastly, if it can get dirty – cover it with a drop cloth. It's amazing how badly a fallen slice of pizza, spilled guacamole, or dribbled nacho cheese sauce can stain your upholstery, carpet, pets, and small children. So before the party starts, wrap everything in a good, thick layer of protective Saran wrap just to be on the safe side.