Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice

BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP WITH WILD RICE

Garnished with crispy pancetta, tart Granny Smith apples, and fragrant wild rice, this recipe for Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice is an autumn favorite that everyone is sure to enjoy.

Serves 6 to 8

1	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2	tablespoons olive oil
2	butternut squashes(about 1¾-pound each), peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks
1	medium sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
2	sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked
¼	teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
pinch	Cayenne pepper
1	quart homemade chicken stock, or low-sodium canned chicken broth
4	ounces pancetta, cut into ¼-inch cubes
2	Granny Smith apples, peeled and cut into ¼-inch cubes
1	leek, white and light green parts thinly sliced and well rinsed
2	cups heavy cream
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2	cups wild rice, cooked
¼	cup walnuts, toasted and chopped (optional)

In a large stockpot, combine the onion with the olive oil. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Add the squash, sweet potato, garlic, thyme, pumpkin pie spice, Cayenne pepper, and chicken stock. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes. (If necessary, add additional chicken stock or water to keep the vegetables covered.)


Meanwhile, in a skillet set over medium-high heat, cook the pancetta until crispy. Using a slotted spoon, remove the pancetta and set aside. Toss the apples and leek into the skillet and cook in the pancetta drippings until tender, 5 to 8 minutes. Remove and set aside.


Remove the soup from the heat and purée until smooth in a blender. Stir in the heavy cream and season with salt and black pepper. Pour the soup into serving bowls and top each with some of the wild rice, walnuts, and reserved apple and pancetta mixture.  

The No-Gift Birthday Gift

Is there someone in your life who hates to receive birthday gifts? A person who, for some odd reason, vehemently dislikes the idea of anyone purchasing a special gift in celebration of his/her life? Well, I think we all have someone like that in our lives. And it sure does make birthday gift shopping a great inconvenience, now doesn't it? I mean - how dare they be so selfish. Why not just make a wish list like the rest of us and hand it out like Halloween candy? So inconsiderate... Well anyway... my rantings aside - if you are currently attempting to purchase a birthday gift for just such a person and are having no luck, allow me to suggest one of the following “no-gift” ideas. They're gifts, but that birthday boy/girl will never know it...

• Donate some money to some charity and simply put the donation in the birthday boy's/girl's name. (This has become the classic gift of choice for such stubborn birthday boys/girls.)
  
  
• Purchase a magazine subscription for the birthday boy/girl. Chances are the first issue of the magazine won't arrive until well after the birthday party. And when it does finally arrive, he/she will have long since forgotten that it was a birthday gift and just enjoy the magazine.
• Enroll the birthday boy/girl in the mustard of the month club. Who is really going to complain about getting a jar of mustard once a month?
  
  
• Give him/her an open bottle of alcohol. (Open because if he/she needs to open the bottle, it will seem like you intentionally went to the liquor store to purchase a birthday gift. Whereas we want it to appear like you simply rifled under your kitchen sink for some booze to bring to the BYOB birthday party...)
  
  
• And finally, if all else fails, stop by the local novelty shop and pick up a pile of fake dog poo. That way if you do get around to the gift giving, the birthday boy/girl simply laughs at your gag gift and moves on. And if you don't get around to exchanging gifts, you can simply drop the poo pile on the floor and get the boring birthday party over with already.

Elephant Sconces and Other Gifts

Has this ever happened to you? It's some other special occasion, and a dear friend excitedly gives you a gift. You open up the beautifully wrapped package, look inside, and with all the composure and honesty of a politician you graciously thank your friend for the... creatively hand-painted, elephant-shaped, ceramic wall sconce and matching peanut-themed candles... Well if this has ever happened to you, you might be concerned about what to do with such a... “special” gift. So, today I will offer you some other ideas that should enable you to “use” that gift in a way that is both considerate of your friend's feelings and yet ironically fitting for such a hideous present.

• If the gift is mainly ornamental in nature, proudly display it in the bathroom (preferably a bathroom you don't use very often, if that's an option). Your friend will assume that his/her present has been given a place of honor next to your throne, while you'll know that it's actually in the crapper because it's a piece of...
  
  
• If the gift is seasonal in nature, display it somewhere in the house for that first year, and then pack it away in the basement with the rest of your seasonal ornaments. Then, sometime next summer after a particularly bad rain storm, hose down the basement, invite your friend over to help clean up after the “flood,” and “disappointedly” tell your friend that his/her gift was unfortunately damaged during the great basement flood of 2012.
  
  
• If the gift is particularly fragile, purchase a very tippy pedestal to precariously perch the gift upon. Then, give your children some hockey sticks, some soccer balls, or even a greased up piglet and let nature take it's course...
  
  
• And if all else fails, do what you did in grade school – hide it under the sofa and tell your friend “the dog ate it.”

Eau de Gypsy and Other Smells...

So I have this little herb garden in the backyard. And the other day I spent an afternoon, harvesting the herbs, washing and picking the leaves from their stalks, and drying the herbs out in a 250-degree Fahrenheit oven for winter storage, right? Well.. now my house smells like a delightful menagerie of roasted basil, thyme, coriander, and tarragon. It's a... curious smell that I've nickname Eau de Gypsy Witch Doctor. So in an attempt to air the place out, I have compiled a list of some of the best ways to get a stink out of your kitchen. Enjoy!

• Add a few drops of vanilla extract to a cup of water and nuke the mixture in the microwave until hot and fragrant.
  
  
• Bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies (just be sure to clean the oven out before doing this, otherwise they might taste like basil chip cookies...)
  
  
• Run a pot of vinegar through the coffee machine. Not only will this clean your coffee maker, but it will effectively cover up any foul-smelling odors with the nose hair-burningly strong aroma of vinegar.
  
  
• Scrub the floors with Pine-Sol. Any guest in your home will simply think that the herbal smell is your Christmas tree... Which was put up in September for some reason...
  
  
• And finally, if all else fails, turn down the thermostat, put on a heavy jacket, and open up all the doors and windows to air the place out with that chilly autumn breeze.

Five Fun Hangover Cures from Around the World

Well assuming that you are celebrating Oktoberfest properly, you are most likely finding it quite difficult to get back to work this Monday morning. But don't worry - with a little help from me, you'll be feeling awake, energized, and ready for a new work week. (Or well... At the very least, you'll be ready to head into the office and stare blankly at your computer screen while eating Tylenol like Tic Tacs and cursing how delicious German beer really is...) So without further ado, I give you - Five Fun Hangover Cures from Around the World:

• Drink some pickle juice. As unpleasant as it sounds, in Poland this is a common treatment that is believed to replenish the body's supply of essential minerals.
  
  
• If there happens to be a Russian market in your city, stop by and purchase a can of Rassol – a carbonated form of sauerkraut juice (that's right I said “sauerkraut juice”) that helps increase your electrolyte levels.
  
  
• Bulgarians and Romanians believe that the surest way to get rid of that post-Oktoberfest hangover is a healthy bowl of cold tripe soup. Of course this option does require that you prepare a batch of tripe soup the night before and store it in the refrigerator... But life does, after all, require a certain measure of prior planning, now doesn't it?
  
  
• In Slovakia, it is common to treat that headache with a hot bowl of garlic soup. But let's face it – that doesn't do anything for the headache. It just makes your breath smell so bad that people leave you alone for the day...
  
  
• And lastly, if those other options don't work for you, then do as the Irish do – bury yourself up to the neck in moist river sand. That's right – river sand. Why do they think this will help? Well... I don't know. But my theory is that if you are buried up to the neck in river sand, the only thing to do is take a nap. And let's face it, the best way to get rid of a hangover is to sleep it off...

I hope these tips help. And be sure to enjoy the rest of your Oktoberfest!

Spinach-Stuffed Pork Loin

SPINACH-STUFFED PORK LOIN

This recipe for Spinach-Stuffed Pork Loin is a delicious and elegant dinnertime idea that is surprisingly simple to prepare.

Serves 6 to 8

3	tablespoons olive oil
1½	cups baby spinach, trimmed and rinsed
1½	cups Swiss chard, coarsely chopped and rinsed
½	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
¼	cup golden raisins
¼	cup pine nuts (optional)
pinch	ground nutmeg
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1	boneless pork loin (about 4-pounds), trimmed and butterflied
2	sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked

Warm 1 tablespoon of the olive oil in a skillet set over medium heat. Add the spinach and Swiss chard, as well as any water that clings to the leaves. Cover the skillet and cook, tossing occasionally, until the leaves are tender and wilted, about 4 minutes. Remove the spinach and Swiss chard from the skillet and set aside.


Return the skillet to the heat and add an additional tablespoon of the oil. Toss in the onion and garlic. Cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Remove from the heat and combine with the reserved spinach mixture. Stir in the raisins, pine nuts, and nutmeg. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Set aside to cool to room temperature.


Preheat the oven to 450°F. Place the pork loin cut-side-up on a work surface. Season with salt and black pepper. Spread the cooled spinach mixture over the pork. Roll the pork up and tie with butchers' twine. Brush the outside of the pork loin with the remaining tablespoon of oil. Sprinkle with the thyme leaves and season with salt and black pepper.


Place the pork in a 9-by-13-inch roasting pan. Roast in the preheated oven until an instant- read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the pork loin registers 145°F, about 35 to 40 minutes. Remove from the oven and rest 10 minutes before removing the butchers' twine ties and slicing the pork loin into ¼-inch thick slices.

End of Summer Blowout!

With tomorrow officially being the first day of autumn (not that the weather around here has been particularly summer-like for the past month...), I thought that today I would offer you a few end-of-summer entertaining ideas. After all, we are going to have to wait several more months before we can once again break out that barbecue, fudge those sundaes, and suntan those pasty white thighs of yours. So why not enjoy this final day of summer?

• Though it is probably too chilly to do very much swimming, that's no reason not to fill up some balloons with warm tap water and have an end-of-summer water-balloon fight! It's a fun activity that also serves as a preview for this year's snowball fight season. So fill some balloons and start chucking them at your kids, your neighbors, and that old cane-bearing lady that hobbles her way out to the mailbox each afternoon.
  
  
• If you don't feel like standing outside tending a barbecue all afternoon, then forget about the end-of-summer barbecue and host an end-of-summer deep-fry-athon instead. Not only does one of those large outdoor deep-fryers cook your food quickly, but the deep-fried chicken, French fries, Oreos, and ice cream should also help you put on a layer of fat that will keep you warm throughout the winter months.
  
  
• Bonfires are always a summertime pleasure. And since you're probably feeling a little chilly right about now anyway, why not light one up? It's an opportunity to toast s'mores, tell ghost stories, and best of all – since it gets dark out so early now, you can light the fire early in the day and get to bed at a reasonable hour...
  
  
• And finally, it wouldn't be summer without beer. So stock up the fridge, invite some friends over, and start celebrating. Because after all – it's Oktoberfest!

Oktoberfest

Since we are in the middle of Oktoberfest right now, I thought I would provide you with a few key tips to surviving this most festive time of year.

• First and foremost – pace yourself. It's very easy to drink too much, too quickly and ruin your entire Oktoberfest experience. And if you simply can't control yourself, then at the very least, stay away from the pickled pork knuckles – they taste even worse on the way back up...
  
  
• Dress for success – this is the only time of year when a guy can wear lederhosen and get away with it. So why not, eh?
  
  
• If you are particularly prone to the drunken giggles, plan ahead - wear Depends. Because let's face it, after enough beer, you're going to be laughing so hard you'll likely wet your pants...
  
  
• And lastly, be sure to eat LOTS of food. Not only will it help you stomach all the beer, but the food is an integral part of the Oktoberfest experience. Plus, it's the end of summer – who really cares if you pack on a few pounds? You'll need the extra insulation this winter anyway. So enjoy those pretzels, those roast chickens, and that thick German sausage.

The Lazy Breakfast

Are you having one of those mornings when you just don't want to crawl out of bed? One of those days, when the last thing you want to do is head into the kitchen and make yourself a healthy breakfast? Well, before you dive into last night's leftover Kung Pao and that box of stale oyster crackers, let me offer you a few other breakfast ideas that take as little effort as possible.

• Apple wedges, banana slices, and/or Oreos dipped directly into a jar of peanut butter
  
  
• Cold Pop-Tarts smeared with jelly, peanut butter, or cream cheese
  
  
• Dried fruit, nuts, and honey stirred into a cup of yogurt, pudding, or sweetened condensed milk
  
  
• Cold cereal with milk, yogurt, or melted ice cream
  
  
• And if all you really want is a fancy cup of coffee, then take last night's leftover cold coffee and blend it together with some vanilla ice cream for a delicious iced coffee smoothie

Food for Wood Piling

After a week spent piling firewood in anticipation of this winter's chilly temperatures, I have concluded that piling firewood is... AWFUL. But like all awful tasks in life, firewood piling can be made better with a little creative cookery. So without further ado, I give you:

Five Foods for Wood Piling

• A 12-foot party sub sandwich is a great option. Not only does it contain plenty of cold cuts (a great source of protein to keep you going strong), but its ridiculously large size will also encourage friends, family, and neighbors to stop by and enjoy a slice of sub - as well as obligate them to help out with some of the wood piling...
  
  
• A thermos of chili also works. The hot chili will keep you nice and warm, plus its smelly side effects will be far less noticeable since most of your wood piling work will be done outdoors.
  
  
• Margaritas are another great option. You can't go wrong with margaritas.
  
  
• Caramel apples... corn dogs... and well... anything else served on a stick really, make convenient wood piling snack choices. After all, your hands are going to get pretty dirty piling all that firewood. And who really wants to be bothered with hand washing before eating a snack?
  
  
• And if those options don't work for you, then why not make yourself an ice cream sundae, sit back, and enjoy one final day of sunshine? After all, you can always pile the firewood tomorrow...