Tax Return 101

Tomorrow is the last day to file your tax return. And as I assume that most of you are like me and have procrastinated up until now, I think I should keep today's posting brief.

Five Ways to Spend Your Refund (Should You Be So Lucky):

• Go on vacation – I'm sure the Las Vegas Tourism Bureau would be more than happy to assist you in your travel plans
  
  
• Cash your refund check and ask for singles, then toss all the dollar bills on your bed and roll around for a bit
  
  
• Install a microwave or mini-fridge in your SUV
  
  
• Buy your way into the Karaoke World Championship
  
  
• Go out to eat and order the lobster-stuffed filet mignon taco and side salad

Five Ways to Cushion the Blow of Having to Pay More Taxes:

• Stop by the dollar store and pick up a couple dented tubes of cookie dough
  
  
• Withdraw all the remaining money from your checking account in penny form, then toss the coins all over your bed and roll around a bit
  
  
• Take a stay-cation – I'm sure with enough sand and decaying seaweed you can make the bathtub into an acceptable beach
  
  
• Try the recipe on the back of the SPAM can
  
  
• Change your identity and move to the Yukon

Putting on the Ritz?

So the other day, I had someone tell me that whenever she bakes anything, she cannot help but put on a pair of high heels and a strand or two of pearls. Right... Now don't get me wrong. I am a resolute believer in the “to each, their own” philosophy of life. But high heels and pearls? For banana bread? Really?

Of course, when I reacted in such a manner, the young lady insisted that I should try it. “Your baked goods will just taste better,” she said. And though I have absolutely no intention of donning a pair of stilettos the next time I bake biscuits, the young lady's insistence upon wearing only the finest of bakery footwear did leave me with a few questions. Can the taste of your food truly be dependent upon the clothes you wear? Will looking good for your food, make your food look good for you? Is this young lady mentally unbalanced, and should I run away?

Well, I suppose that one could argue that looking your best does make a person feel better about himself/herself and result in a more positive outlook on life, in general (which may also influence how we perceive our foods to taste). But I think the opposite could also be true. If a person is uncomfortable attempting to balance atop a tight pair of high heels while simultaneously having a set of heavy earrings stretch out her lobes like Play Doh, that same person may think all food tastes better because it's the only sense that isn't being strained by the uncomfortable burdens of fashion.

And with that, the only conclusion that I can reach is to say what I always say - “to each, their own.” If you feel like dressing up to bake a batch of brownies, go right ahead. I'll be sticking with my jeans and t-shirt, though.

What Not to Tell Your Dinner Guests

I think we've all been in this situation before – you have a great party planned, the guests are just about to arrive, and suddenly something goes wrong and you're left reeling. And sure, I think it is human nature to share the details of those moments with friends, family, and therapists, but I do believe there are certain instances when too much information can really put a damper on the party. So, below I have listed a few examples of bad situations that should never be shared with your party guests.

Never tell yours guests...

• that your pet boa constrictor is loose from his cage and now roaming freely through the house's plumbing.
• that you were previously arguing with your spouse about which end of the toothpick to insert into your cocktail sausages.
• that the frozen peas now garnishing the soup where previously used to ice your son's skinned knee, chill your lemonade in lieu of ice, and protect your bum from that searing hot car seat on your ride home from the grocery store.
• that the recent power outage fried your bedroom videocamera.
• that the second floor bathroom is out of order because you had curry last night.
• that tonight's steak was last night's Lady Gaga costume.
• that your child just lost a tooth in the soup.
• that you forgot to wear pants while deep-fat frying the corn dogs.
• that your new recipe for scrambled eggs was inspired by a recent episode of “Dirty Jobs.”
• that you ran out of Ziploc bags and marinated tonight's chicken breasts in your shower cap.

The Red Pox

With baseball season getting started here, you may find it exceedingly difficult to turn off that TV and leave your man cave – a condition I've named: Reduced Energy and Dissociation Prompted by Observing Xtreme Amounts of Baseball, or Red Pox: Type AB. (Possible side effects include: irritability, anti-social behavior, loss of appetite, weight gain, loss of muscle mass, loss of voice due to excessive TV yelling, hair loss, flatulence, burping, body part scratching, hot dog breath, dry mouth, beer helmet hair, face painting, loss of shirt, drooling, back fat, couch butt, excessive sweating, heart attack, stroke, coma, or divorce.) So, in the interest of enjoying as much baseball as possible, while avoiding the Red Pox, review the tips I have listed below. Each tip is designed to make the man cave experience the best it possibly can be, while helping you avoid contracting a case of the Red Pox. (And if you are the type that doesn't enjoy the simple pleasures of watching baseball à la man cave, then all I can say is – what's wrong with you?)

• Reduce your stress level by Feng Shui...ing your man cave. Remove all nonessential items from your man cave, including any unnecessary furniture, appliances, vehicles, pets, spouses, and children.
  
  
• To inspire you to keep exercising throughout the baseball season, tack up a poster of your favorite super model.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• Always use the bathroom farthest from the man cave – after four chili dogs, two bowls of nachos, and a pack of beer, you'll thank me for that tip.
  
  
• And remember, baseball is America's favorite pastime. So, be certain to share part of your day with friends and family watching the game. Unless of course, your friends are Yankees fans. In which case, I advice you to sever any and all contact immediately.

Lemon-Rosemary Coffee Cake

LEMON-ROSEMARY COFFEE CAKE

To make a quick sauce for this delicious cake, sweeten some fresh blueberries or blackberries with confectioner's sugar and smash the mixture together into a coarse purée.

Makes one 8-inch cake

2¾	cups all-purpose flour
2	teaspoons baking powder
¾	teaspoon kosher salt
1	cup granulated sugar
1	cup plain whole-milk yogurt
3	large eggs, lightly beaten
3	tablespoons lemon zest (3 to 4 lemons), finely grated
1	tablespoon fresh rosemary, finely chopped, plus more for garnish
½	teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½	cup good olive oil (not extra-virgin)
¼	cup firmly-packed light brown sugar
¼	cup (½ stick) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into ½-inch cubes, plus more for the pan
2	cups confectioner's sugar, beaten with ¼ cup water, for glaze

1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Butter an 8-inch tube pan and set aside. Sift 2 cups of the flour together with the baking powder and ½ teaspoon of the salt. Set aside.

2. In a separate mixing bowl, whisk together the granulated sugar, yogurt, and eggs until well combined. Stir in the lemon zest, rosemary, and vanilla extract. Add in the reserved dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Then, gradually incorporate the olive oil, mixing until well combined. Pour the cake batter into the prepared tube pan and set aside.

3. In a small mixing bowl, combine the remaining ¾ cup flour and ¼ teaspoon salt with the brown sugar and butter. Cut in the butter, until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Sprinkle the streusel mixture evenly over the top of the cake batter.
   
   
4. Bake the cake in the preheated oven until a cake tester inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean, 50 to 55 minutes. Remove the cake from the oven and cool. Then, remove the cake from the pan and transfer to a serving dish. Drizzle the cake with the confectioner's sugar glaze, and garnish with sprigs of fresh rosemary.

Unexpected Dependents

I think we've all been in this situation before: you're planning on having a quiet weekend at home, but for one reason or another, you end up babysitting someone else's kids, pets, or finicky geraniums. So what do you do? Well, that is the topic of today's blog posting – how to entertain other people's dependents.

First, address the dependent – introduce yourself and explain why the child/pet/plant is here. Also, inform the dependent that his/her parents/owners will soon be returning to reclaim the child/pet/plant. Let's be honest, if you skip this step it is not unlikely that the police will soon be at your door asking you questions like, “Sir, is that your ficus plant, or are you holding it ransom?”

Second, identify the dependent's needs. Does the child need to watch “Hannah Montana?” Or can you save yourself the agony and eventual insanity by convincing the child he/she needs to watch an episode of “Bones” instead? Does the cat need it's deworming medication? Well... if you want to keep your sofa clean, then yes... it probably does.

And third, identify enjoyable activities that you can share. A pie eating competition, a visit to the local zoo/theme park/microbrewery, or even a greased up piglet should provide hours of fun for you, as well as the child/pet/plant. And if you cannot identify activities that you can share, give the children the TV remote, nuke some fish sticks, and remember – it's just for one weekend...

I'm Giving Up Boredom for Lent

Being the middle of Lent, it might seem like life around here has gotten a little boring. That's because... well... it has. But it doesn't have to be that way. Sure we are going through a period of self-denial, but who said that had to be boring? And so, below you will find a few suggestions for fun activities that should add a little spice to your life without violating the strict Lenten code of conduct.

• Host a Lenten potluck. To do so, instruct all your guests to prepare dishes using the food or foods they gave up for Lent, and then bring the food to your house to share with everyone for dinner. The way I see it, if one person chooses to abstain from chocolate for the 40 days, that's no reason why the rest of us shouldn't still be able to enjoy that person's triple-chocolate fudge brownie torte...
  
  
• Do some volunteer work. Not only will you be helping out your community, but volunteering to... direct the junior high's awkward production of Romeo and Juliet, or to... listen to seniors tell their tales of childhoods spent hiking uphill through waist-deep snow to various destinations, should all prove to be quite entertaining.
  
  
• Take the time to reconnect with long lost friends. If you're lucky, you will be more successful than they are. Then, you can feel better about yourself and continue to abstain from alcohol until Easter.
  
  
• Take up a new hobby. I suppose I can't be sure of this, but I don't believe there is anything about Lent that says you must stop learning. So why not learn how to play an instrument, read those books about pottery, or take up competitive hedge trimming?
  
  
• Adopt a pet from the local animal shelter. Like volunteer work, this one should make you feel good. And like taking up a new hobby, it should occupy your attention long enough to get you through until Easter.

Sick and Single

Having recently dealt with a cold (and not having a spouse/personal assistant/trained chimpanzee to wait on me hand and foot while I recover), I thought that today I would cover the topic of how to nurse yourself back to health. So, if you're single and feeling a little under the weather, try using some of these tips to make yourself feel a little bit better.

• If you don't have the energy to make yourself some chicken soup, why not order some? Call the local takeout/delivery places and see if any of them have chicken soup on the menu. Or better yet, call all your friends and family to tell them you're sick. If you're lucky, one of them might make you some chicken soup and hand-deliver it to you – nothing better than chicken soup, especially when it's free!
  
  
• Don't forget to drink plenty of clear liquids (vodka doesn't count).
  
  
• Misery loves company. So, get yourself a sympathetic friend, a pet, or a life-size Pamela Anderson cardboard cutout.
  
  
• Make sure you get some fresh air. Let's be honest, if you just lock yourself away in a small, confined space, you'll just be breathing in more and more of that plague-tainted air. So, crack open a window or go for a brief walk outside.
  
  
• And don't forget, laughter is the best medicine. So, why not place a few crank calls? If any of your friends later ask why you left them a voicemail for Mr. I. P. Freely, simply blame the prank on the NyQuil and move on.

If They Didn't Laugh

Did you go a bit too far with your April Fooling on Friday? Have some of your coworkers stopped speaking to you because they didn't find your stinky fish gag in their desk drawers until Monday morning? Are your children now deathly afraid of milk because you dropped a little green dye in the jug last week? Is your spouse terrified to leave the house because you shaved his/her head in the middle of the night? Well if so, you probably need to do a bit of post-April Fool's Day damage control. But don't worry, it isn't nearly as scary as it may sound. (Well... okay, if you shaved your spouse's head, then yes – you should be terrified. But otherwise it shouldn't be too bad.) Below I have compiled a listing of possible solutions to this April Fool's Day problem. Of course, which course of action you choose depends upon the situation, so choose carefully. And remember, each of these solutions is meant to be used in conjunction with a heartfelt apology and requisite reparations gift.

• Throw a pity party. Invite your April Fool's Day victim's closest friends over for a party. Set out some wine, some junk food, and maybe even a couple of miniature violins with sheet music for “My Heart Bleeds for You.” Then, you can get lost, and allow your guests the time they need to bad-mouth you and eventually get over the April Fool's Day embarrassment/resentment.
  
  
• Create a diversion. Is your April Fool's Day victim afraid of mice? GREAT! Why not release a couple of rodents in the house? The other person will be far too traumatized by the rodent sighting to ever remember your April Fool's Day gag.
  
  
• Encourage your victim to play a cruel joke on you. “Accidentally” leave that bottle of Tabasco sauce beside your bottle of foot fungus cream. Or perhaps you could forget to hide away those embarrassing Las Vegas stag party photos (you know the ones I mean – with the Elvis lookalike, the bed sheet toga, and the tub of Cool Whip...)
  
  
• Schedule a group session with your therapist, and invite your victim to attend and discuss his/her concerns. Of course, don't actually take your victim to your real therapist – that man/woman simply knows way too much about you...
  
  
• Call in sick. Let's face it, if your coworkers are P.O.'ed with you, it's probably best to avoid the office for the next day or two; you won't be getting any work done anyway. And besides, it'll give your coworkers time to cool down and remove the tacks they placed on your chair, incriminating insider trading evidence they planted on your computer, and forged pink slips they slipped into your mailbox.

Pizza Cake

PIZZA CAKE

Looking for a fun dinnertime trick to play on the family this April Fool's Day? How about serving Pizza for dessert? With a little creative decorating, this simple yellow cake can be made to look just like a personal-pan pizza – the perfect April Fool's Day dessert.

Makes one 9-inch cake

1½	cups all-purpose flour
1½	teaspoons baking powder
¼	teaspoon kosher salt
½	cup milk
1	teaspoon pure almond extract
10	tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for the pan
1	cup granulated sugar
2	large eggs
½	cup strawberry jelly
¾	cup shredded sweetened coconut
	Assorted candies, cut into pizza topping shapes

1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF. In a mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. In a separate bowl, mix together the milk and almond extract. Set aside.

2. In the bowl of an electric mixer, fitted with the paddle attachment, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, 3 to 5 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl, as needed, with a rubber spatula. Incorporate the eggs one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Then, with the mixer running on low, alternate adding the reserved flour and milk mixtures. Mix until everything is well combined.

3. Pour the cake batter into a buttered 9-inch pie plate. Bake in the preheated oven until the cake is golden, and a cake tester inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean, 40 to 45 minutes. Remove and set aside to cool on a wire rack.
   
   
4. If desired, use a serrated knife to level the top of the cake. Then, spread the strawberry jelly over the top of the cake. Sprinkle the cake generously with the coconut, and top with the candy pizza toppings. Cut into wedges and serve.