Thursday, March 31, 2011

April Fool's!

Looking for a fun April Fool's Day joke to play on your family/friends/coworkers? Well, look no further. Below I have compiled a list of some of my favorite April Fool's Day jokes. Of course, you know your family's/friends'/coworkers' sense of humor, so only choose jokes that he/she/they will find amusing (unless of course you don't like him/her/them – in which case, feel free to go crazy). But I think this list is a good start to a day of playful pranking.

  • Dip the other person's pens, pencils, etc. in clear nail polish. This will temporarily stop all the writing utensils from working.

  • Wrap everything in clear plastic wrap – the dresser drawers... the kitchen cabinets... the shower... EVERYTHING. Then, sit back and watch as your victim attempt to break his/her way through the seal to get at his/her socks, spoons, shampoo, and the like.

  • Do a Google Images search for “butt pimples.” Then, take those photos and make them your coworkers' new desktop background images (password protected background images, of course).

  • Does your office have a conference calling system? If so, call two coworkers using the conference call setting, and then hang up just as they answer. Both victims will assume the other one called and never know it was you.

  • And finally, place your victim's underwear in the freezer while he/she is in the shower. Aw... nothing like a cold pair of underwear to make you feel alive in the morning. (And for a really mean trick, mist the underwear with water before freezing – that way the underwear freezes flat.)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dinner at My Place, Part II?

After writing yesterday's blog posting, I realized that I didn't cover the topic of what foods/drinks you should be serving your special guest during your first “dinner at my place.” And so now, I present Dinner at My Place, Part II: The Search for More Lovin'.

First, choose a simple menu – something you know that you can prepare and prepare well. It is much better to wow your guest with a prize-winning pot roast than to disappoint with a limp souffle. Furthermore, most foods that you are not familiar with will probably wreak havoc on your digestive tract. And nobody wants to spend that first date in the bathroom suffering the consequences of curry.

Second, invite your special guest to bring the wine. Not only will most dinner guests appreciate contributing to the meal in some manner, but a straight-from-the-store, never-before-opened bottle of wine insures that nobody is slipping anyone a pre-dinner roofie.

And third, never serve too much food. Aside from the fact that most dates will probably look at a tableful of food and think, “Wow, she/he must think I'm the world's biggest fatty,” eating too much food will send you both straight into a post-dinner food coma. And who really wants to end that first dinner date sitting on the sofa, watching Letterman, and clenching every muscle for fear of letting a bit of gas pass?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dinner at My Place?

So, you've met someone special now, huh? You've had the innocent cup of coffee, the polite lunch, and the intimate dinner for two. You've perhaps gone to see a couple of sappy chick-flicks, shared a sundae, and maybe even gone dancing. And now you're ready for the “dinner at my place.” Granted, this can be a stressful situation for anyone (regardless of culinary ability and housekeeping habits), but there are a few steps that you can take to reduce the level of stress and hopefully get the night started off right.

First, don't overdo it with the cleaning. Sure, you want the house to look tidy when your special friend arrives, but let's be honest here, nobody expects your home to smell like a fresh mountain stream, bed of roses, or gigantic lemon-sprouting pine tree. So, dust off the knickknacks, sweep the floor, and scrub the toilet – do what you need to, to make the place look presentable, and then forget about the rest. Face it, if you're so concerned with the crumbs behind the refrigerator, you're going to be far too stressed out to enjoy yourself, and your date will probably assume that you are either desperate, a control freak, or a serial killer attempting to destroy any and all DNA evidence.

Second, assume that your date will probably be poking about the house a bit to learn more about you. I think we've all overheard a date opening the bathroom cabinet before to scrutinize it's contents. So, be proactive – hide whatever you don't want them to find. Antifungal lotions... Star Wars action figures... that jar of foot fuzz that you keep beside your bed for some reason, would all be good things to hide before your date arrives.

And third, start the night off with a joke. Wear a tacky “Kiss the Cook” apron, play some David Hasselhoff music, or post a “Nudist Colony” sign on your front door. Not only will you and your date start the evening off laughing, but such jokes might also help you end the evening smiling.

Monday, March 28, 2011

For Mr. Glug Glug

So the other day, I had a friend ask me, “Nathan Scott (he always refers to me by both names, for some reason), how do I make asparagus alcoholic, but still keep it healthy?” Hmm... Well, I can't say as I've ever had this particular problem come up in my kitchen before. But in the event that others of you out there are so inclined to liquor up your leafy greens, I have come up with a few recipe ideas that I will share with you now.

Of course, allow me to preface this list of ideas with the same fair warning that I gave my friend (whom shall hence forth be called Mr. Glug Glug – in the interest of protecting the innocent). None of these recipe ideas have ever been attempted in my kitchen, and therefore may end up tasting terrible. And furthermore, asparagus is a food known to be a “wine killer,” often creating a terrible aftertaste in the mouth when paired incorrectly with wine.

So, with all that said, here is my list of alcoholic vegetable ideas. Happy drinking!

  • Steam the asparagus until it's just tender, and then insert it into a Bloody Mary in lieu of the more traditional celery stick.

  • Pickle the asparagus in a mixture of pickling spice, vodka, and gin.

  • Make an asparagus consomme, and then melt in some gelatin and splash with chilled vodka for a savory version of Jell-O shots.

  • Freeze the asparagus into the center of some ice cubes and make yourself a... well... make yourself anything on the rocks.

  • And if those recipe ideas don't sound appealing to you - prepare the asparagus however you like, eat it, and then make yourself a cocktail for dessert.

And there you have it - my ideas for healthy, alcoholic asparagus. I hope that helps Mr. Glug Glug.  

Friday, March 25, 2011

Poutine

POUTINE

Poutine is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. French fries smothered in gravy and cheese? What could be better? And today I'll be sharing with you my recipe for Poutine, that actually uses baked French fries for a healthier alternative to this delicious dish.

Serves 4, as a side dish

2
pounds Russet potatoes, scrubbed, cut into ½-inch fries, and patted dry
2
tablespoons vegetable oil

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1
medium yellow onion, peeled and finely chopped
1
medium carrot, peeled and finely chopped
1
stalk celery, finely chopped
3
cloves garlic, peeled and minced
2
tablespoons all-purpose flour
1
quart homemade beef stock, or low-sodium canned beef broth
1
sprig fresh thyme
1
bay leaf
6
ounces fresh cheese curds

Preheat the oven to 400ºF. On a parchment-lined baking sheet, toss the potatoes with 1 tablespoon of oil. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Roast the potatoes in the preheated oven until golden, about 45 minutes. Then, toss the potatoes and continue to roast until crispy, about 15 minutes more. Remove and set aside to cool slightly.

Meanwhile, in a saucepan set over medium-high heat, cook the onion, carrot, and celery in the remaining 1 tablespoon of oil until the onion is translucent, 4 to 6 minutes. Stir in the garlic and flour, and cook for an additional minute. Whisk in the stock. Then, toss in the thyme and bay. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the gravy has reduced by half and become thick. Season to taste with salt and black pepper.

If desired, strain the gravy through a fine-mesh sieve and discard the solids. Pour the gravy over the fries and sprinkle with the cheese curds. Serve immediately.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

From Roaches to Riches

Did you ever wonder about the first person who ate a lobster? Don't get me wrong – I love lobster. But who was the first person to look at a lobster (something that is in effect a giant sea cockroach with massive claws) and say “I'm going to put this in my mouth?” I suppose that's a question that could also be applied to a number of other foods – oysters, sea urchins, SPAM. And I also suppose that the answer is always the same – hunger drives a man to eat just about anything. (Well... except for the SPAM, maybe.)

But what does amaze me is how lobster went from a dirty sea cockroach to a luxury food. Talk about changing a product's image. There was a time that it was considered cruel and unusual punishment to feed prison inmates lobster more than once a week. And now it's considered a final meal standby on death row.

I wonder if such an image change could also be applied to other seemingly low-quality foods. Who knows, perhaps one day we'll all be getting dressed up in our Sunday finest to sample top chef's reinterpretations of vampire bat and gopher liver. And though I do consider myself to be an adventurous eater, I have to admit – I hope that day is a long way off.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Spring Cleaning 101

With the start of spring, many of us have plans to get outside and enjoy the warmer weather. And yet, in the back of our minds each of us hears our mother's voice saying “It's time to clean the house.” And though I despair at the thought that springtime has become inseparably linked to the idea of housework, I do feel obligated to air out the winter musk and Lysol until I'm lightheaded.

But I suppose that spring cleaning doesn't have to be all that bad. There are ways to make it a rather enjoyable task. For example, why not get together with your friends and host a series of spring cleaning parties? One weekend, all your friends could stop by with their mops, brooms, and other cleaning paraphernalia, and together you scrub the house until it shines. Of course, you would then be obligated to assist them in their spring cleaning. But I think you'd be surprised how much fun carpet shampooing, window washing, and toilet scrubbing can be when your surrounded by laughing friends, eating good food, and drinking glass after glass of chardonnay.

And if you are not comfortable with your friends being in your house when it is not at its most spotless (or if you have some embarrassing secret to hide from them – a room devoted to Mighty Morphin Power Ranger action figures, a booty of shoplifted mannequins, or a life size replica of the USS Enterprise bridge), there are certainly other ways to make spring cleaning fun. For example, dusting the house with a leaf blower is not only effective, but lot's of fun. And a generous smear of peanut butter across the floor will not only make your house smell like peanut butter cookies, but also get your pets involved in the cleaning process; your dog(s) will get a tasty treat, and your floors will get licked clean. It's win, win!

So in conclusion, I wish you good luck with this year's spring cleaning. It's not exactly the most glamorous job, but with enough wine and creative thought – it sure can be a funny one.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Happy Birthday! Card

If you're like me, you try and send a birthday card to the special people in your life whenever you can (or at least – whenever you remember to). But, one of the greatest challenges of sending a birthday card is determining what to write on the inside. Sure you can simply write “Happy Birthday” and sign your name, but that's not very personal, now is it? So if you're looking for something special to say, but haven't a clue what that is - try one of the inscriptions I have provided below. They're short. They're to the point. And with any luck, they should make the birthday boy/girl chuckle a little bit before diving into that bowl of chocolate cake and ice cream, while crying about how old looking he/she has become.

  • You remind me of a good bottle of wine – kind of old... kind of dusty... rather full-bodied... and most importantly you're getting better with age. Happy Birthday!

  • You know, I really didn't like you when we first met. But now that you're a full year older than me and getting some crows feet around your eyes – you're my new wingman! Happy Birthday!

  • Didn't I see you on a milk carton once? Yeah, I'm positive I did. It showed a picture of you and said something like “Best if Used by: December 11, 1994.” Happy Birthday!

  • Don't worry about your age. Both the fire department and EMTs are on standby just in case all those birthday candles get out of control. Happy Birthday!

  • How's 32 years old sound to you? Good? Good. I'll keep your secret if you keep mine. Happy Birthday!

Monday, March 21, 2011

It's Spring... Kinda.

Well, it's spring. Which, unfortunately in Northern Maine means we'll probably be shoveling snow for another month. But, at least we can look forward to some more sunshine and perhaps a day or two that is above the freezing mark. If, however, you are like me and hoping that spring comes a bit earlier this year, there are a few things that you can do to help move the season on.

First, take a day or two off from work and snow blow not just the driveway, but the entire lawn. It's amazing how good you will feel when you look out your window and can't find a snowbank anywhere in sight. Of course, this tip does come with its challenges. Namely, what is a person to do with all that excess snow? And though I'm not suggesting that you intentionally blow all the snow into your neighbor's backyard. I really don't know what a person is to do if the wind is simply blowing in that direction.

Second, get yourself some robins. Of course, I don't expect you to just stop by the local pet store and pick up a flock of the red-breasted birds. But you know, with a little red paint and an airbrush... those backyard chickadees, finches, and squirrels can be made to look robin-y soon enough.

And third, put a cork in those full-bodied red wines that you drink all winter long. And break open a few bottles of a nice, crisp, light white wine. It's spring – a time for white wine. And after enough of the stuff, you'll almost be able to forget that you're sitting in a lawn chair in your snow blown backyard attempting to get a subzero suntan through your parka.

Happy spring everyone!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Post-Patty's Day

Congratulations on surviving St. Patrick's Day! And assuming, of course, that you did celebrate this most jovial of holidays with great gusto and thirst, I think it is safe to say that today you might be feeling a bit under-the-weather. And whether it is a pounding hangover headache or a corned beef-induced case of cramps, I have a few tips to help get you through this workday, so that you can get on with your weekend.

First, a nice long shower is an important part of any morning-after routine. In the case of St. Patrick's Day, you'll need to wash off the smell of beer, cabbage, and sweaty leprechauns before heading out to work. (Not to mention the green face paint, glitter, and lipstick that somehow found its way onto your face during the night – a makeup situation that probably makes you look somewhat like an effeminate Hulk, let's be honest here.)

And don't forget to brush your teeth after your shower. Aside from the fact that nobody enjoys corned beef breath, all that green beer has probably given those pearly whites a nice patina.

Second, if you have no qualms about drinking in the morning (I see no reason why you should – after last night, this is really no time to start feigning prudishness.), why not fix yourself a Blood Mary? A touch more alcohol and that headache is sure to go away. And if you're still feeling in a festive mood, why not make the drink with spinach or wheat grass juice instead of the traditional tomato juice? Not only will it be nutritious, but the green color makes for the perfect post-St. Patty's Day pick-me-up.

Third, take today to reaffirm those New Year's weight-loss resolutions. Get on that treadmill... Go climb that mountain... Do what you have intended to do for months now. Not only will you be accomplishing something you've wanted to do for a while now, but chances are you'll also sweat off some of that excess alcohol. Just be sure to take a shower again after your workout. Otherwise, you'll just go into work smelling like a drunken sumo wrestler.

And lastly, if all else fails, do as the Irish do (or at least as I've heard they do) – ask a friend to bury you neck-deep in moist river sand. I have no idea what this does for your hangover, but I did once meet a man from Kilmaine that swore by it. Of course, he also said that a good Irish sand scrub could cure any ailment – from bunions to bronchitis. Which does bring into question his credibility...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Steak and Guinness Pie

STEAK AND GUINNESS PIE

If you're looking for something to serve this St. Patrick's Day, look no further than my Steak and Guinness Pie. It's simple, delicious, and very traditional – using a bottle of everyone's favorite Irish beer – Guinness.

Serves 6 to 8

¼
cup all-purpose flour

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
pounds beef chuck, cut into ½-inch cubes and patted dry
2
tablespoons olive oil
1
large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2
medium carrots, peeled and chopped
2
medium parsnips, peeled and chopped
4
stalks celery, chopped
4
cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1
handful fresh herbs, such as thyme, rosemary and bay
1
12-ounce bottle Guinness, or other stout beer
1
pound new potatoes, scrubbed and cut in half
1
15-ounce can diced tomatoes in juice
2
cups homemade beef stock, or low-sodium canned beef broth
1
sheet (½ of a 17.3-ounce package) frozen puff pastry, thawed
1
large egg, lightly beaten with 1 tablespoon water

  1. Season the flour with salt and pepper. Dredge half of the beef in the seasoned flour, coating lightly on all sides. In a large stockpot, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil until hot, but not smoking. Add the dredged beef and sear, turning occasionally, until well browned on all sides. Remove the beef and set aside. Repeat this step with the remaining beef.
  1. Reduce the heat to medium and add the onions, carrots, parsnips, celery, garlic, and herbs to the pot. Cook, stirring often, until the onions are translucent, 5 to 8 minutes. Pour in the Guinness and deglaze the pan, scraping up any bits that are stuck to the bottom. Add the potatoes, tomatoes, stock, and beef. Simmer, stirring occasionally, until the beef is tender, 1 to 1½ hours. If needed, add water to keep the vegetables covered. Season to taste.

  2. Preheat the oven to 425ºF. Pour the stew into a 2-quart baking dish and top with the sheet of puff pastry. Brush the puff pastry with the egg wash mixture and bake in the preheated oven until golden brown, 9 to 12 minutes. Remove and cool slightly before serving.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

St. Patrick's Day 101

With St. Patrick's Day just around the corner, I thought that today I would provide you with a few key tips to make this holiday special. So, here we go:

  • Dress for success. If you enjoy wearing green on St. Patty's Day – wear as much of it as you can. Let's be honest, after the festivities commence, nobody is going to care that your lime green socks clash with your olive green scarf, hunter green shirt, and puke green beer helmet. And if you do not enjoy wearing green on St. Patty's Day (or simply haven't done laundry in a while), go out and purchase one of those white t-shirts that reads “Kisses, not pinches,” and enjoy the perks – or should I say pecks – of not wearing green.

  • Use digression when dying foods with green food coloring. A chocolate cake is beautiful when iced in a thick layer of mint-green frosting. While a similarly colored biscuit, soda bread, or scone simply looks moldy.

  • Don't forget to stock up on green beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.

  • Stay away from the stout floats. Sure, a pint of Guinness topped off with a scoop of vanilla ice cream sounds thoroughly festive. But it's also thoroughly disgusting. And if you think it tastes bad on the way down, just imagine how it will taste on the way back up. (Not that I would be speaking from experience, of course...)

  • And finally, remember that St. Patrick's Day is not just about beer. The Irish are a creative and hardworking people. And there is so much more to the Irish culture than just Guinness. They also make really great whiskey!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The First Date Flub Up

With springtime quickly approaching (hopefully, anyway), more and more people will be getting out of the house and meeting new people. Which means, many of us will soon be going on one or more awkward first date(s). And though I really don't know any good tips to help make that first date any less awkward, I do have a few suggestions that might help, should you put your foot in your mouth and unintentionally compare your date to a drunken donkey, soggy squirrel, or half-baked teenage trombonist.

First, no matter what you said (even if it really is the truth), the moment you put your foot in your mouth – APOLOGIZE. Don't try to explain your point or your line of thought – you'll just be digging yourself in deeper. Let's be honest, your date's laugh probably does sound exactly like a bickering pair of barn owls, but that is not what she/he wants to hear. So apologize and blame it on the brain aneurism that you are now going to pretend you have.

Second, call over the waiter and ask for one of every dessert the restaurant serves. Nothing smoothes over a tense situation more than a slice of cheesecake garnished with a brownie, strawberry shortcake, bread pudding, and an eclair.

Third, try a little self-deprecating humor, and encourage your date to join in on the fun. How can a person stay mad at you after you tell them about the time you drunkenly misplaced your pants and had to walk-of-shame your way across the college great lawn wearing nothing more than a poorly tailored garbage bag? (Not that I would be speaking from experience, of course.)

And if all else fails, try physically putting your foot in your mouth. Your date will either find the bit of physical comedy amusing and start laughing, or be disgusted and immediately leave (effectively ending the already ruined date). And if your date finds the whole foot-in-mouth thing oddly appealing? Well... you should probably leave immediately.

Best of luck.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Jumped Ahead, Yet Dragging Behind

Does the switch to daylight savings time have you down? Have you yet to catch up on that lost hour of sleep? Are you blankly staring at your computer screen right now because it seems far too early to be reading this witty blog entry about the time change? You are? Good – so am I.

Ten Ways to Deal with the Time Change:

  • Move one time zone west.
  • Switch from coffee to Red Bull.
  • Sleep in your swim suit – this doesn't actually do anything to help you adjust to the new time, but it is a subtle reminder that spring is almost here, and that's something to look forward to.
  • Start each morning off with some exercise – chances are you'll still be too sleepy to actually realize you're exercising.
  • Don't start each morning off with some exercise – use the extra time to catch up on sleep.
  • Purchase an inflatable mattress and set it up under your desk – you'd be amazed how much a pre-meeting catnap can do for you.
  • Turn off your lights – the whole idea behind daylight savings is to conserve on energy. So, if DST has you sleeplessly sitting up all night, you might as well at least reap the benefits of a lower electric bill.
  • Enroll as a test subject in an experimental sleep study at your local medical testing lab – maybe their new sleep aid will help... (Side effects may include: dry mouth, drooling, sleep walking, vivid or unusual dreams, spontaneous knuckle growth, hair loss, weight gain, sweaty brow, excess hair growth from ears, nose, and toes, hot flashes, cold chills, numb tongue, genetic mutation, devolution, coma, and/or death.)
  • Try to convince your children that they have traveled through time one hour – again, this one doesn't do much for you, but it sure is entertaining.
  • (Insert Tip #10 here) – I'll finish this later; I'm going back to bed.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Caramel-Peanut Squares

CARAMEL-PEANUT SQUARES

I don't know about you, but I love pairing salty foods with sweet foods. They just seem to complement each other so well. And this recipe for Caramel-Peanut Squares is the perfect sweet and salty dessert that everyone is sure to enjoy.

Makes one 8-by-11-inch pan

cups (2½ sticks) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into small cubes, plus more for the pan
½
cup plus cup granulated sugar
2
cups all-purpose flour
¼
teaspoon kosher salt
1
large egg, lightly beaten
¼
cup honey
2
tablespoons heavy cream
1
teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¼
teaspoon baking soda
8
ounces dry roasted peanuts, lightly salted
½
cup semi-sweet chocolate, melted (optional)
1.  Preheat the oven to 375ºF. Butter an 8-by-11-inch baking pan, and line with a sheet of buttered parchment paper. In a food processor, fitted with the steel blade, combine 1 cup of the butter and cup of the sugar with the flour and salt. Pulse until well combined (the mixture should hold its shape when squeezed together). Add the egg and continue to pulse until the dough is smooth. Press the dough into the prepared pan. Bake in the preheated oven until the dough is set and lightly golden, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove and cool.

2.  Meanwhile, in a saucepan set over medium heat, combine the remaining butter and sugar with the honey. Cook, stirring constantly, until well combined. Then, increase the heat to medium-high and cook, swirling the pan occasionally (don't stir), until the caramel mixture is amber in color, 2 to 3 minutes.

3.  Remove the caramel from the heat. Mix together the heavy cream, vanilla extract, and baking soda, and add to the caramel mixture along with the peanuts. Stir to combine, then pour the caramel and peanut mixture over the cooled crust. Spread the peanuts out into an even layer, and set aside to cool slightly. Drizzle the dessert with the melted chocolate. Allow to cool completely, and then remove from the baking dish and cut into squares. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

National Frozen Foods Month

Did you know that March is National Frozen Foods Month? Well... it is. And I suspect that it is named National Frozen Foods Month because by the time March rolls around, there really isn't any fresh food left to eat. Let's be honest here, most winter squashes, potatoes, and turnips have long since molded. And forget about such things as fresh grapes, raspberries, and blueberries – they all composted months ago. So basically, all the food that is left to eat is either shipped in from Argentina, canned, or frozen (what great choices: sprayed with who-knows-what preservative, doused in salt water/vinegar, or 98% ice).

Is it spring yet?

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be so hard of such preserved foods. After all, someone out there thought it was a good idea to name this National Frozen Foods Month in recognition of frozen fruits, vegetables, and fish sticks everywhere. And that is good enough for me.

So how does one celebrate this month? Well it's quite simple really. Eat as many frozen vegetables as possible! (Or perhaps I should say – “use” as many frozen vegetables as possible. Let's be honest here, I hardly doubt that I am the only man to ever use a bag of frozen peas to ice an unfortunate baseball-to-the-you-know-where injury.) Not only will you be getting your vegetables, but you'll also be cleaning out the freezer. So when summer rolls around and the gardens are in full swing again, you'll have room to store next winter's crop of frozen foods.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

20 Things to Give Up for Lent

Congratulations on surviving Mardi Gras! And as a prize for your good work last night, you may give up one thing for the next 40 days and nights. Yeah... I don't really find that prize very satisfying either... But it is tradition, and I do love a good tradition. So below I've compiled a list of some fun things to give up for Lent. They may seem a little silly at first, but that just adds to the fun. Besides, we've all done the customary abstaining from sweets, alcohol, and swearing for Lent. So why not try something different this year? Who knows, this might just be the year you actually make it the whole way, rather than “forgetting” and gorging yourself on chocolate bars 2 weeks in.

20 Things to Give Up for Lent:

  • Diet soda – it'll probably just give you a stroke anyway.
  • Watching the news – it'll just depress you.
  • Gossip – it's giving you frown lines.
  • Tanning – it's making you look like an Oompa Loomp.
  • Being a coach potato – swim suit season is swiftly approaching, just saying...
  • Online shopping – that credit card could probably use a break.
  • Homework – they scheduled midterms during Mardi Gras! They lost the privilege to assign any more homework.
  • Late nights – you're looking tired.
  • Tea – pretty sure that was the whole point of the Boston Tea Party.
  • Earmuffs – they make you look like Princess Leia.
  • Celibacy – everyone deserves a break once in a while.
  • Work – you complain about it all the time. Why not give it up?
  • Fast food – your arteries will thank you.
  • Housework – spring cleaning is coming up soon anyway.
  • Cheez Whiz – it's not actually cheese.
  • Trashy gossip magazines – read more blogs!
  • Spicy Indian curries – they're wreaking havoc on your GI tract.
  • WWE wrestling – at least watch a real sport.
  • Expensive/difficult to pronounce coffee-based drinks – coffee, black (it's just so much easier to say and afford).
  • SPAM – it doesn't matter if you interpret that to mean the food or the junk email, give them both up.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Mardi Gras 101

Well, it's that time of the year again – a time for fancy costumes, copious amounts of alcohol, artery-cloggingly rich junk foods, and even a little bit of debauchery. It's Mardi Gras! But since most of us will be going back to work tomorrow morning (despite the hangover, heartburn, and humiliation of Fat Tuesday), I propose that today's blog topic be – how to have fun at Mardi Gras and still save face with your coworkers. So before you slap on that festive mask, fill up that beer mug, and lose your shirt, review the tips below and save yourself some embarrassment on Ash Wednesday.

  • Stop by the ATM on the way home from work and withdraw a generous allowance for the evening. Then, go home and freeze your credit, debit, and ATM cards at the very center of an ice block. This tip actually helps in two ways. Freezing the cards in a giant ice block will insure you can't get to them again until the following morning (at the earliest), so you won't be drunkenly digging yourself into a financial hole. And giving yourself a generous allowance to spend on Mardi Gras, insures that you won't run out of money and need to barter for beer with beads, wrist watches, jewelry, shirts, pants, and... well... you get the picture.

  • Throw out any face paint that you might have. Let's be honest here, face painting can easily devolve into body painting. And before you know it, your parading around main street in a bikini that may or may not be made of fabric. (Not that I would know, of course.)

  • Start out with some beads already around your neck. Sure it might seem a little dishonest, but we all know how people “earn” beads at Mardi Gras. And by starting the night out with a few strands already in place, you'll be sure to avoid ending up in an embarrassing YouTube video. And remember anything less than five strands of beads makes you look like a prude, while anything more than ten strands makes you look easy.

  • Plan ahead for the gastrointestinal distress of Mardi Gras foods. Why not make a strand of beads entirely out of chewable antacids? Not only will it look festive, but should the heartburn strike early in the evening, you can simply gnaw off a few tablets and keep right on partying.

  • And finally, carry a camera with you. You never know when you might run into a coworker and be able to snap a few embarrassing photos. Just think of it as an insurance policy, should any embarrassing photos/videos of you surface at the office in the coming week.

I wish you good luck in surviving this year's Mardi Gras. And now that you have a few keys tips, I hope that you will go out and have fun. Oh, and remember – nothing helps save face at the office more than cake. So if you completely embarrass yourself tonight, get up early tomorrow, bake a cake, and take it to work. After a slice or two of devil's food, who is really going to care about that photo of you dressed up as a lewd Spider Man?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Bacon-Buttermilk Waffles

BACON-BUTTERMILK WAFFLES

In my opinion, everything is better with bacon, especially waffles. And today, I'll be sharing with you my recipe for Bacon-Buttermilk Waffles. They are crisp, light, and best of all – loaded with bacon.

Serves 4

cups all-purpose flour
2
tablespoons light brown sugar
2
teaspoons baking powder
1
teaspoon baking soda
½
teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼
teaspoon kosher salt
cups buttermilk
¼
cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, melted, plus more for greasing
2
large eggs, separated
1
teaspoon pure vanilla extract
8
strips bacon, cooked crispy and crumbled

Maple or blueberry syrup, for garnish

Fresh fruit, such as strawberries, blueberries, or raspberries, for garnish

  1. In a mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt until well combined. Set aside. In a separate mixing bowl, whisk together the buttermilk, butter, egg yolks, and vanilla extract. Combine the wet ingredients with the dry, mixing just enough to break up any large lumps of flour. Stir in the bacon and set aside.
  1. In the bowl of an electric mixer, fitted with the whisk attachment, beat the egg whites to stiff peaks. Using a rubber spatula, gently fold the egg whites into the reserved waffle batter, being careful not to overwork or deflate the egg whites.
  1. Preheat the waffle iron and grease with butter, if needed. Following the manufacturer's instructions, cook the waffles in the preheated waffle iron until golden and crispy, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove the finished waffles from the waffle iron and quickly toss the waffles between your hands. This will release excess steam from the waffles and keep them crispy as they set. Continue making waffles with any remaining batter. Serve immediately with syrup and fresh fruit.