Excuse Me, I Need to...

Have you ever been a guest in someone's house before and learned something so... disturbing, that you just wanted to leave immediately? I would imagine we've all been in that situation before. And whether it was in college when you learned that your RA had a turkey baster under her pillow, or at your cousin's wedding when you found out that the bride was actually a hamster named Barry, we have all had moments in our lives when we needed an excuse to leave, and leave fast.

And so today I'll provide you with a short list of possible excuses. Of course, it always depends upon your situation. But if you just need a way out, one of these options should work in a pinch.

• Go into the corner of the room by yourself and have a heated argument with your phone. Everyone will assume that someone is on the other end of the line, giving you bad news. You can then simply say “I have to leave now,” and run out the door.
  
  
• Creeping out the host also works. Whatever the host does, do it ten times worse until he/she asks you to leave. For example, suppose the host weirded all the guests out with an awkwardly informative ostrich mating dance demonstration. Well then, why not teach everyone the mating practices of the Argentinian Lake Duck? Let's just say – the male ducks use a certain... appendage like a lasso.
  
  
• Food allergies are also a good excuse. Simply sniff the air, ask if that smell is walnuts, and then apologetically tell your host that you are deathly allergic to walnuts and must leave immediately.
  
  
• You can also pour yourself another alcoholic beverage, sit down on the sofa, and turn on the TV. Sure this one doesn't actually help you leave the house, but it does provide for a certain measure of escape from the craziness that surrounds you.
  
  
• And if all else fails – find someone who is as creeped out as you. Kick that person as hard as you can in the shin. And then, tell your host/hostess that you have to go get the injury x-rayed at the hospital across town. Then, you can go to the corner drugstore, pick up an ice pack for the injured shin, and head your separate ways.

And now that you know how to get out of even the most awkward of situation, feel free to attend any party you want. And be confident in knowing that no matter how weird or embarrassing your host/hostess may turn out to be, you always have a polite way to run away.