Elephant Sconces and Other Gifts

Has this ever happened to you? It's some other special occasion, and a dear friend excitedly gives you a gift. You open up the beautifully wrapped package, look inside, and with all the composure and honesty of a politician you graciously thank your friend for the... creatively hand-painted, elephant-shaped, ceramic wall sconce and matching peanut-themed candles... Well if this has ever happened to you, you might be concerned about what to do with such a... “special” gift. So, today I will offer you some other ideas that should enable you to “use” that gift in a way that is both considerate of your friend's feelings and yet ironically fitting for such a hideous present.

• If the gift is mainly ornamental in nature, proudly display it in the bathroom (preferably a bathroom you don't use very often, if that's an option). Your friend will assume that his/her present has been given a place of honor next to your throne, while you'll know that it's actually in the crapper because it's a piece of...
  
  
• If the gift is seasonal in nature, display it somewhere in the house for that first year, and then pack it away in the basement with the rest of your seasonal ornaments. Then, sometime next summer after a particularly bad rain storm, hose down the basement, invite your friend over to help clean up after the “flood,” and “disappointedly” tell your friend that his/her gift was unfortunately damaged during the great basement flood of 2012.
  
  
• If the gift is particularly fragile, purchase a very tippy pedestal to precariously perch the gift upon. Then, give your children some hockey sticks, some soccer balls, or even a greased up piglet and let nature take it's course...
  
  
• And if all else fails, do what you did in grade school – hide it under the sofa and tell your friend “the dog ate it.”