Twelve More Days of Christmas

When was the last time someone actually gave you a partridge in a pear tree? I'll be honest, I've never been given such an elaborate gift, nor have I ever considered giving one. It seems rather foolish really. Why would I give someone a tree in the dead of winter? It's not like you can just plant it in the snow and wait for spring. And furthermore, what does a person actually do with the partridge? You could certainly eat it, but that seems like an awful lot of work now doesn't it – all the plucking and roasting? I should think it would be much easier to give a Butterball in a roasting pan than a partridge in a pear tree.

Besides, doesn't the saying go – a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Why am I only getting one partridge in my pear tree? Who is skimping on the partridge here? If one partridge in a pear tree is equal to one-half a partridge in my hand, then I have enough partridge to feed exactly one-half person. (The ol' transitive property of elementary math at work right there.) It seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to - digging up a tree, finding a partridge, and combining the two just to feed one-half person.

And what is up with those seven swans a swimming? Do they come with or without the pond? And are cows included with the eight maids a' milking? Suffice it to say, the song could use a little updating. So without further ado, I give you my version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

• 12 purple eggplants
• 11 jars of Pepto
• 10 bucks for pizza
• 9 bulbs of garlic
• 8 ugly neckties
• 7 handmade mittens
• 6 bottles of vodka
• 5 ROLLS OF TP
• 4 calling cards
• 3 French kisses
• 2 chocolate pies
• And a Butterball in a roasting pan.

A White Christmas

As we have already had a couple of snow storms here in Northern Maine, it is safe to say that “it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” The air is cold, there's a permanent slush puddle on the welcome mat, and boots have transformed from being utilitarian fashion accessories to this season's must-have footwear. But all that winter wonder aside, what does a person do if he or she lives in an area of the world that only dreams of a white Christmas? How does a person truly get into the spirit of the occasion without a bit of snow on the ground? Well, that is the topic of today's blog. Below you will find a few helpful hints to make even the most tropical of holidays into a winter wonderland.

• To simulate the look of a snowy front yard, you could cover the entire lawn with a layer of cotton batting (the stuff used to make quilts puffy). Of course, that might kill your grass, but let's just deal with one problem at a time here.
  
  
• Buy a snow cone machine and have a snow cone fight. (Just remember to avoid lemon-flavored snow cones – that'll just teach your children it's alright to eat yellow snow.)
  
  
• Christmas just isn't Christmas without a snowman in the backyard. So if you don't have snow, you can always pile up three full trash bags and paint a face on it. Or if you don't have a backyard in which to build your snowman, a smaller, indoor snowman can be made. For example, you could build a snowman in the freezer using freezer frost. Or you could use chunky kitty litter to decorate your cat's litter box with a festive litter snowman!
  
  
• Kids love to play with flour sifters (or at least I did when I was one). So why not give them all large bags of confectioners' sugar and a flour sifter? They can then be sent upstairs to sift the sugar out their bedroom windows. Not only will this entertain the children, but for anyone looking out a first-floor window, it will appear that a light dusting of snow is falling from the heavens.
  
  
• And if all else fails, you can buy some of that spray-on frost (or a good can of white spray paint will do - assuming you don't mind it being permanent) and paint the world white to your heart's content (or at least until the fumes make you faint).

And now that you have a few key tips to making your tropical paradise into a frozen wasteland, get cracking – those palm trees aren't going to frost themselves.

Pork Chops with Spiced Apples

PORK CHOPS WITH SPICED APPLES

Today, I'll be sharing with you a delicious and quick-to-prepare dinner idea that the whole family will enjoy – Pork Chops with Spiced Apples. It's a simple dish that can be prepared all in one skillet, using ingredients you probably already have in the house. So pull up a chair, because dinner will be on the table in 30.

Serves 4

4	¾-inch thick, bone-in pork chops, trimmed of excess fat and patted dry
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1	tablespoon olive oil
2	tablespoons unsalted butter
3	Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and cut into wedges
1½	teaspoons fresh rosemary, very finely chopped
1	cup apple cider
¼	cup raisins
3	tablespoons pure maple syrup
½	teaspoon apple pie spice
	Juice of 1 lemon

1. Season both sides of the pork chops with salt and black pepper. Set a large cast-iron skillet over medium-high heat and drizzle in the olive oil. Once the oil is hot, arrange the pork chops in a single layer in the skillet, and sear until golden brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Turn the pork chops over and continue to cook until golden brown and cooked through, about 5 to 6 minutes more. Transfer the pork chops to a warm serving platter and set aside.

2. Return the skillet to the stove and melt the butter over medium-low heat. Add the apples and rosemary. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the apples are lightly golden brown, 6 to 8 minutes.

3. Deglaze the skillet by pouring in the apple cider and using a wooden spoon to scrape up any browned bits stuck to the bottom. Add the raisins, maple syrup, and apple pie spice. Simmer until the apples are tender and the sauce has thickened slightly, about 10 minutes.

4. To finish, add the lemon juice to the apple mixture. Season to taste with additional salt and black pepper. Pour the sautéed apples and sauce over the reserved pork chops and serve.

Late for the Party

You know it's sad to say, but I really know absolutely nothing about Hanukkah. And that includes the spelling – is it Hanukkah or Chanukah? (Or is there a different between those two?) Well regardless of the spelling, it is a holiday that involves lots of great food so I should – scratch that – I want to know all about it. And since tonight is the final night of the Hanukkah season, it seems appropriate that I browse Amazon.com for a couple of applicable books and begin my preparation for next year's Festival of Lights.

And since I don't have any advice (useful or otherwise) for you on Hanukkah, I suppose I will finish this rather pointless blog entry with a joke:

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

A: Cheese Whuz.

(Well, that wasn't very good, now was it? Maybe I'll order a couple of joke books while I'm at it...)

Holiday De-Stress

Feeling a little stressed this holiday season? Between the economic crunch, the holiday weight gain, and the three Christmas spirits haunting our every dream, I think it's safe to assume that we all feel a little stressed throughout the month of December. But don't worry, today I have a few tips to share with you that should help minimize those Christmas-induced anxiety attacks and coronaries.

• Make lists for everything. Not only will it keep you organized, but there is something therapeutic about checking off all the tasks you have accomplished.
  
  
• One glass of red wine each day has been shown to be beneficial to heart health. Two glasses of red wine each day are beneficial to mental health.
  
  
• A strong glass or two of eggnog is even better for mental health.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper. There is nothing more stressful than running out of beer, ketchup, and/or toilet paper.
  
  
• And if all else fails, lock the door, turn out the lights, and wait for January.

And now that you have a few tools to de-stress your holiday, enjoy the season! Christmas really is a magical time of the year... as long as you can fend off the heart attack, that is...

Twenty Things to Do With Fruitcake!

Though it may sound rather odd, many members of my family actually enjoy a slice or two of fruitcake during the holidays. It is a taste that few acquire, and yet seems uncommonly common in my family, requiring me to prepare several fruitcakes each and every Christmas. But let's face it, that is a problem that few other home cooks have. And so in the interest of keeping this blog relevant, I will discuss another aspect of all things fruitcake – what to do with those unwanted fruitcakes.

For most American families, fruitcakes have a rather poor reputation for causing chronic holiday humbug-ery (possible side effects include: nausea, upset stomach, constipation, curled nose syndrome, depression, and clinical disappointment). Luckily, there are options for treating this non-life-threatening condition. Below you will find of listing of twenty things to do with those gifted fruitcakes. Simply choose the option that works best for you, and... live life, fruitcake free.

• Donate the fruitcake to a food bank.
• Throw the fruitcake away.
• Feed it to the birds.
• Use as potting soil.
• Attempt to compost the fruitcake (may take between 1 and 5 years).
• Store indefinitely in an Armageddon fallout shelter (if it's the only thing left to eat, you'll eat it).
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who does likes it.
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who doesn't like it.
• Regift the fruitcake to someone who doesn't like you.
• Use the cake as a fragrant paperweight.
• Repurpose the fruitcake as a door jam.
• Use the cake as a hockey puck.
• Mop up spills with a spare fruitcake (it really is the quicker, picker-upper).
• Collect as many fruitcakes as possible to use as bricks in the construction of an outdoor fire pit.
• Use the cake as charcoal in your new outdoor fire pit.
• Stick the cake under the short leg of a chair or table to keep it from rocking.
• Allow the fruitcake to dry out and use as a pumice stone to remove calluses
• Carve into miniature sculptures of The David.
• Place in your car with a note reading: In the event of a submersion, break glass with this.
• Toss the cake in the back of the refrigerator to act as an air fresher for the next year, then regift it to someone you really don't like.

The Secret Santa

As I was writing last Thursday's blog on the holiday office party (see article “The Office Party”), I got to thinking about another common aspect of workplace celebration - the secret Santa gift exchange. If you've never done a secret Santa gift exchange before, it goes something like this – everyone draws a name out of a hat, and you purchase a gift for whomever you drew. Then, at the designated place and time (usually the company office party) you all exchange gifts and say Merry Christmas, drink some eggnog, and go your separate ways.

But all the rules of the game aside, what I started thinking about was - what happens if you get the name of some person you have never met? With more and more conglomerates eating up small business, not to mention outsourcing and globalization, it is entirely possible that you will draw the name of a person you've never met. So what do you do when you're expected to buy a gift for customer service agent Baasim “Timothy” Kumar? (Oh, and did I mention Baasim is in Mumbai? Well, he is. Good luck with that one.)

Well, as I said, I got to thinking about this little problem and developed a short list of possible gift ideas. You can find the list below. I'm sure there are other considerations to take into account. And you know your workplace better than I, so feel free to tweak these ideas to meet your needs.

• One of the most common secret Santa gifts is a basket of soaps, lotions, and oils. In my opinion, that is the polite way of saying, “You're stinking up the office. Please, bathe more.” So to be a bit more considerate of the feelings of those rank coworkers, I like to give them gift certificates to the local spa. With any luck, the well-trained health spa professionals will be able to scrub the stink off, so you can all work together without gagging.
  
  
• Or you can give out practical gifts. Who doesn't need beer, ketchup, and toilet paper?
  
  
• Of course, if you really have no clue about the person you are buying for, the best thing to do is to go to the store and purchase the most versatile thing you can find. Swiss Army knives (not the best example if you work in a high stress profession where people are at risk of going postal), festive holiday cards or signs that read “Happy Christma-hanu-kwanzaa-kah”, or even a couple rolls of Duct Tape should work out just fine.
  
  
• If you forgot to purchase your secret Santa gift, a quick trip to the office supply closet should do quite nicely. I think most coworkers would appreciate a handmade paperclip necklace, fleet of paper airplanes, or even a new fax machine.
  
  
• And since it is the season for giving, perhaps the best idea I can offer you is to convince your fellow coworkers to forgo this year's gift exchange and each donate something to a local charity or food bank.

And now that you have a few ideas what to purchase for that assigned person, get out there and do it. The secret Santa gift exchange is a fun way to get to know your fellow coworkers and share a couple of laughs.

Roasted Pear Salad with Blue Cheese

ROASTED PEAR SALAD WITH BLUE CHEESE

Are you getting tired of that ordinary tossed salad? You know what I mean – that boringly simple combination of iceberg lettuce, tomato wedges, and cucumber slices that leaves you full, yet not quite satisfied. Well today, I'm going to share with you a delicious and creative salad that makes a great start to any meal. I call this recipe Roasted Pear Salad with Blue Cheese, and it is anything but ordinary.

Serves 4, as a starter

2	firm-ripe Anjou pears, peeled, halved lengthwise, and cored
¼	teaspoon fresh thyme leaves
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2	ounces Gorgonzola or other blue cheese, crumbled
¼	cup dried pomegranate seeds (or dried cranberries)
¼	cup pecans, chopped (optional)
2	tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
¼	cup honey
8	ounces baby lettuces, such as arugula, frisée, and red oak
4	strips thick-cut bacon, cooked and crumbled
¼	cup fresh pomegranate seeds
1	tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1½	teaspoons Dijon mustard

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F. Sprinkle the pears with the thyme leaves, and season with salt and black pepper. Arrange the pears snuggly, cut-side-up, in a small baking dish. Combine the Gorgonzola, dried pomegranate seeds, and pecans together in a bowl. Divide the cheese mixture among the pears, mounding it on top of each pear.
2. In a separate bowl, whisk the lemon juice and honey together with 2 tablespoons of hot water. Drizzle the mixture over and around the pears.
3. Roast the pears in the preheated oven until tender, 20 to 30 minutes - depending upon the size of the pears. If the cheese filling begins to brown too much, cover the pan with aluminum foil and continue to roast. Remove the pears from the oven and cool 10 minutes.
4. Toss together the lettuce, bacon, and fresh pomegranate seeds. Divide the salad between four serving plates, and top each with a pear half. In a bowl, whisk the olive oil and Dijon mustard together with the remaining roasting juices. Season with salt and black pepper, and drizzle the vinaigrette over the salads. Serve.

The Office Party

December is the season of the office party. And as such, it's also the season of the office party embarrassment. You know what I mean – you drink one too many eggnogs and the next thing you know you're dancing topless on the conference room table with Gary from HR. (Not that I would be speaking from experience, of course.) But all the awkward water cooler gossip, employee behavior reprimands, and photocopied buttocks aside, when a person does commit an office party faux pas, what is he or she to do? How does a person get past the embarrassment and return to work the following day with head held high? Well, that is the topic of today's blog. Below you will find a couple of suggestions to help overcome even the biggest of office embarrassments. Of course, which option you choose to employ depends entirely upon your situation, but I think this list does cover the basics. So here goes:

• Perhaps the easiest solution to any gossip-generating office faux pas is to spread an even dirtier rumor about someone else. For example – “Did you hear about Jeffery and Tanya in the storage closet? With the plunger? And the Tic Tacs?” (You start a conversation like that and nobody will care who you purple-nurpled at the Christmas party.)
  
  
• You can also take a call from your “therapist.” Have a friend call you at work the following day and act out a very loud conversation about how important it is for you to ignore that voice in your head that tells you to burn down the house of anyone who makes fun of you. (This one will scare your coworkers into silence.)
  
  
• Throw an office birthday party for... Well, it doesn't really matter who. Let's face it, if you bring cake into an office, you are king for the day, and nobody will care that you told the boss his hairpiece looks like a swallow's nest.
  
  
• Go into the utility closet and hit the main breaker. Turning the power off and back on should mess up enough of the computers, fax machines, servers, etc. to send everyone into a technology-induced panic attack that will completely erase your embarrassing incident from their minds.
  
  
• And if all else fails, spike the coffee, dig out the camera, and just wait for someone else to do something stupid. Then, capture it on film as proof that you're not the only person to act foolishly at work.

And now that you know how to overcome even the biggest of office faux pas, feel free to have that second, third, or even forth glass of eggnog. Not only will it make the office party more fun for you, but your coworkers will enjoy watching your drunken antics and forever remember the time you attempted to fax your necktie to Cheryl in accounting.

Christmas Card Season

It's never too early to begin thinking about Christmas cards. Face it, you only have 24 more days before they officially become past-due, so get on top of them! And to help give you a jump start, I've complied a short list of possible messages that you can inscribe your holiday cards with. Of course, a personal message written from the heart is preferred. But if you have neither the time nor the thoughtfulness to come up with something yourself, then these are some useful suggestions to make Christmas card season all the more stress-free.

• The traditional card:
  Wishing you a bright and
  happy holiday season
  with best wishes for
  a prosperous New Year.
  
  
• The encouragement card:
  With the holiday season swiftly coming near,
  You might give up that diet, that scale, and that workout gear.
  But from me to you, shall I just say,
  Please don't give up cuz you're as big as Santa's sleigh.
  
  
• For that special someone:
  I've hidden mistletoe on my body.
  Merry Christmas my hot little toddy.
  
  
• For the kiddies:
  He sees you when you're sleeping,
  He knows when you're awake,
  He'll break in through your chimney
  So lock your bedroom for goodness sake.
  
  
• And if you cannot help but procrastinate on your Christmas cards:
  Though this card might be a few days late,
  I thought I'd write it anyway cuz you're my mate.
  And if it bothers you that it arrives a bit tardy,
  Let me just say – who do you think you are-dy?
  I do the best I can each year,
  To make sure these cards arrive at Christmas near.
  But sometimes I simply get too busy,
  So don't get all worked up in a tizzy.
  Or do I need to remind you of the year you forgot my birthday?
  You're hardly innocent, nor perfect, nor smelling like any bouquet.
  So get over it and listen as I say my peace:
  Merry Christmas you, your family, and even that mangy mutt you call Reese.

And now that you have a general idea of what to write in those Christmas cards, get to it. It's a simple yet respectable tradition that reminds us all just how polite and civilized the world can be.