The Turkey Drop and Other Dinner Disasters

As I am planning on being out of town for the remainder of this holiday week, I thought I would cover perhaps the most important Thanksgiving topic of all – the turkey. But don't worry, I'm not going to inundate you with useful tips on how to prepare the perfect roast turkey. Let's be honest here – everyone in the country who writes even the littlest bit about food and home entertaining will be covering that topic to exhaustion this week. No, I'm going to be telling you what to do when disaster strikes - what to do when, despite your best efforts, the turkey fails. So here goes.

Perhaps the classic Thanksgiving Day mistake is forgetting to thaw the frozen turkey. We've all done it – the night before Thanksgiving you wake up in a cold sweat shrieking, “I forgot to take the turkey out of the freezer!” Then, you run into the kitchen and plop the 20-pound poultry ice cube in the sink hoping it will thaw by morning (and somehow miraculously be free of disease causing pathogens after a night at room temperature).

Well, fortunately there is a faster and safer way to thaw that turkey. Submerge the turkey in a tub of cold water (water between 32°F and 40°F), and allow it to set and thaw. Change the water often (if you're doing this the night before Thanksgiving, you'll probably be foregoing sleep in the interest of thawing your turkey), and depending upon the size of the bird, it should thaw between 5 and 10 hours. Of course you can also thaw the turkey in the microwave in an even shorter amount of time – assuming it fits in your microwave. Or you can leave the frozen bird in the freezer for Christmas, and run to the store first thing in the morning and purchase a ridiculously overpriced, last-minute fresh turkey.

Another Thanksgiving Day turkey problem experienced by so many is the overcooked or burnt bird. Now the solution to an overcooked or dry turkey is simple – more gravy. But when it comes to a burnt bird a person must be a bit more creative. Of course you can always reseason the entire turkey with a cajun spice mix and some vegetable oil, pop it back into the oven to burn all over, and rename it Blackened Turkey - but that's hardly Normal Rockwell's ideal Thanksgiving Day centerpiece. In fact, most dinner guests will be left rather disappointed by the brûléed bird. So I suggest discarding the burnt skin from the bird altogether. Then, you can smear the meat with some of that browning sauce they use to make fake gravy. This will give the bird the appearance of having a beautifully browned skin (it's rather like giving your turkey one of those spray-on sunless tans that are so popular these days). Finally, you can carve up the bird in the kitchen, present it on a pretty serving platter, and nobody will be the wiser.

And with so many people running in and out of the kitchen, not to mention the abundance of food being popped in and out of the oven all day, it seems that spills are quite inevitable. And what does one do when he or she drops the turkey? Well, the solution once again is quite simple – cry. If you burst into tears all your dinner guests will feel rather obligated to honor the 5 second rule (which in the case of a searing hot 20-pound turkey could easily turn into the 5 minutes rule), and they will eat the turkey despite its brief trip to the floor just to make you stop crying.

So there are a few basic tips to help this Thanksgiving when disaster strikes. I'll be back on Monday. Until then have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!