New New Year's Resolutions

Though most people determine their New Year's resolutions in advance of the holiday, I procrastinated a bit this year. But since I'm a resolute believer in the “better late, than never” philosophy of life, here are my new New Year's Resolutions.

• Stop procrastinating
• Write your resolutions down this year, so you remember them
• Read more (particularly junk food labels...)
• Invent a cocktail and name it the Reginald
• Take up competitive jousting
• Wear more matching socks
• Figure out what that smell is in the laundry room
• Bring back the cravat
• Clip toenails as often as fingernails
• Stop procrastinating and write a list of real New Year's resolutions

The New Year's Hangover

Though it is now the third day of this new year, let's be honest – assuming that you celebrated the final day of 2011 with appropriate vigor – you're probably still a little hungover. So in an effort to help you overcome this first headache of 2012, allow me to provide you with a few tips to treat that post-New Year's hangover.

• Drink lots of clear fluids to rehydrate your body. (But remember - vodka, is not considered a clear fluid, in this case...)
  
  
• Forget the cold shower, decaf coffee, and pickle juice. Sure some people swear they help treat even the worst of hangovers. But let's be honest here, they just make you a cold and cranky post-drunk with really bad breath...
  
  
• Drop the kids off at their grandparent's for the evening. And if necessary, tell the grandparents something like “our resolution was to spend more time with the family this year” (Grandparents eat stuff like that right up...) Plus it'll also give you an excuse to drop the kids off every other time you get a hangover this year!
  
  
• Be sure to turn your cellphone on vibrate. That way when the credit card company(ies) call(s) to discuss your Christmas bill(s), you can save yourself yet another headache.
  
  
• And if all else fails, drink two Bloody Marys, and call me in the morning...

Asian Crab Cakes with Lime Aïoli

ASIAN CRAB CAKES WITH LIME AÏOLI

With New Year's Eve just around the corner, I thought I would share with you my recipe for Asian Crab Cakes with Lime Aioli. It is a delicious dish that all those New Year's Eve party guests are sure to enjoy.

Makes about 1 dozen

12	ounces lump crabmeat, picked over for cartilage
1½	cups Panko breadcrumbs
1	cup, plus 2 tablespoons prepared mayonnaise
2	large eggs, lightly beaten
2	scallions, trimmed and thinly sliced
¼ – 1	small red chili pepper, ribs and seeds removed and minced (optional)
2	teaspoons fish sauce
1	teaspoon toasted sesame oil
½	teaspoon fresh ginger, peeled and minced
	Grated zest and juice of 1 lime
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
	Canola oil, for frying
1	clove garlic, peeled and minced

Flake the crabmeat into a mixing bowl, and combine with ½ cup of Panko and 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise. Stir in the eggs, 1 of the scallions, chili pepper, fish sauce, sesame oil, ginger, and lime zest. Season the mixture with ¼ teaspoon black pepper, and stir to thoroughly combine. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour.

Place the remaining 1 cup of Panko in a shallow baking dish. Form the chilled crabmeat mixture into ½-inch thick crab cakes using about 2 tablespoons of the mixture for each cake. Dredge the crab cakes in the Panko, coating on all sides in a thin breading of Panko.

Heat the canola oil in a large skillet set over medium heat until hot, but not smoking. Working in batches if necessary, arrange the prepared crab cakes in the skillet and cook, flipping halfway through, until the crab cakes are golden brown and cooked through, about 1½ minutes per side. Remove the finished crab cakes from the skillet and drain on a paper towel-lined baking sheet.

In a small mixing bowl, stir the remaining 1 cup of mayonnaise together with the remaining scallion, lime juice, and minced garlic. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Serve this lime aïoli with the warm crab cakes.

Toffee Crunch

TOFFEE CRUNCH

If you're looking for a quick-to-prepare treat to serve this holiday season, try my recipe for Toffee Crunch. It uses only a few ingredients and takes only minutes to cook. Just be certain that you don't make your toffee too thick. Any thicker than ⅛ -inch, and the toffee can become difficult to chew.

Makes one 9-by-9-inch pan

¾	cup (1½ sticks) unsalted butter, plus more for greasing
½	cup pecan halves, toasted and finely chopped
¾	cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
1	tablespoon light corn syrup
¼	teaspoon kosher salt
1	teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¾	cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Lightly grease a 9-by-9-inch baking dish with butter. Sprinkle the toasted pecans in an even layer in the prepared baking dish and set aside.

In a medium saucepan, combine the ¾ cup butter with the brown sugar, corn syrup, and salt. Pour in 1 tablespoon of water and set the pan over medium heat. Bring to a boil. Cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture registers 290ºF on a candy thermometer. Immediately remove the pan from the heat and stir in the vanilla extract. Carefully pour the toffee into the prepared baking dish, creating a ⅛-inch thick layer of toffee over the pecans. Set aside and allow to cool for 2 minutes.

Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the surface of the hot toffee. Cover the dish with a baking sheet and allow the chocolate to melt, about 1 minute. Remove the baking sheet and use an offset spatula to spread the melted chocolate over the surface of the toffee.

Transfer the baking dish to the refrigerator and chill, uncovered, until firm, about 2 hours. Then, remove the candy from the baking dish. Discard the parchment paper and break the candy into bite-size pieces.

Stuffing the Stockings

Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without those “stockings hung by the chimney with care.” Well... assuming, of course, that those stockings are filled with goodies by Christmas morning. But if you happen to forget to stop by the corner store and pick up the requisite candy and Christmas nicknacks, don't worry. I've developed a short list of common household products that can be used to stuff the stockings of even the most demanding of children.

• Children love anything sugary, even leftover tubes of frosting, sprinkles/jimmies, or any other cake decoration.
  
  
• Stickers, postage stamps, bumper stickers, or anything else that can be stuck to a child's bedroom door make great stocking stuffers.
  
  
• The attic is a stocking stuffer heaven. Just riffle through a few of the duster boxes to find old Polaroid cameras, hand-me-down toys, and pet mice.
  
  
• The telephone book, dictionary, or volume J-K of the encyclopedia make useful gifts that can fill up an entire stocking.
  
  
• Who doesn't like money? Why not fill the stockings with spare change you find under your seat cushions, in the laundry, or at the bottom of your desk drawers? Just be certain the children don't start to play mob boss by swinging their stockings around at each other.
  
  
• Colorful rubber bands make great hair ties or bracelets for girls, or simple slingshots for boys.
  
  
• Kids love things that fizz, so why not give them some Alka-Seltzer, or a bottle of Diet Pepsi and some Mentos?
  
  
• We all have our secret candy stash, so if all else fails – dip into your candy bank and share something with the kiddies.

So if you procrastinated on that stocking stuffer shopping, don't worry. A quick midnight stroll through the house, and you should be able to find enough stuff to fill out those traditional Christmas socks.

Well, I'm off until after New Year's, so allow me to now say - Merry Christmas everyone!

Twelve More Days of Christmas

When was the last time someone actually gave you a partridge in a pear tree? I'll be honest, I've never been given such an elaborate gift, nor have I ever considered giving one. It seems rather foolish really. Why would I give someone a tree in the dead of winter? It's not like you can just plant it in the snow and wait for spring. And furthermore, what does a person actually do with the partridge? You could certainly eat it, but that seems like an awful lot of work now doesn't it – all the plucking and roasting? I should think it would be much easier to give a Butterball in a roasting pan than a partridge in a pear tree.

Besides, doesn't the saying go – a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Why am I only getting one partridge in my pear tree? Who is skimping on the partridge here? If one partridge in a pear tree is equal to one-half a partridge in my hand, then I have enough partridge to feed exactly one-half person. (The ol' transitive property of elementary math at work right there.) It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to - digging up a tree, finding a partridge, and combining the two just to feed one-half person.

And what is up with those seven swans a swimming? Do they come with or without the pond? And are cows included with the eight maids a' milking? Suffice it to say, the song could use a little updating. So without further ado, I give you my version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

• 12 purple eggplants
• 11 jars of Pepto
• 10 bucks for pizza
• 9 bulbs of garlic
• 8 ugly neckties
• 7 handmade mittens
• 6 bottles of vodka
• 5 ROLLS OF TP
• 4 calling cards
• 3 French kisses
• 2 chocolate pies
• And a Butterball in a roasting pan.

Holiday Decorating 101

Though it has been my experience that most people decorate their homes each Christmas with an almost child-like zeal, I think it is safe to assume that at least a few of you out there haven't given it even an ounce of thought. And if that is the case, then let me put your minds at ease. There is still time to deck the halls, and it won't take a lot of time, effort, or money to do it.

• Chances are if you've procrastinated on putting out the Christmas decorations, you've probably also procrastinated on taking down the Thanksgiving ones. So if that is the case, do a little bit of tweaking. Dig out Santa's flying sleigh and arrange eight of those ceramic turkeys in front of it. It might not be traditional, but I think it makes a lot more sense than reindeer – at least the turkeys have wings.
  
  
• Wrapping paper is always festive, so why not wrap up a few more things? By gift wrapping the refrigerator doors, television set, and house cat, you'll not only make your house the most Christmasy one on the street, but come Christmas morning you'll have even more stuff to unwrap.
  
  
• Nothing livens up a holiday household more than Christmas carols. And a great source of Christmas carols is your own cellphone. Simply download a selection of Christmas ringtones, and ask all your friends to call as soon as they can. And of course if you don't have friends, use your own landline to call your cellphone and keep the Xmas tunes going.
  
  
• Don't have time to pick up that Christmas tree? Don't worry – decorate any ol' house plant, feather duster, or sedentary grandfather.
  
  
• And what is Christmas without mistletoe? The great thing about it is – few people actually know what mistletoe is. So you can get away with stringing just about anything together (from rosemary and cranberries to green yarn and red paint chips) and still get away with calling it mistletoe. Besides, let's be honest here, if someone is willing to kiss you under the mistletoe, that person is probably also willing to kiss you under the almost-letoe.

And now that you have a few ideas as to how to decorate your home for the holidays, stop procrastinating. It's fun, I promise. And even if you don't have fun, you can always just leave the decorations up all year and avoid the hassle next Christmas.

Spinach and Artichoke Lasagna with Mushrooms

SPINACH AND ARTICHOKE LASAGNA WITH MUSHROOMS

If you're entertaining any vegetarians this holiday season, you might consider preparing this recipe for Spinach and Artichoke Lasagna with Mushrooms. It's a delicious vegetarian dish that everyone is sure to enjoy.

Serves 12

½	cup all-purpose flour
¼	cup, plus 1 tablespoon olive oil
1	quart milk
¼	teaspoon ground nutmeg
2	cups grated Parmesan cheese
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1	large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2	pounds wild mushrooms (such as shiitake, oyster, and chanterelles), brushed, trimmed, and cut into bite-size pieces
8	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
½	cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, coarsely chopped
2	bags (10 ounces each) frozen spinach, thawed, squeezed of excess liquid and chopped
2	cans (14 ounces each) artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
2	bricks (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened
1	cup cottage cheese
1	pound lasagna pasta, cooked according to the package instructions and drained

Preheat the oven to 350ºF. In a saucepan set over medium heat, combine the flour with ¼ cup olive oil, stirring until the mixture forms a smooth paste. Gradually whisk in the milk and nutmeg. Simmer, stirring often, until thickened, 10 to 15 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in 1 cup of grated Parmesan, and season well with salt and black pepper.

In a skillet set over medium-high heat, cook the onion in the remaining tablespoon of olive oil until translucent. Then, add in the mushrooms and garlic. Season with salt and black pepper, and continue to cook until the mushrooms are tender and lightly browned, about 10 minutes. Stir in the parsley and remove from the heat. Transfer the mushroom mixture to a large mixing bowl and combine with the spinach, artichoke hearts, cream cheese, and cottage cheese. Mix well and season with additional salt and black pepper, if needed.

Spoon ½ cup of sauce in the bottom of a 9-by-13-inch baking dish. Top with a layer of lasagna, and then spread about ⅓ of the spinach mixture over the top of the pasta. Spoon over ½ cup of sauce and sprinkle with some of the remaining Parmesan. Repeat this layering using the remaining ingredients. Top the final layer of pasta with any remaining sauce and cheese. Bake in the preheated oven until lightly browned and bubbly, about 1 hour. Then, remove and allow the lasagna to cool for at least 20 minutes before cutting and serving.

Secret Santa-ing

The other day, I got to thinking about another common aspect of workplace celebration - the secret Santa gift exchange. If you've never done a secret Santa gift exchange before, it goes something like this – everyone draws a name out of a hat, and you purchase a gift for whomever you drew. Then, at the designated place and time (usually the company office party) you all exchange gifts and say Merry Christmas, drink some eggnog, and go your separate ways.

But all the rules of the game aside, what I started thinking about was - what happens if you get the name of some person you have never met? With more and more conglomerates eating up small business, not to mention outsourcing and globalization, it is entirely possible that you will draw the name of a person you've never met. So what do you do when you're expected to buy a gift for customer service agent Baasim “Timothy” Kumar? (Oh, and did I mention Baasim is in Mumbai? Well, he is. Good luck with that one.)

Well, as I said, I got to thinking about this little problem and developed a short list of possible gift ideas. You can find the list below. I'm sure there are other considerations to take into account. And you know your workplace better than I, so feel free to tweak these ideas to meet your needs.

• One of the most common secret Santa gifts is a basket of soaps, lotions, and oils. In my opinion, that is the polite way of saying, “You're stinking up the office. Please, bathe more.” So to be a bit more considerate of the feelings of those rank coworkers, I like to give them gift certificates to the local spa. With any luck, the well-trained health spa professionals will be able to scrub the stink off, so you can all work together without gagging.
  
  
• Or you can give out practical gifts. Who doesn't need beer, ketchup, and toilet paper?
  
  
• Of course, if you really have no clue about the person you are buying for, the best thing to do is to go to the store and purchase the most versatile thing you can find. Swiss Army knives (not the best example if you work in a high stress profession where people are at risk of going postal), festive holiday cards or signs that read “Happy Christma-hanu-kwanzaa-kah”, or even a couple rolls of Duct Tape should work out just fine.
  
  
• If you forgot to purchase your secret Santa gift, a quick trip to the office supply closet should do quite nicely. I think most coworkers would appreciate a handmade paperclip necklace, fleet of paper airplanes, or even a new fax machine.
  
  
• And since it is the season for giving, perhaps the best idea I can offer you is to convince your fellow coworkers to forgo this year's gift exchange and each donate something to a local charity or food bank.

And now that you have a few ideas what to purchase for that assigned person, get out there and do it. The secret Santa gift exchange is a fun way to get to know your fellow coworkers and share a couple of laughs.

In Case You Make a Mistake at the Office Party

This being the season of the office party, it is not unlikely that you'll do/say something foolish and embarrass yourself in front of your coworkers and boss. So in an effort to help you do a little post-party damage control, allow me to provide you with a few day-after-the-party tips...

• Take a portable stove to work with you and fry up some bacon. It's hard to stay angry with a coworker when he's/she's offering you bacon...
  
  
• Go into the server room and “accidentally” unplug a few things. That way most of your coworkers won't be able to access the Internet and find your embarrassing email(s).
  
  
• Take a double-exposure photo of yourself, frame it, and place it on your desk. Then when people start to make fun of you, simply show them the photo and say - “Yeah, my twin brother/sister is crazy!”
  
  
• Identify the quietest guy in the place, then tell everyone it's his birthday. People will be scrambling about to plan the impromptu birthday party that they'll completely forget about your office party indiscretions. (And the quiet guy? Well... he's so quiet nobody will ever hear him when he says it's not his birthday...)
  
  
• And if all else fails, spike the water cooler and wait. Someone is bound to drink too much “water,” get drunk, and start distributing inappropriate photocopies. Which should effectively shift the attention away from you.