I'd Love to, But...

What does a person do when he/she has too many Valentine's Day propositions? How does a person politely decline all the thoughtful invitations with ease and decorum to maintain friendly relationships with all those prospective suitors?

Well, I don't believe I've ever had to do this before. So I do believe the phrase – “the blind leading, the blind” – seems to apply. But here we go:

• Simple state – “No thank you, I'm already seeing someone.” Obvious enough.
  
  
• Jerk your head to the side, as though you are listening for something. Then, claim that you have heard your cellphone ring, and excuse yourself from the conversation as quickly as possible. For the remainder of the week, do whatever is necessary (including ducking behind dumpsters, wearing a large Darth Vader-style helmet, and calling in dead to work) to avoid the prospective suitor.
  
  
• Tell the prospective partner that you cannot make any Valentine's Day plans because you already have plans to wash your dog's hair. Let's be honest, we've all heard the “I'm washing my hair” excuse. But washing your dog's hair? Now that's a new one and might actually sound credible.
  
  
• As soon as she/he asks you out, simply start crying. The prospective partner will feel so awkward and confused that she/he will probably forget about the entire thing.
  
  
• And lastly, if all else fails, respond with a very polite – “I would love to go out with you on Valentine's Day, but my parole officer will have to come along as a chaperone for your protection.”

So if you are cursed with a beautiful face and killer body that makes everyone weak at the knees, I hope this posting helps you politely reject all those adoring fans. And if you're not so “cursed,” allow me to say – beauty fades with age, but a good sense of humor – that's eternal.