The Constipated Conversation

Whether you're a die hard entertainer from L.A., or a reclusive hobbit living on Walden Pond, we've all faced a similar challenge – how to break an awkward silence. No matter how much you plan your dinner party, despite how diverse your guest list is, and regardless of how many offbeat conversation pieces you cram into the room (and I'm talking glittered Persian garden gnomes and bejeweled Three Stooges salt and pepper shakers, sort of offbeat), you can safely bet that at some point during the evening, the conversation will die. It's a problem that I've nicknamed – the constipated conversation - everyone wants to chat, but for some reason, nothing is coming out.

And regardless of how or why the conversation fizzled out (be it from boredom, apathy, or your cousin Robert's awkwardly passionate diatribe against the apparently false advertising of the 2000 Flushes company), as the host or hostess, it is up to you to overcome any unexpected conversation stoppers and get people chatting again. So I've drafted a short listing of possible solutions for this common dinner time problem. You will find it below. But before you read on, let me just remind you – constipated conversation is a non-life threatening condition. So no matter how bad the conversational faux pas, you can breathe some life back into the party.

• Play psychologist, by going around the table and asking everyone how they feel about the awkward silence. Then, diagnose them all with humorous phobias, such as Arachibutyrophobia or the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth.
  
  
• Put a couple of drops of Tabasco in a wine bottle and pour everyone a fresh glass. Your guests will note the added spice and either do a couple of humorous spit-takes or engage in a conversation about the wine.
  
  
• Tell your guests that you have proof that two of them are having an affair. Then, sit back and watch the soap opera unfold in front of you.
  
  
• Have a puppy, baby, or other small, furry mammal on standby. Then, when the conversation dies, bring out the small animal and let everyone coo and crow at it. It might not exactly be intelligent conversation, but at least people will once again be making noise.
  
  
• And nothing gets people laughing and talking again like a bit of slapstick humor. So identify the most elderly, feeblest, and confused person sitting at the dinner table, and play an impromptu game of THINK FAST!

And now that you know how to jumpstart any stalled conversation, feel free to invite that awkward cousin, that politically incorrect frat buddy, or even that drunken Mel Gibson to your next party. And take pride in knowing that no matter how badly they botch things up, you'll still be able to get people talking again.