Entertaining VIPs

Is your boss coming for dinner tonight? Are the Australian ambassador and his wife visiting for the weekend? Has Charlie Sheen dropped by for a 6-hour rant? Well if so, you might be a little concerned. Let's be honest here, such VIPs are expecting to be treated in a certain manner. And if you don't accommodate their needs, they might just leave. (Which in the case of Charlie Sheen, might not necessarily be a bad thing...) So in the interest of keeping your guests happy, I have compiled a few key tips for entertaining VIPs.

• Purchase one bottle of every brand of bottled water available. Then, dump out all the water and refill the bottles from your tap. That way your VIP guests can still select their favorite brand of bottled water, and they won't know when you just refill their empty bottles instead of buying more bottled water.
  
  
• Don't go overboard with food. These are rich people – if they want a six-course gourmet meal with wine and gold leaf garnish, they should stop being such tightwads and spend some of their money in a restaurant and not mooch off of you...
  
  
• Forget about the chocolates on the pillow. Aside from the fact that chocolate contains caffeine (which will keep you awake), the chocolates on the pillow have become quite cliche. So instead of chocolates, place those miniature bottles of vodka (like you get on airplanes). It's a special treat that will also help the VIPs sleep.