How Not to Party

With the holidays over you might be thinking – man, I don't want to throw another dinner party as long as I live. Let's be honest here, after a month of embarrassing office parties, stressful family dinners, and listening to Uncle Larry tell you about his recent trip to the proctologist over a plate of chocolate fudge, it's easy to understand how anyone would develop a temporary aversion to social situations. In fact, I think it is only natural that one would experience a bit of entertaining burnout at this time of year. And with that said, I propose that today we discuss how to get out of hosting that upcoming birthday bash, that January wedding reception, and that wintery bar mitzvah. Today, I'm going to tell you how to not be the cordial host.

First off, take down the holiday decorations as quickly as possible. I know it is a chore, but you never want someone to walk into your house and say – look at all these great decorations; we should have the birthday here! So yes, take the decorations down now and hide them away so nobody gets any big ideas. Or better yet, pile the boxes of decorations in the middle of the living room so people assume that you're moving away and not able to host the party.

Second, the best defense is a good offense. That means, if it looks like there is a party coming up soon, and people are leaning toward throwing it at your house, be proactive and volunteer someone else's house instead. They'll do it to you if you give them the opportunity, so don't feel guilty about it – this is war.

And third, nobody likes going to a party hosted by a crazy person. So if you can't get out of hosting the party, use all your creativity and... well... craziness, to convince everyone that you would not make a good host for this party. (Sure that might make people a little leery about attending any of your future dinner parties, but you can always do damage control later on.) So string up some Halloween bats and spiders, let the dog(s) eat at the dinner table, and convert that broken toilet into a marigold-filled lawn ornament.

And if despite your best efforts, you still end up hosting that baby shower, that bridal shower, or that funeral, remind yourself that entertaining can be fun. And then pour yourself that second glass of wine.