Cheesy Scallop Potatoes

OPEN KITCHEN with NATHAN SCOTT

Cheesy Scallop Potatoes

Flavored with plenty of onion and garlic, and topped with lots of Gruyere cheese, these scallop potatoes are anything, but ordinary.

Ingredients

            Serves 6 to 8

	¼	cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, plus more for greasing
	1	small yellow onion, peeled and thinly sliced
	8	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
	2	large sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked
		Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	1½	cups heavy cream
	1	cup milk
	1	tablespoon wholegrain mustard
	⅛	teaspoon ground nutmeg
	6	medium (2½ to 3 pounds) Yukon Gold potatoes, scrubbed and thinly sliced
	2	cups Gruyere or Swiss cheese, shredded

Directions

1.    Preheat the oven to 375°F.  Butter a 2½-quart baking dish and set aside.  Melt 2 tablespoons of butter in a sauté pan set over medium heat.  Add the onion and cook, stirring often, until translucent, 4 to 6 minutes.  Stir in the garlic and thyme leaves and cook until the garlic has softened, about 1 minute.  Remove from the heat and season to taste with salt and black pepper.  Set aside to cool.

2.    In a large measuring cup, whisk together the heavy cream, milk, and mustard.  Season the mixture with nutmeg, salt, and black pepper.  Pour enough of the cream mixture into the prepared baking dish to coat the bottom of the dish.  Arrange one-third of the sliced potatoes, overlapping slightly, in the dish.  Season the potatoes with salt and black pepper and spoon over half of the onion mixture.  Sprinkle the potatoes with one-third of the cheese and pour over some of the cream mixture.  Repeat this layering, and then top with a final layer of potatoes, cheese, and cream.

3.    Dot the top of the potatoes with the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter.  Cover the dish with a sheet of parchment paper and a sheet of aluminum foil.  Bake in the preheated oven until the potatoes are tender, about 90 minutes.  Then, remove the foil and parchment paper and continue to bake until the top is golden brown and bubbly, about 30 minutes more.  Remove and cool for at least 15 minutes before serving.

April Fool's 101

Looking for a fun April Fool's Day joke to play on your family/friends/coworkers? Well, look no further. Below I have compiled a list of some of my favorite April Fool's Day jokes. Of course, you know your family's/friends'/coworkers' sense of humor, so only choose jokes that he/she/they will find amusing (unless of course you don't like him/her/them – in which case, feel free to go crazy). But I think this list is a good start to a day of playful pranking.

• Dip the other person's pens, pencils, etc. in clear nail polish. This will temporarily stop all the writing utensils from working.
  
  
• Wrap everything in clear plastic wrap – the dresser drawers... the kitchen cabinets... the shower... EVERYTHING. Then, sit back and watch as your victim attempt to break his/her way through the seal to get at his/her socks, spoons, shampoo, and the like.
  
  
• Do a Google Images search for “butt pimples.” Then, take those photos and make them your coworkers' new desktop background images (password protected background images, of course).
  
  
• Does your office have a conference calling system? If so, call two coworkers using the conference call setting, and then hang up just as they answer. Both victims will assume the other one called and never know it was you.
  
  
• And finally, place your victim's underwear in the freezer while he/she is in the shower. Aw... nothing like a cold pair of underwear to make you feel alive in the morning. (And for a really mean trick, mist the underwear with water before freezing – that way the underwear freezes flat.)

End of Days, Part XI

Let's be honest here, an ill-conceived guest list can ruin a party.  And that is especially true for your End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party.  After all, assuming that you and your guests survive the end of the world, you might be spending a rather long post-apocalyptic life together.  So in an effort to help you make the right guest list choices, allow me to offer you a few suggestions.

• Never invite a marathon runner to your party.  You want all your guests to be slower than you - that way the zombies catch them first.
• Never invite your psychiatrist to your party.  Otherwise, you'll end up spending the next few years answering the question "And how does the end of the world make you feel?"
• Always invite that hillbilly cousin of your's to the party.  He can make moonshine out of anything.
• And don't forget to invite your old frat buddy.  It's just not a party without the old frat buddy!

Dinner at My Place, Part II?

After writing yesterday's blog posting, I realized that I didn't cover the topic of what foods/drinks you should be serving your special guest during your first “dinner at my place.” And so now, I present Dinner at My Place, Part II: The Search for More Lovin'.

First, choose a simple menu – something you know that you can prepare and prepare well. It is much better to wow your guest with a prize-winning pot roast than to disappoint with a limp souffle. Furthermore, most foods that you are not familiar with will probably wreak havoc on your digestive tract. And nobody wants to spend that first date in the bathroom suffering the consequences of curry.

Second, invite your special guest to bring the wine. Not only will most dinner guests appreciate contributing to the meal in some manner, but a straight-from-the-store, never-before-opened bottle of wine insures that nobody is slipping anyone a pre-dinner roofie.

And third, never serve too much food. Aside from the fact that most dates will probably look at a tableful of food and think, “Wow, she/he must think I'm the world's biggest fatty,” eating too much food will send you both straight into a post-dinner food coma. And who really wants to end that first dinner date sitting on the sofa, watching Letterman, and clenching every muscle for fear of letting a bit of gas pass?

Dinner At My Place?

So, you've met someone special now, huh? You've had the innocent cup of coffee, the polite lunch, and the intimate dinner for two. You've perhaps gone to see a couple of sappy chick-flicks, shared a sundae, and maybe even gone dancing. And now you're ready for the “dinner at my place.” Granted, this can be a stressful situation for anyone (regardless of culinary ability and housekeeping habits), but there are a few steps that you can take to reduce the level of stress and hopefully get the night started off right.

First, don't overdo it with the cleaning. Sure, you want the house to look tidy when your special friend arrives, but let's be honest here, nobody expects your home to smell like a fresh mountain stream, bed of roses, or gigantic lemon-sprouting pine tree. So, dust off the knickknacks, sweep the floor, and scrub the toilet – do what you need to, to make the place look presentable, and then forget about the rest. Face it, if you're so concerned with the crumbs behind the refrigerator, you're going to be far too stressed out to enjoy yourself, and your date will probably assume that you are either desperate, a control freak, or a serial killer attempting to destroy any and all DNA evidence.

Second, assume that your date will probably be poking about the house a bit to learn more about you. I think we've all overheard a date opening the bathroom cabinet before to scrutinize it's contents. So, be proactive – hide whatever you don't want them to find. Antifungal lotions... Star Wars action figures... that jar of foot fuzz that you keep beside your bed for some reason, would all be good things to hide before your date arrives.

And third, start the night off with a joke. Wear a tacky “Kiss the Cook” apron, play some David Hasselhoff music, or post a “Nudist Colony” sign on your front door. Not only will you and your date start the evening off laughing, but such jokes might also help you end the evening smiling.

Pot-au-Feu

OPEN KITCHEN with NATHAN SCOTT

Pot-au-Feu with Horseradish Toast

Pot-au-Feu (or “pot on fire,” in French) is a delicious recipe to serve during the cold winter months.

Ingredients

            Serves 4

	2	tablespoons olive oil
	1	2- to 3-pound lean boneless rump roast, patted dry
		Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	2	medium carrots, peeled and cut into ½-inch slices
	2	medium parsnips, peeled and cut into ½-inch slices
	2	celery stalks, cut into ½-inch slices
	1	small turnip, peeled and cut into ½-inch slices
	1	small yellow onion, peeled and chopped
	1	large leek, white and light green parts cut into ½-inch slices
	½	pound new potatoes, scrubbed and halved if large
		Several sprigs of fresh thyme and parsley, bay leaves, and peeled garlic tied together inside a cheesecloth sack, plus additional parsley for the toast
	1½	quarts homemade chicken stock, or low-sodium canned chicken broth
	¼	cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, softened
	1	tablespoon prepared horseradish
	1	French baguette, cut into 1-inch slices and toasted

Directions

1.    Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a stockpot until hot, but not smoking.  Season the roast with salt and black pepper, and sear in the oil until well browned.  Remove the roast and set aside.  Pour the remaining tablespoon of oil into the pot.  Add the carrots, parsnips, celery, turnip, onion, and leek.  Cook, stirring often, until the vegetables have softened, 5 to 8 minutes.

2.    Return the roast to the pot.  Add the potatoes, herbs, and chicken stock.  Bring to a simmer, and cook until the vegetables are tender, 30 to 40 minutes.  (The roast will cook to about medium-rare.  If you prefer your meat to be more cooked, continue simmering until the beef reaches the desired degree of doneness.)  Remove the roast to a cutting board and allow to rest for at least 10 minutes before slicing.  Season the soup to taste with salt and black pepper, then ladle into soup bowls.  Top each serving with slices of the roast beef.

3.    Combine the butter and horseradish with 1 tablespoon of chopped parsley.  Season with salt and black pepper.  Smear the butter over the slices of bread, and serve with the Pot-au-Feu.  

End of Days, Part X

A party just isn't a party without some form of party game. And that statement is especially true for your upcoming End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party! So to help you plan for this final shindig, allow me to provide you with a few Armageddon party game ideas. They might not be the most politically correct, but hey – come December 22^nd, nobody will really be caring about political correctness...

• Bob for Twinkies (might as well get used to eating Twinkies, they're going to be eating them for a while)
  
  
• Zombie pinata (break out the baseball bats and see what's inside that brain-loving zombie)
  
  
• Pin the tail on the alien (why should they have all the fun probing)
  
  
• Strip poker (you might as well take some clothes off – between greenhouse gases, global warming, and solar flares, it could get very hot around here very quickly)
  
  
• Charades (who doesn't love charades)
  
  
• Fire walking (will be a useful skill when the Earth's crust start to crack up and lava starts flowing about)

Spring Cleaning. Ugh....

With the start of spring, many of us have plans to get outside and enjoy the warmer weather. And yet, in the back of our minds each of us hears our mother's voice saying “It's time to clean the house.” And though I despair at the thought that springtime has become inseparably linked to the idea of housework, I do feel obligated to air out the winter musk and Lysol until I'm lightheaded.

But I suppose that spring cleaning doesn't have to be all that bad. There are ways to make it a rather enjoyable task. For example, why not get together with your friends and host a series of spring cleaning parties? One weekend, all your friends could stop by with their mops, brooms, and other cleaning paraphernalia, and together you scrub the house until it shines. Of course, you would then be obligated to assist them in their spring cleaning. But I think you'd be surprised how much fun carpet shampooing, window washing, and toilet scrubbing can be when your surrounded by laughing friends, eating good food, and drinking glass after glass of chardonnay.

And if you are not comfortable with your friends being in your house when it is not at its most spotless (or if you have some embarrassing secret to hide from them – a room devoted to Mighty Morphin Power Ranger action figures, a booty of shoplifted mannequins, or a life size replica of the USS Enterprise bridge), there are certainly other ways to make spring cleaning fun. For example, dusting the house with a leaf blower is not only effective, but lot's of fun. And a generous smear of peanut butter across the floor will not only make your house smell like peanut butter cookies, but also get your pets involved in the cleaning process; your dog(s) will get a tasty treat, and your floors will get licked clean. It's win, win!

So in conclusion, I wish you good luck with this year's spring cleaning. It's not exactly the most glamorous job, but with enough wine and creative thought – it sure can be a funny one.

Spring! Well, Sort of...

Well, it's spring. Which, unfortunately in Northern Maine means we'll probably be shoveling snow for another month. But, at least we can look forward to some more sunshine and perhaps a day or two that is above the freezing mark. If, however, you are like me and hoping that spring comes a bit earlier this year, there are a few things that you can do to help move the season on.

First, take a day or two off from work and snow blow not just the driveway, but the entire lawn. It's amazing how good you will feel when you look out your window and can't find a snowbank anywhere in sight. Of course, this tip does come with its challenges. Namely, what is a person to do with all that excess snow? And though I'm not suggesting that you intentionally blow all the snow into your neighbor's backyard. I really don't know what a person is to do if the wind is simply blowing in that direction.

Second, get yourself some robins. Of course, I don't expect you to just stop by the local pet store and pick up a flock of the red-breasted birds. But you know, with a little red paint and an airbrush... those backyard chickadees, finches, and squirrels can be made to look robin-y soon enough.

And third, put a cork in those full-bodied red wines that you drink all winter long. And break open a few bottles of a nice, crisp, light white wine. It's spring – a time for white wine. And after enough of the stuff, you'll almost be able to forget that you're sitting in a lawn chair in your snow blown backyard attempting to get a subzero suntan through your parka.

Happy spring everyone!

Post-Patty's Day 101

Congratulations on surviving St. Patrick's Day! And assuming, of course, that youdid celebrate this most jovial of holidays with great gusto and thirst, I think it is safe to say that today you might be feeling a bit under-the-weather. And whether it is a pounding hangover headache or a corned beef-induced case of cramps, I have a few tips to help get you through this workday, so that you can get on with your weekend.

First, a nice long shower is an important part of any morning-after routine. In the case of St. Patrick's Day, you'll need to wash off the smell of beer, cabbage, and sweaty leprechauns before heading out to work. (Not to mention the green face paint, glitter, and lipstick that somehow found its way onto your face during the night – a makeup situation that probably makes you look somewhat like an effeminate Hulk, let's be honest here.)

And don't forget to brush your teeth after your shower. Aside from the fact that nobody enjoys corned beef breath, all that green beer has probably given those pearly whites a nice patina.

Second, if you have no qualms about drinking in the morning (I see no reason why you should – after last night, this is really no time to start feigning prudishness.), why not fix yourself a Blood Mary? A touch more alcohol and that headache is sure to go away. And if you're still feeling in a festive mood, why not make the drink with spinach or wheat grass juice instead of the traditional tomato juice? Not only will it be nutritious, but the green color makes for the perfect post-St. Patty's Day pick-me-up.

Third, take today to reaffirm those New Year's weight-loss resolutions. Get on that treadmill... Go climb that mountain... Do what you have intended to do for months now. Not only will you be accomplishing something you've wanted to do for a while now, but chances are you'll also sweat off some of that excess alcohol. Just be sure to take a shower again after your workout. Otherwise, you'll just go into work smelling like a drunken sumo wrestler.

And lastly, if all else fails, do as the Irish do (or at least as I've heard they do) – ask a friend to bury you neck-deep in moist river sand. I have no idea what this does for your hangover, but I did once meet a man from Kilmaine that swore by it. Of course, he also said that a good Irish sand scrub could cure any ailment – from bunions to bronchitis. Which does bring into question his credibility...

Beer-Battered Onion Rings

BEER-BATTERED ONION RINGS

It wouldn't be St. Patrick's Day without some kind of pub food. So today, I'll share with you a recipe for Beer-Battered Onion Rings that makes the perfect St. Paddy's Day treat.

Serves 4

1	cup prepared mayonnaise
¼	cup wholegrain mustard
1	clove garlic, peeled and finely minced
1	tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice, plus lemon wedges, for garnish
	Cayenne pepper
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	Peanut oil, for frying
1	cup all-purpose flour
¼	cup yellow cornmeal
½	teaspoon baking powder
1	cup lager beer
2	Vidalia onions, peeled and cut into ½-inch thick rings

In a mixing bowl, combine the mayonnaise with the mustard, garlic, and lemon juice. Stir in a pinch of Cayenne pepper and season to taste with salt and black pepper. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to serve.

In a large stockpot, heat 2 to 3 inches of peanut oil until it registers 375ºF on a deep-frying thermometer. Meanwhile, in a small mixing bowl, combine ¾ cup of the flour with the cornmeal and baking powder. Add in a pinch of Cayenne pepper and season with salt and black pepper. With a whisk, gradually beat the lager beer into the flour mixture, being sure to work out any lumps.

Working in batches, dredge the onion rings in the remaining ¼ cup of the all-purpose flour. Then, dip the onions in the beer batter. Remove the onion rings from the batter and allow any excess batter to drip off. Carefully place the onion rings in the hot oil and fry until golden brown and cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes. Remove the finished onion rings from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined baking sheet. Continue frying any remaining batches of onion rings. Sprinkle the finished onion rings with additional salt and serve with the Mustard Aïoli and lemon wedges.

St. Patrick's Day 101

With St. Patrick's Day just around the corner, I thought that today I would provide you with a few key tips to make this holiday special. So, here we go:

• Dress for success. If you enjoy wearing green on St. Patty's Day – wear as much of it as you can. Let's be honest, after the festivities commence, nobody is going to care that your lime green socks clash with your olive green scarf, hunter green shirt, and puke green beer helmet. And if you do not enjoy wearing green on St. Patty's Day (or simply haven't done laundry in a while), go out and purchase one of those white t-shirts that reads “Kisses, not pinches,” and enjoy the perks – or should I say pecks – of not wearing green.
  
  
• Use digression when dying foods with green food coloring. A chocolate cake is beautiful when iced in a thick layer of mint-green frosting. While a similarly colored biscuit, soda bread, or scone simply looks moldy.
  
  
• Don't forget to stock up on green beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• Stay away from the stout floats. Sure, a pint of Guinness topped off with a scoop of vanilla ice cream sounds thoroughly festive. But it's also thoroughly disgusting. And if you think it tastes bad on the way down, just imagine how it will taste on the way back up. (Not that I would be speaking from experience, of course...)
  
  
• And finally, remember that St. Patrick's Day is not just about beer. The Irish are a creative and hardworking people. And there is so much more to the Irish culture than just Guinness. They also make really great whiskey!

End of Days, Part IX

If you're like me, you might be thinking your End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party needs a theme. (Something other than – we're all gonna die!) After all, most great parties do have some sort of theme. And since this may very well be the last party you will ever host, you had better make the theme memorable. So in an effort to help you decide on the best party theme possible, allow me to offer you a brief list of some appropriate Armageddon party themes.

• Under the Sea – particularly suitable for people hosting there End-of-the-Mayan-Calendar Party in low-lying areas which will likely flood in a most Noah's Ark-ian fashion when the world comes to its end.
• Zombie Chic – that way you, as well as your dinner guests, will blend in when the zombies start roaming freely.
• Alien Invasion – especially well suited for those party hosts who intend to defect to our new alien overlords.
• Fourth of July – a particularly suitable theme since the sun going nova will most likely provide the biggest fireworks display anyone has ever seen.
• Weenie Roast – this theme is especially relevant to those party hosts living along a fault line or near a volcano; when Armageddon arrives and the Earth's crust starts to crack up, all that molten lava will be perfect for roasting those hotdogs, hamburgers, and s'mores.

The First Awkward Dates of Spring

With springtime quickly approaching (hopefully, anyway), more and more people will be getting out of the house and meeting new people. Which means, many of us will soon be going on one or more awkward first date(s). And though I really don't know any good tips to help make that first date any less awkward, I do have a few suggestions that might help, should you put your foot in your mouth and unintentionally compare your date to a drunken donkey, soggy squirrel, or half-baked teenage trombonist.

First, no matter what you said (even if it really is the truth), the moment you put your foot in your mouth – APOLOGIZE. Don't try to explain your point or your line of thought – you'll just be digging yourself in deeper. Let's be honest, your date's laugh probably does sound exactly like a bickering pair of barn owls, but that is not what she/he wants to hear. So apologize and blame it on the brain aneurism that you are now going to pretend you have.

Second, call over the waiter and ask for one of every dessert the restaurant serves. Nothing smoothes over a tense situation more than a slice of cheesecake garnished with a brownie, strawberry shortcake, bread pudding, and an eclair.

Third, try a little self-deprecating humor, and encourage your date to join in on the fun. How can a person stay mad at you after you tell them about the time you drunkenly misplaced your pants and had to walk-of-shame your way across the college great lawn wearing nothing more than a poorly tailored garbage bag? (Not that I would be speaking from experience, of course.)

And if all else fails, try physically putting your foot in your mouth. Your date will either find the bit of physical comedy amusing and start laughing, or be disgusted and immediately leave (effectively ending the already ruined date). And if your date finds the whole foot-in-mouth thing oddly appealing? Well... you should probably leave immediately.

Best of luck.

Daylight Savings 101

Does the switch to daylight savings time have you down? Have you yet to catch up on that lost hour of sleep? Are you blankly staring at your computer screen right now because it seems far too early to be reading this witty blog entry about the time change? You are? Good – so am I.

Ten Ways to Deal with the Time Change:

• Move one time zone west.
• Switch from coffee to Red Bull.
• Sleep in your swim suit – this doesn't actually do anything to help you adjust to the new time, but it is a subtle reminder that spring is almost here, and that's something to look forward to.
• Start each morning off with some exercise – chances are you'll still be too sleepy to actually realize you're exercising.
• Don't start each morning off with some exercise – use the extra time to catch up on sleep.
• Purchase an inflatable mattress and set it up under your desk – you'd be amazed how much a pre-meeting catnap can do for you.
• Turn off your lights – the whole idea behind daylight savings is to conserve on energy. So, if DST has you sleeplessly sitting up all night, you might as well at least reap the benefits of a lower electric bill.
• Enroll as a test subject in an experimental sleep study at your local medical testing lab – maybe their new sleep aid will help... (Side effects may include: dry mouth, drooling, sleep walking, vivid or unusual dreams, spontaneous knuckle growth, hair loss, weight gain, sweaty brow, excess hair growth from ears, nose, and toes, hot flashes, cold chills, numb tongue, genetic mutation, devolution, coma, and/or death.)
• Try to convince your children that they have traveled through time one hour – again, this one doesn't do much for you, but it sure is entertaining.
• (Insert Tip #10 here) – I'll finish this later; I'm going back to bed.