The Bad Day Survival Kit

Did you have a bad day, today? I suppose we all do from time to time. And whether your bad day was the result of fighting with your coworkers, getting a speeding ticket, or being mistaken for Ozzy Osbourne by that little boy on the street, I have a few tools that might help improve your day. Call it a Bad Day Survival Kit, if you will. It's a set of tools that will improve your mood as much as possible, so tomorrow might be a better day.

THE BAD DAY SURVIVAL KIT

(take two, every two to four hours until symptoms subside)

• A flannel bathrobe – to be worn as soon as you arrive home (tying the robe closed is optional*)
• A six pack of beer – to be shared with friends (namely me, myself, and I)**
• A tube of raw cookie dough – to be eaten by the spoonful***
• Anything deep-fat fried and smothered in ketchup – to be eaten with a generous sprinkling of salt****
• A full package of toilet paper – you'll know when*****
• A pot of chocolate fondue made from melted candy bars – consume while wearing a napkin like a bib******
• A humorous movie – to be watched before bed*******
• Anything deep-fat fried and smother in chocolate – to be eaten by the dozen********
• A rigorous workout – to burn off excess energy/stress*********
• A good stiff shot of Pepto – to use as needed the following morning**********

* Talk to your doctor to see if you are sexy enough for an open bathrobe.

** Do not drive or operate machinery while using this treatment option.

*** Talk to your therapist to see if you are depressed enough to eat raw cookie dough.

**** May cause weight gain, heart disease, stroke, hypertension, acne, BO, and greasy finger.

***** If you don't know when, consult the book “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi.

****** Always wear protection.

******* Avoid drinking dairy products while using this treatment option – it'll all just come out your nose while laughing.

******** See ****

********* Talk to your thighs to see if exercise is right for you.

********** This may be the only true solution here...