Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome

Regardless of your levels of political correctness, diplomacy, and sensitivity, we all at one point or another find ourselves with a most regrettable case of Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome. Side effects of Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome (FMS) include: stammering, stuttering, headache, blurred vision, profuse sweating, nervous giggling, uncontrollable pants wetting, and social death. And despite the circumstances surrounding your spontaneous lapse in conversational etiquette (be it comparing your future mother-in-law's new hairstyle to that of a waterlogged squirrel, or laughing hysterically at your surprisingly petite fitness trainer in the gym shower), perhaps the best course of action to take is to offer a genuine apology and leave.

Yet for some people with particularly severe cases of FMS, an apology sometimes isn't quite good enough. And if that's the case for you, I'm sure you will find today's posting of helpful tips to be of particular use. Below you will find five other techniques that can be used in conjunction with the requisite “Sorry, I should go.” Of course, each conversational faux pas is different, so feel free to tailor these tips to meet your needs.

• Level the playing field by encouraging those that you have offended to poke fun at your own infirmities. Tugging at your unusually large ears, replaying that Dear John voicemail from your last therapist, or digging out your prescription for Viagra are all subtle indications that you're not perfect either, and can be easily made into the butt of a few jokes.
  
  
• Attempt to turn your conversational mistake into a joke by forcing a laugh and shouting out, “J/K!” Of course this one rarely works, but that doesn't stop most adolescence from using it time and time again.
  
  
• Get into the fetal position. This is a particularly useful tip if the offended party is comprised of hostile people who are much stronger and/or faster than you.
  
  
• If you are particularly susceptible to contracting a severe case of FMS, keep your mouth full of food throughout the entire dinner party. That way, nobody will understand what you're talking about, nor become offended when you say something inappropriate.
  
  
• And, of course, if all else fails: Point at something over their shoulder. Shout out, “Hey look at that!” Then, run away as fast as you can the moment they turn around to look.

And now that you know the treatment options for your FMS, get out there and start talking. Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome: Live Life, Faux Pas Free.