The Red Pox

With baseball season getting started here, you may find it exceedingly difficult to turn off that TV and leave your man cave – a condition I've named: Reduced Energy and Dissociation Prompted by Observing Xtreme Amounts of Baseball, or Red Pox: Type AB. (Possible side effects include: irritability, anti-social behavior, loss of appetite, weight gain, loss of muscle mass, loss of voice due to excessive TV yelling, hair loss, flatulence, burping, body part scratching, hot dog breath, dry mouth, beer helmet hair, face painting, loss of shirt, drooling, back fat, couch butt, excessive sweating, heart attack, stroke, coma, or divorce.) So, in the interest of enjoying as much baseball as possible, while avoiding the Red Pox, review the tips I have listed below. Each tip is designed to make the man cave experience the best it possibly can be, while helping you avoid contracting a case of the Red Pox. (And if you are the type that doesn't enjoy the simple pleasures of watching baseball à la man cave, then all I can say is – what's wrong with you?)

• Reduce your stress level by Feng Shui...ing your man cave. Remove all nonessential items from your man cave, including any unnecessary furniture, appliances, vehicles, pets, spouses, and children.
  
  
• To inspire you to keep exercising throughout the baseball season, tack up a poster of your favorite super model.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• Always use the bathroom farthest from the man cave – after four chili dogs, two bowls of nachos, and a pack of beer, you'll thank me for that tip.
  
  
• And remember, baseball is America's favorite pastime. So, be certain to share part of your day with friends and family watching the game. Unless of course, your friends are Yankees fans. In which case, I advice you to sever any and all contact immediately.