Anuptaphobia

With Valentine's Day just one month away, some of you may begin experiencing a mild to moderate case of Anuptaphobia, or the fear of staying single forever. (Possible side effects include: irritability, anxiety, depression, dry mouth, drooling, bad hair, headache, hives, gastrointestinal distress, deja vu, waxy discharge from ears, weight gain, loss of appetite, entropy, inbreeding, loss of balance, alcoholism, the munchies, brown nose, excessive flatulence, profuse sweating, hot flashes, flashbacks, deja vu, funk, jaundice, and death.) It is a common phobia that afflicts millions of Americans each year – especially around February 14^th. And it has been linked to an increased risk of antisocial behavior, excessive flirtation, and the texting of embarrassingly inappropriate cellphone pictures to single coworkers, old high school flames, and ringless taxi driver who may or may not speak English...

Well anyway, sufferers of Anuptaphobia need a date, and they need one now. And so today I shall offer a few tips and techniques that any anuptaphobic can employ to find that special valentine.

• Get out of the office. Let's be honest here, if Cheryl in accounting were ever going to go out with you, she would have said so last week when you asked her out for the fifteenth time. Get out of the office and meet some new people! Besides, even if Cheryl from accounting were to eventually say yes, that would just means your girlfriend would be working with you. She'll would be there every day, reminding you to: empty your office trash, tuck in your shirt, and wash your hands after going to the bathroom. And who wants that?
  
  
• Skip the gym. Sure you might meet Gary the Adonis with the arms and the abs, but let's be serious here. Gary spends his days in a gym watching his own biceps flex in a mirror. And if you expect to go out on a date with him, you'll probably need to be either a bikini model or of the same gender.
  
  
• Dress for success. If you're a man wearing ripped jeans, a gold chain, and a bandana you're either the bad boy in a boy band or permanently single. If you're a woman wearing a wind suit, hoop earrings, and a visor you're either an 82-year-old bingo champion or un-dateable. Suffice it to say, when it comes to dressing to attract that mate, there is nothing wrong with simple and conservative.
  
  
• Don't forget about chivalry. You'd be surprised how many first dates start with someone holding a door for someone else. (And ladies, remember chivalry can work both ways – why not buy him the first drink?)
  
  
• People like food. The way to a person's heart is through his/her stomach – ask anyone and they will tell you that (well... except maybe a heart surgeon). So offer your perspective partner a free dinner out at a nice restaurant. Or better yet, prepare your own dinner-for-two and wow her/him with your culinary prowess. Just remember to chew with your mouth closed, use the napkin, and never order the chili, baked beans, or cabbage.

So those are my tips for overcoming this year's case of Anuptaphobia and finding that Valentine's Day date. I wish you good luck. And I remind you that Valentine's Day actually commemorates the death of a martyred Roman saint, and really doesn't have any romantic connotations. So the requisite date seems rather superfluous.