Twenty Things to Do With Fruitcake!

Though it may sound rather odd, many members of my family actually enjoy a slice or two of fruitcake during the holidays. It is a taste that few acquire, and yet seems uncommonly common in my family, requiring me to prepare several fruitcakes each and every Christmas. But let's face it, that is a problem that few other home cooks have. And so in the interest of keeping this blog relevant, I will discuss another aspect of all things fruitcake – what to do with those unwanted fruitcakes.

For most American families, fruitcakes have a rather poor reputation for causing chronic holiday humbug-ery (possible side effects include: nausea, upset stomach, constipation, curled nose syndrome, depression, and clinical disappointment). Luckily, there are options for treating this non-life-threatening condition. Below you will find of listing of twenty things to do with those gifted fruitcakes. Simply choose the option that works best for you, and... live life, fruitcake free.

• Donate the fruitcake to a food bank.
• Throw the fruitcake away.
• Feed it to the birds.
• Use as potting soil.
• Attempt to compost the fruitcake (may take between 1 and 5 years).
• Store indefinitely in an Armageddon fallout shelter (if it's the only thing left to eat, you'll eat it).
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who does likes it.
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who doesn't like it.
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who doesn't like you.
• Use the cake as a fragrant paperweight.
• Repurpose the fruitcake as a door jam.
• Use the cake as a hockey puck.
• Mop up spills with a spare fruitcake (it really is the quicker, picker-upper).
• Collect as many fruitcakes as possible to use as bricks in the construction of an outdoor fire pit.
• Use the cake as charcoal in your new outdoor fire pit.
• Stick the cake under the short leg of a chair or table to keep it from rocking.
• Allow the fruitcake to dry out and use as a pumice stone to remove calluses
• Carve into miniature sculptures of The David.
• Place in your car with a note reading: In the event of a submersion, break glass with this.
• Toss the cake in the back of the refrigerator to act as an air fresher for the next year, then regift it to someone you really don't like.