Apple Cranberry Turnovers

APPLE CRANBERRY TURNOVERS

Why is it that nobody makes turnovers at home? They are incredibly easy to make, taste wonderful, and take about half as much time and energy to bake as a pie. You would think home cooks would be whipping up daily batches for last minute desserts. And yet, turnovers seem to be a product that people purchase exclusively in ready-made form from their local bakeries and cafes. To so many, turnovers are rather like Twinkies – products that can only be made in a more industrialize setting with computer-driven equipment and a stockpile of preservatives all ending with the suffix -hyde. (You know what I mean? Those preservatives with unpronounceable names that remind you of formaldehyde.) Well, anyway... I hope that this simple recipe for Apple and Cranberry Turnovers will help change your impression about these little pastries. They're fast, easy, and won't leave you feeling partially embalmed like some of their preservative-ridden, store-bought counterparts.

Makes 8

4	medium Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and cut into ½-inch cubes
¼	cup dried cranberries
	Juice and zest of 1 lemon
½	cup granulated sugar
1	tablespoon cornstarch
½	teaspoon apple pie spice
	Kosher salt
	All-purpose flour, for dusting
1	17.3-ounce package frozen puff pastry, thawed
1	large egg, beaten with 1 teaspoon water, for egg wash
2	cups confectioner's sugar, beaten with ¼ cup water, for glaze

1. Preheat the oven to 400ºF. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside. In a large mixing bowl, toss together the apples, dried cranberries, and lemon zest. Stir in the lemon juice, sugar, cornstarch, apple pie spice, and a pinch of salt. Set aside.

2. On a lightly floured work surface, roll out both sheets of puff pastry to 12-by-12-inch squares. Cut each square into quarters, creating four 6-by-6-inch squares from each sheet of puff pastry.

3. Brush the edges of each puff pastry square with some egg wash. Then, neatly place ½ cup of the apple filling mixture on the center of each square. Fold the squares of pastry in half diagonally, enclosing the filling. Then, firmly pinch the edges of pastry together to create a tight seam. Transfer the turnovers to the prepared baking sheet and brush with the remaining egg wash. Cut two slits in the top of each turnover – this will allow steam to vent as the turnovers bake.

4. Transfer the turnovers to the preheated oven and bake until golden brown and puffed, 20 to 25 minutes. Then, remove from the oven and cool slightly before drizzling with the glaze.

Last Minute Treats

And I certainly haven't forgotten all of you holiday procrastinators out there, who for one reason or another still have yet to purchase your Halloween candy. Fortunately, should you not have the time to make it to the store before the trick-or-treaters show up on your doorstep, I have compiled a brief list of common, household treats that you can dole out with confidence.

• Factory-sealed bags of microwavable popcorn are always a fun and healthy Halloween treat for kids. Or better yet, hand out pans of Jiffy Pop – children love to watch as that foil-topped pan of popcorn balloons outward like some sort of aluminum tumor.
  
  
• Young children love stickers. So give them a couple postage stamps, some mailing labels, or even leftover campaign bumper stickers.
  
  
• Young children also love fake tattoos. A rubber stamper of some sort (one that has your mailing address, the date, or even the word APPROVED in large letters), can be used to give the child a festive temporary tattoo on the hand, arm, or forehead.
  
  
• For older children, cough drops and miniature bottles of Purell are a gentle reminder that cold and flu season will soon be upon us.
  
  
• And if all else fails, factory-sealed tea bags, tins of instant coffee, and cans of soda all make great Halloween treats. After all, the candy that every other house on the block is handing out will send pretty much every child in the country into a sugar-induced fit of insomnia. So I figure the children might appreciate a caffeine-laden drink the following morning before heading out to school.

After looking at this list a second time, I'm not entirely sure the term “treats” applies. But then again, the saying is “trick or treat” so I suppose the costumed children should expect a few less-than-sweet treats to end up in their Halloween candy bags by the end of the evening.

Swamp Slime Pizza and Other Recipe Ideas

No child should be permitted to trick-or-treat on an empty stomach. Let's be serious here, a hungry child plus a seemingly bottomless bag of candy will most certainly end in a severe tummy ache (if not puddles of candy apple red puke). And that is why parents should always feed their children a large meal before they set out on their night-long, door-to-door quest for sugar. If not for their health, then surely feed your children a large Halloween dinner so they don't wake you up in the middle of the night complaining of cramps.

Whenever I'm preparing a Halloween dinner, I take a few things into consideration. First, it has to be quick-to-prepare as most children will be too preoccupied with costume design to wait for their dinner. Second, the dinner must be quite filling to curb excessive candy consumption. And third, it must look as grotesque as possible and have an equally disgusting name to accompany it.

In past years I've made:

• Swamp Slime Pizza – which is nothing more than pizza crust smeared with loads of slime-green pesto and topped with shredded mozzarella.
  
  
• Maggot Garnished Vampire Soup – bowls of blood red tomato soup garnished with larvae-like orzo pasta.
  
  
• Rat Dropping Risotto – steaming plates of parmesan cheese risotto, dyed a most disgusting shade of black with either food coloring or squid ink (which can be found at specialty shops or ordered online).
  
  
• Deep-Fried Ogre Toes with Mud Dip – a creative name for chicken nuggets served with a generous dollop of gloppy sweet and sour sauce.
  
  
• And of course for dessert there is always Blood and Pus Pie – a lemon curd pie dyed blood red with food coloring and topped with mounds of fresh and foamy meringue.

No child will be able to resist such a ghastly Halloween dinner. And who knows, some of these recipe ideas might just help avoid that late-night sugar shock that so many children experience after a successful night of trick-or-treating

Pumpkin Carving 101

Perhaps it is just me, but it seems that people do not decorate for Halloween nearly as much as certain other holidays (like Christmas). But then again, I suppose there aren't as many decorations in the stores, nor ideas provided in books and magazines for this particularly gruesome holiday. And it is rather difficult to compete with any holiday that provides decorating instructions set to music. I imagine Halloween decorating would become much more popular is the song went “Deck the halls with bats and spiders. Fa la la la la, la la la la...”

But despite the apparent lack of Halloween decorating know-how, I believe there is one decoration that no house should be without on any October 31^st – a Jack-o-Lantern. They are easy to carve, fun for children and adults alike, and they are a simple way to add a bit of holiday spirit to even the most drab of Halloween houses. Plus, with the introduction of Funkins (that is to say, artificial, carve-able pumpkins), you can carve a jack-o-lantern this year and use it for years to come without the worry of mold, mildew, and general decomposition of a year-old pumpkin jack-o-lantern. (A word of warning, however, if you choose to use a Funkin. Be certain that everyone knows it is a fake pumpkin. There is nothing more disappointing or hilarious than a frugal grandmother attempting to transform last night's Funkin jack-o-lantern into today's Funkin pie.)

When carving a jack-o-lantern be sure to keep a few things in mind. First, always supervise any child while he or she carves a pumpkin. Second, never leave a candle-lit jack-o-lantern unattended. And third, even if the mold doesn't bother you, the jack-o-lantern must still be thrown out before Thanksgiving dinner starts. I don't care if you're the sort who takes down your crispy Christmas tree on the Fourth of July, nothing stinks up a house worse than a rancid jack-o-lantern.

And of course, if you didn't grow your own pumpkins or simply don't wish to purchase one for carving, then rummage through the fridge and find a substitute like an squash, turnip, or beet. They work just as well, and actually are believed to be the first vegetables that were carved into jack-o-lanterns.  

Cold Weather Costumes

With snow already starting to fall here in parts of Northern Maine, I thought it might be a good idea to share with you a few cold weather Halloween costume ideas. After all, nothing puts more of a damper on the festivities than having to wear a parka over your awesome pirate costume. Well... I suppose certain other things could put more of a damper on the celebration. For example, your obese great-uncle, Walter, showing up in his speedo-clad Michael Phelps costume might prove slightly awkward for everyone. (Especially if he forgets to shave his back hair...) But certainly, I think it is safe to say that cold weather is one of the things that can put a damper on your holiday. And so below you will find a few suggestions for costumes that will keep you fashionable and warm during a chilly All Hallow's Eve.

• Using a little cotton batting (the filling used to make quilts puffy), you can create a wonderful snowman costume. Simply wrap your thighs, torso, and head with the stuff to make three snowman-like balls. Then, with a couple of branches affixed to your arms and a strategically placed carrot, you'll be ready to trudge through even the deepest of snow.
  
  
• Depending upon the color, a faux-fur coat (Which was apparently fashionable at one time?) can make an excellent yeti, gorilla, or muppet costume.
  
  
• By substituting fleece for the more traditional satin or silk, any man can go to the Halloween party as a cold weather Hugh Hefner.
  
  
• As humans lose most of their body heat through their heads, wearing a costume that involves a thick wig, hat, or head piece should keep you sufficiently warm. So ladies, feel free to break out that Cher wig, Princess Leia earmuffs, or Lady Gaga meat helmet.
  
  
• And if all else fails, put on your Borat thong and stay home. Because let's be honest here – if you have a Borat thong, you probably weren't invited to any parties anyway.

So now that you know the basics of cold-weather costume design, feel free to leave the parka behind and strike out on a fun evening of trick-or-treating, confident that no chilly autumn breeze will be sending a shiver up your spine.

Recipe Friday

With my newest series of televised cooking segments, Open Kitchen, now airing on WAGM-TV8 on Thursday evenings (at 5:30), I think it makes sense to shift Recipe Monday to Friday. That way you can quickly print out this recipe on Friday morning, and take it with you in preparation for a bit of weekend entertaining.

PENNE with SCALLOPS, EGGPLANT, and TOMATO

Eggplants are rather like tofu, I should say – a little tasteless, a little spongy, and overall kind of boring. But considering the health benefits of the lowly eggplant, one cannot help but feel somewhat obligated to include them occasionally in a balanced diet. After all, eggplants are an excellent source of folic acid, potassium, and may even help block the formation of free radicals in the body. (Free radicals, of course, being those unique particles that play an important role in certain biological processes, all the while damaging certain other biological processes causing diseases, mutations, and eventual death. Talk about being two-faced...) Fortunately for us, eggplants have a tendency to absorb basically any flavor you pair with them, making it all the easier to hide the boring fruits in whatever you happen to be cooking. In this recipe, the eggplant is flavored with red pepper flakes, garlic, and basil. It is then simmered until it falls apart into a smooth sauce and served with fresh scallops over a mound of pasta.

Serves 4

¼	cup olive oil
¼	teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (optional)
1	medium eggplant, peeled and cut into ½-inch cubes
1	yellow onion, peeled and finely chopped
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1	28-ounce can whole tomatoes, crushed
1	pound penne or other short pasta
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1	pound bay scallops, patted dry
¼	cup Kalamata olives, pitted and sliced
¼	cup heavy cream
8	ounces fresh mozzarella, cut into ½-inch cubes
¼	cup fresh basil leaves, chopped
½	cup Parmesan cheese, finely grated

1. Combine the olive oil and red pepper flakes in a large saucepan. Set over medium heat and cook until the pepper flakes begin to sizzle. Add the eggplant and stir well to coat in the oil. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until the eggplant begins to soften, 6 to 8 minutes. Then, add the onion and garlic. Once the onion and garlic have browned slightly, pour in the canned tomatoes. Reduce the heat to low and simmer the sauce for 15 to 20 minutes.

2.  Meanwhile, following the package instructions, cook the pasta in a pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain the pasta and return to the pot.

3.  Add the bay scallops to the eggplant and tomato sauce. Simmer, stirring often, until the scallops have cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes. Season with salt and black pepper.

4. Remove the sauce from the heat and stir in the olives and heavy cream. Pour the sauce over the prepared pasta. Toss in the mozzarella and basil leaves, allowing the cheese to melt into the pasta. Then, top with a sprinkling of grated Parmesan cheese.

The Snoop Alarm

Why is it that dinner guests so frequently feel the compulsion to look through your bathroom cabinets? What is it that they are expecting to find? It's a bathroom cabinet. There's a tube of toothpaste, an untouched roll of floss, and that bottle of post-party antacids – the same as anyone's bathroom cabinet. Or at least I assume my bathroom cabinet is the same as everyone else's. Since I try not to make a habit of snooping through other's drawers, I don't suppose I actually know what other people keep tucked away in the far recesses of their vanity. But I can't imagine it being anything terribly shocking.

It kind of makes you want to throw something crazy in there just to freak out the nosy neighbors. You know... like one of those singing fish! I'd like to tack one of those up in the back of my bathroom cabinet. Then, when a nosy dinner guest opens the cupboard door, a giant novelty bass could suddenly bursts into song, belting out “Jingle Bell Rock” or “Monster Mash.” Or perhaps it could sing one of those little songs you teach your child as he or she begins potty training - “Tinkle, Tinkle on the pot. Then, wash your hands free of the snot.” That might actually be quite helpful should a dinner guest have a bashful bladder or have a nasty tendency to skip the requite post-potty hand washing.

It might also be quite funny to fill my little cupboard with the spices from my spice rack. I wonder what someone would say if they thought their pasta had been seasoned with bathroom basil or potty paprika? Or perhaps better yet, I could fill the cupboard with dried beans or marbles or something. Something that would make a lot of noise when it tumbles down onto the porcelain sink – rather like a bathroom snoop alarm to amuse everyone at the expense of the nosy guest.

Hmm... Well, I'll keep thinking about this. There must be some shocking thing I could place in there to deter the bathroom snoops. But then again, I suppose after reading this, most people will think twice before looking into my bathroom cabinet.

Mystery Meat and Lobster Hats

Coming up with a creative Halloween costume is part of the fun of this macabre holiday. But not all of us have the money to spend on an elaborate store-bought costume. Nor do most of us have the time to make one ourselves. And so we are left to either don the traditional bed sheet toga or nothing at all. (And, of course, by “nothing at all” I mean – to not wear a costume on Halloween. I won't be held responsible should any of you interpret that statement to mean it's somehow appropriate to dole out candy to frightened trick-or-treaters in your birthday suit.) But fortunately for all of us, the kitchen is filled with useful last-minute costume ideas. Just a few possibilities follow.

• Wrap yourself from head to toe in aluminum foil and go to the Halloween party as Mystery Meat.
  
  
• Strategically placed pickled grape leaves (found in the ethnic aisle of your grocery store for use in Mediterranean cooking) make for a great Adam and Eve ensemble.
  
  
• Cut mini marshmallows in half and stick them to your face. Then, dye them brown with a magic marker to create lifelike warts.
  
  
• Lettuce, glued to the face and hands with some honey can transform you into a rather convincing Swamp Thing.
  
  
• Or go Gaga style by wearing a lobster for a hat or creating a dress entirely out of meat.

The list could go on, but I believe you get the idea. So create yourself a costume, stock up the candy jar, and carve that traditional pumpkin because Halloween is right around the corner!

The Constipated Conversation

Whether you're a die hard entertainer from L.A., or a reclusive hobbit living on Walden Pond, we've all faced a similar challenge – how to break an awkward silence. No matter how much you plan your dinner party, despite how diverse your guest list is, and regardless of how many offbeat conversation pieces you cram into the room (and I'm talking glittered Persian garden gnomes and bejeweled Three Stooges salt and pepper shakers, sort of offbeat), you can safely bet that at some point during the evening, the conversation will die. It's a problem that I've nicknamed – the constipated conversation - everyone wants to chat, but for some reason, nothing is coming out.

And regardless of how or why the conversation fizzled out (be it from boredom, apathy, or your cousin Robert's awkwardly passionate diatribe against the apparently false advertising of the 2000 Flushes company), as the host or hostess, it is up to you to overcome any unexpected conversation stoppers and get people chatting again. So I've drafted a short listing of possible solutions for this common dinner time problem. You will find it below. But before you read on, let me just remind you – constipated conversation is a non-life threatening condition. So no matter how bad the conversational faux pas, you can breathe some life back into the party.

• Play psychologist, by going around the table and asking everyone how they feel about the awkward silence. Then, diagnose them all with humorous phobias, such as Arachibutyrophobia or the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth.
  
  
• Put a couple of drops of Tabasco in a wine bottle and pour everyone a fresh glass. Your guests will note the added spice and either do a couple of humorous spit-takes or engage in a conversation about the wine.
  
  
• Tell your guests that you have proof that two of them are having an affair. Then, sit back and watch the soap opera unfold in front of you.
  
  
• Have a puppy, baby, or other small, furry mammal on standby. Then, when the conversation dies, bring out the small animal and let everyone coo and crow at it. It might not exactly be intelligent conversation, but at least people will once again be making noise.
  
  
• And nothing gets people laughing and talking again like a bit of slapstick humor. So identify the most elderly, feeblest, and confused person sitting at the dinner table, and play an impromptu game of THINK FAST!

And now that you know how to jumpstart any stalled conversation, feel free to invite that awkward cousin, that politically incorrect frat buddy, or even that drunken Mel Gibson to your next party. And take pride in knowing that no matter how badly they botch things up, you'll still be able to get people talking again.

Traditional Popcorn Balls

TRADITIONAL POPCORN BALLS

Popcorn balls have to be my all-time favorite Halloween candy. I remember when I was taking piano lessons in grade school - my piano teacher, Carolyn, always made popcorn balls for Halloween, mounding them in this enormous basket beside her front door. And they were the best popcorn balls ever. She would always give me two when I left from my lesson that week – one for me and one for my older brother. Well… let’s just say my brother never knew Carolyn sent a popcorn ball home for him. In fact, neither of the two popcorn balls survived the ten minute drive home with me in the car.

Makes about 20

10 cups (about ½ cup unpopped) lightly buttered and salted popcorn

1 cup granulated sugar

½ cup unsulfured molasses

½ cup water

¼ cup unsalted butter

½ teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 200°F. Prepare a small bowl of water, as well as a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and set aside. Pick through the popcorn and remove any unpopped kernels. Place the popcorn in a large roasting pan and keep warm in the preheated oven.

In a large stock pot, combine the sugar, molasses, water, and butter. Set the pot over medium heat and stir to dissolve the sugar. Clip a candy thermometer to the side of the pot and continue to cook until the mixture reaches 270°F or the soft crack stage. Immediately remove from the heat and quickly stir in the vanilla extract.

Remove the popcorn from the oven and pour the sugar mixture over it. Toss well with a large wooden spoon to completely coat the popcorn in the sugar mixture. Working quickly, dip your hands in the bowl of water, then take about ½ cup of the popcorn mixture and form it into a 2-inch ball. Place the ball on the parchment-lined sheet tray and continue forming the popcorn balls. You should end up with about 20 popcorn balls. If the mixture becomes to hard or difficult to work with, place the roasting pan back in the oven for a few minutes to soften the sugar mixture.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Often times, recipes for popcorn balls tell you to grease your hands with softened butter to keep the popcorn from sticking to them as you form the balls. Is it just me, or does the thought of greasing your hands before handling burning hot sugar seem a little like using butter as sun block? If you are a traditionalist, feel free to grease your hands up, but I’m going to use water to form my popcorn balls.

Rainy Weekends

With a nor'easter bearing down on New England this morning, I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with a short listing of rainy weekend party ideas. So here goes:

• Should your basement flood due to excessive amounts of rain, host a pool party. Beach balls, inner tubes, and even that inflatable mattress all make for a great subterranean beach party.
  
  
• If the lights happen to go out, why not hold a séance? Light some candles, break out that Ouija Board (if you don't have a Ouija Board - a magnifying glass and the phonebook will work just as well), and wrap your head in some form of scarf for a gypsy-style conversation with your late uncle Sergio.
  
  
• After the hail has stopped falling, why not practice your snowball pitching for this winter? Tossing the little frozen pellets around the yard is a great way to train that arm before the snow flies.
  
  
• Hurricane force wind gusts give children a great opportunity to relive a bit of history. A kite, a key, and some strong wind allow every child to pretend to be Ben Franklin or... a lightening strike victim, at the very least.
  
  
• And don't forget, a rainy weekend is a great time to catch up on your favorite blog(s). So gather the family around the computer and have some fun.

And now that you have a few new ideas for rainy weekend parties, why not invite some friends over and enjoy the storm?

The Blizzard Party Pack

This morning I awoke to find the earth iced in a rather thick layer of glistening frost. And though I found the sight quite beautiful, it did get me thinking about the coming winter – a thought that can send a shiver up the spine and a frostbitten-like numbness through the extremities of even the most die hard of winter sports fans.

If you've never lived through a Northern Maine winter, allow me to give you a visual. One winter, a few years ago, we got so much snow that you could literally walk up one snowbank, step onto the roof of the house, and walk over the top of the house, before lightly stepping back down onto the snowbank on the other side. And when I was in high school, we didn't just have storm days, we also had cold days – days when it was simply too chilly for students to be walking to school, much less sitting in drafty science labs, hovering over lit bunsen burners for warmth.

But before I begin to sound like one of those old men who had the great misfortune of living in a perpetually inclined world of waist-deep snow and bone chilling temperatures, allow me to get on with today's blog topic – stocking up for winter entertaining. You see, here in Northern Maine (as in most other northern states) one must always plan ahead for the coming winter. After all, you never know when a blizzard might come your way, leaving you buried in a couple feet of snow. Nor do you know how long it will take to tunnel your way back out of the snow-laden house after the storm passes. So you must always have a store of food to sustain you and your family should the weather turn ugly.

Furthermore, since most blizzards will leave you stuck inside with nothing to do, why not host a little impromptu dinner party? Below you will find a brief listing of must-have products necessary to successfully host any blizzard party.

• Purchase several heavyweight tablecloths in various colors. Not only will they protect your table from spills and the like, but they can also double as warm blankets should the heat go out.
  
  
• Plant some decorative flowers or other plants in gardens pots and distribute them throughout the house. Not only will they make beautiful centerpieces on your blizzard party dinner table, but they are also a valuable source of oxygen should you get completely snowed in.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• To entertain the children, purchase a snow-cone making kit with various flavored syrups. Just be certain to avoid any yellow-colored syrups such as lemon or banana. I think discouraging your children from eating yellow snow is best for everyone.
  
  
• And since most children are conceived during the boring winter months (let's face it, there isn't much else to do) be certain to stock up on chocolates, bubble bath, massage oils, and scented candles because one does need a bit of romance, after all.

And now that you know the basics of blizzard entertaining, be sure to stock up on the necessities the next time you go to the store. After all, you never know when you'll be called on to host that next wintery bash.

The Nasty Bits

So I was working on a recipe for a rather delicious Oyster and Roasted Corn Chowder the other day, when I had the thought – who was the first person to eat an oyster? I mean, really? Who cracked open that first shell, looked at that snot-like blob of mollusk and said, “This looks wonderful. Let me now put this in my mouth.”

Of course, I assume the answer dates back to prehistoric times with some starving Neanderthal named Unk A. Unk bashing the things between two rocks for a much-needed meal. But still... It also kind of makes you wonder who first dreamed up Haggis (a sort of heart, liver, and lung casserole boiled in a sheep's stomach), Prairie Oysters (that's deep-fried bull testicles), and Casu Marzu (a maggot-filled cheese from Sardinia).

But then again, I suppose the old adage – waste not, want not – does come into play in this matter. And that's particularly true in difficult economic times such as these. I wonder if Americans would be interested in a cookbook that returns them to their prehistoric roots? A sort of guide to the nasty bits and barely edible pieces of the food they normally eat. It could have recipes like Braised Mystery Rodent, Snail Shell Broth, and Turkey Surprise (the surprise of course being that it's not turkey). In fact, that leads to a rather fun title, I should say - I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken by Nathan Scott.

It sounds like an idea to me (not necessarily a good one, but an idea all the same). Now, all I need is a skilled butcher, a creative photographer, and a pair of die hard taste testers with iron stomachs and steely nerves...

Forget About It, Or Not...

When I was living in Italy, there was this... eccentric fellow who lived a couple of doors down from my tiny apartment on Via dei Macci. He didn't come out of his apartment very often. Which, of course, begs the question – how did I know he was eccentric? Well, when he did come out of his apartment, he wore an aluminum foil helmet, you see. And not to imply that I am in any way qualified to be commenting on personal style or fashion, but my limited knowledge on the subject does tell me that such metallic wrappings are meant only for leftovers, roasting meats, and Lady Gaga.

Some days this eccentric fellow (whom I shall now refer to as Tin Man in the interest of saving time and keystrokes) would wear the aluminum foil helmet under a fedora. Other days he would cover it with the hood of his sweatshirt. And occasionally, he walked through the market proudly showing off his homemade helmet – all the while blinding the stares of curious tourists in the reflected sunlight.

Most people ignored him, either not noticing the aluminum foil poking out from beneath his hood or simply not caring why this man was decorated like a baked potato. But one day I had the great fortune of watching him interact with this curious American couple.

“Sir, what's wit' that hat of y'urs?” The couple asked with a slight southern drawl.

I'd tell you what he said, but unfortunately my weak Italian language skills precluded the possibility of understanding his ranting response. But what I gathered from his skyward hand gestures and hush-hush tone was that the helmet was protecting his brain from aliens, spy satellites, or some form of micrometeorite impact. Whatever the reason, the Tin Man was protecting his mind with aluminum foil, and I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

You see, I've pretty much removed aluminum foil from my kitchen. Sure I occasionally use it to line a baking sheet or wrap a roasting turkey, but most of the time I prefer to use something else. And why is that? A few years ago I read a series of articles that concluded that excessive usage of aluminum foil in cooking may play a part in the development of Alzheimer's Disease. (Please note the emphasis on the word – may.) I don't remember all the details, but it had something to do with the body absorbing aluminum foil over years, and the brain getting gunked up with the stuff – I really don't know. But regardless of the articles' debates, I read somewhere that aluminum foil might make you forget your life, so I reduced my usage of the stuff (better safe, than senile – I always say).

But I suppose, like anything, aluminum foil is a matter for culinary debate. Some will tell you it's harmless. Others will say it'll kill ya. And still more think it is the solution to alien brain waves, telepathic spy satellites, and all those pesky micrometeorites that seem to hit Tin Man's forehead so very often. Unfortunately, I do not have the true answer for you. All I can say is aluminum foil might make you forget, but then again it might not. So I leave it up to you. I'm a resolute believer in – everything in moderation – and yet I can't help but think that an aluminum foil helmet is... too much. But hey... To each their own, right?

Columbus Day Weekend

It has become somewhat expected now that I offer you my entertaining advice for each and every holiday. And with Columbus Day just around the corner, it wouldn't be right for me to end this week of blog postings without giving you a few helpful tips to make this weekend extra special. So here goes:

• In recognition of the Italian Christopher Columbus and his Spanish patron, Isabella I, prepare an eclectic meal of Italian and Spanish cuisine. Nothing says “Happy Columbus Day” quite like big bowls of pasta and paella.
  
  
• If you are one of the many people who hold a particularly negative opinion of Christopher Columbus and/or Columbus Day, then celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving instead. It's on the same day, and let's be serious here – who doesn't like Canada?

• Remember to stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• If you live in a temperate climate, entertain the children with a cardboard boat race. Just be sure to put all the fat kids in the Santa Maria box – that way the race is historically accurate, with the big boat going down first.
  
  
• And remember, Columbus Day is a great time to exchange gifts with those you love. Aside from the customary gifts that Columbus exchanged with the natives (you know - beads, parrots, and the Bubonic Plague), I like to give all my guests cough drops. It's a helpful gift and a gentle reminder that we are about to enter the cold and flu season.

Well, I'm off for a long weekend. I hope you enjoy your Columbus Day, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday.

Back to the Drawing Board

Yeah, so I Googled it – someone already invented the pie scissors. And it turns out the world wasn't ready for them like I had thought... Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

Now, a pair of cake scissors... That might work!

Pie Cutting

I must admit, it has already been a bit of a long week for me, but I'll spare you the agony of hearing all the details. Let me just say, it is best to avoid starting an argument with an eggplant whenever possible. (I still have no clue how, but I think I lost that argument...)

All the verbal vegetable abuse aside, I think today I would like to rant about a silly kitchen gadget. You see, after my little spat with that purple potato-wannabe (the eggplant), I went online to do some research and cool down. And that is when a popup came on my computer screen and recommended that I purchase a pair of “pizza scissors.” Yeah... “pizza scissors.” Now, I mean no offense to whomever invented this... unique kitchen gadget. (I really rather like to think of myself as a fair and polite person, who makes fun of everyone equally.) But pizza scissors? Really?

If you haven't seen this particular kitchen gadget – it looks like a wedge-shaped spatula with a pair of scissors strapped to the side. Presumably, it operates by sliding the spatula under the pizza and using the scissors to cut through the crust. It seems reasonable enough. Or at the very least, it seems reasonable until you consider the other possible ways that one could cut a pizza into wedges – namely, a pizza wheel, a large knife, and even a pair of normal scissors (be they strapped to a spatula or otherwise).

But this idea for the “pizza scissors” got me thinking - I've never really had trouble cutting a pizza before, but a pie... now that's another story. I have had trouble slicing up a pie and removing the wedges from the plate without making a mess. And I would imagine that I am not alone in that regard. Maybe it is time for the world's first pair of pie scissors! What a fantastic idea!

And so now I set off with two plans in the works. The first plan being how I should develop my great invention – the pie scissors. And the second plan being how to plot my revenge upon the eggplants.

Thank You, Come Again... Later

I assume that if you are reading this blog, you have some interest in cooking and home entertaining. And even if you don't, I think it is at the very least safe to say that you enjoy reading about the trials and tribulations of other people who enjoy home entertaining – a sort of vicarious party-throwing experience with all the fun, and yet none of the cleanup. (Or those are the two reason I would hope you are reading this blog. Otherwise, I'm not entirely sure why you're here. Unless, of course, you are just killing time while that video game loads, that adult video buffers, or that next Windows 7 update downloads. In which case, all I have to say is – Why not throw a party? Depending upon the theme and who you invite, you can certainly play games, make your own adult videos, and keep yourself occupied while that next Windows 7 update downloads. It's win, win!)

But regardless of your opinion on home entertaining (be it positive or otherwise), we all face a similar challenge from time to time – how to tell your guests it is now time to pack up and get out. Let's be honest here, every home entertainer needs his or her quiet time. And we all have our little tricks – setting everyone's coats out in plain sight, hiding the alcohol, flicking the lights on and off until everyone scatters like cockroaches... the list goes on. But today I would like to offer a few new ideas that might help coax those longwinded guests out the door so you can get to bed at a reasonable hour.

• Turn on some slow, mellow music. This will calm your guests down and indicate that the night is winding to a close. Enya, Norah Jones, and even that A Charlie Brown Christmas album will have your guests yawning in no time.
  
  
• Turn off the television. Face it, it's been a long evening – everyone has already said everything they're going to. The TV is probably the only reason they're still sitting on your sofa.
  
  
• Discreetly pick up the glasses and put them in the dishwasher. This is a subtle indication that the bar is now closed and that all the blathering drunks should go elsewhere.
  
  
• “Accidentally” release your pet guinea pig from its cage. Chances are most of your guests will be afraid of such rodents and flee for the exits as it darts under their chairs.
  
  
• And if all else fails, tell that particularly longwinded dinner guest that his/her car is getting towed. Then, lock the door behind him/her as he/she races outside.

And now that you know how to clear a room, feel free to entertain to your heart's content, ending the party when you've had enough.

Louisiana Remoulade Sauce

LOUISIANA REMOULADE SAUCE

I know you're looking at this recipe and saying, “Really, Nathan? A sauce? That's the best recipe you could do this week?” And in my own defense, normally I wouldn't post such a simplistic thing. But seeing as how I adore this sauce – I made three batches of the stuff just this past weekend and drizzled it over everything from rice to ravioli – I thought it was appropriate for today's posting. Unlike its French cousin (which is basically a glorified tartar sauce), Louisiana Remoulade Sauce is filled with a depth of flavor and spiciness that can add loads of flavor and color to a dish. Better still, it is much easier to prepare than a French Remoulade - which requires you to first make a time-consuming, homemade mayonnaise by gradually whisking oil, drop-by-drop, into a bowl of egg yolks. The Louisiana Remoulade Sauce skips that step entirely, often being ketchup- or oil-based, rather than mayonnaise-based. And perhaps best of all, the sauce can be made entirely in the pitcher of a blender providing for fast preparation and easy clean up.

makes about 2 cups

¾ cup vegetable oil

¼ cup ketchup

¼ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice (about 2 lemons)

½ cup (½ of a medium) yellow onion, peeled and diced

¼ cup (½ of a medium) red bell pepper, seeds and ribs removed, diced

6 cloves garlic, peeled and minced

2 tablespoons prepared horseradish (optional)

½ cup scallions, white and light green parts chopped

¼ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped

2 tablespoons Creole mustard

2 teaspoons paprika

1 teaspoon kosher salt

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

¼ teaspoon Cayenne pepper

In the pitcher of a blender, combine the vegetable oil, ketchup, and lemon juice. Pulse to thoroughly mix. Add in the onion, bell pepper, garlic, and horseradish. Process until the mixture forms a smooth purée. Scrape down the sides of the pitcher with a rubber spatula as needed. Add the chopped scallions and parsley, followed by the mustard and paprika, pulsing the machine to thoroughly combine. Season with the salt, black pepper, and Cayenne pepper.

Transfer the Louisiana Remoulade Sauce to a nonreactive container and cover. Store in the refrigerator for up to 1 week. Serve chilled or at room temperature.