Wedding Planning, Part XIV

I don't mean to alarm you, but there are A LOT of things that could go wrong during your wedding day. Let's be honest here – a wedding involves many components working together in harmony. And if one of those components happens to fall out of whack, it could cause a cascade reaction with everything (and everyone) coming unglued at the seams.

But don't worry. Most wedding day problems can be easily fixed if caught early enough. And today, I will provide you with a list of items to purchase and keep on hand in the event of a wedding day catastrophe. I call it my wedding day “Oh $#*! Kit.” Use it as necessary to insure that your wedding day goes off without a hitch.

The “Oh $#*! Kit”

• Lots of white ribbon in various widths – nothing covers up stains, splotches, and spittle quite like giant white bows
• A small brown paper bag to breath into and some Valium – should you need to calm down
• Giant cue cards that read “I Do” - in case someone forgets his/her line
• Antihistamines – in the event the bride discovers she's allergic to crab and her face swells up
• Beer, ketchup, and toilet paper – because you never want to run out of beer, ketchup, and toilet paper
• A massaging foot bath and shotgun – in the event someone gets cold feet
• Whiskey – to keep crazy Uncle Larry quiet
• Duct tape and Super Glue – to make things stick
• Butter-Flavored Pam and WD-40 – to make things go
• A greased-up piglet – to keep the children entertained
• A get-away car – in the event that you and the groom/bride decide to elope to Vegas instead
• And a dossier on all of your more out-spoken guests – in case one of them decides to object to the wedding and you need to blackmail them into silence...

With this kit, you should be able to avoid most wedding day problems. Good luck!