Twelve More Days of Christmas

When was the last time someone actually gave you a partridge in a pear tree? I'll be honest, I've never been given such an elaborate gift, nor have I ever considered giving one. It seems rather foolish really. Why would I give someone a tree in the dead of winter? It's not like you can just plant it in the snow and wait for spring. And furthermore, what does a person actually do with the partridge? You could certainly eat it, but that seems like an awful lot of work now doesn't it – all the plucking and roasting? I should think it would be much easier to give a Butterball in a roasting pan than a partridge in a pear tree.

Besides, doesn't the saying go – a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Why am I only getting one partridge in my pear tree? Who is skimping on the partridge here? If one partridge in a pear tree is equal to one-half a partridge in my hand, then I have enough partridge to feed exactly one-half person. (The ol' transitive property of elementary math at work right there.) It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to - digging up a tree, finding a partridge, and combining the two just to feed one-half person.

And what is up with those seven swans a swimming? Do they come with or without the pond? And are cows included with the eight maids a' milking? Suffice it to say, the song could use a little updating. So without further ado, I give you my version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

• 12 purple eggplants
• 11 jars of Pepto
• 10 bucks for pizza
• 9 bulbs of garlic
• 8 ugly neckties
• 7 handmade mittens
• 6 bottles of vodka
• 5 ROLLS OF TP
• 4 calling cards
• 3 French kisses
• 2 chocolate pies
• And a Butterball in a roasting pan.