Rainy Weekends

With a nor'easter bearing down on New England this morning, I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with a short listing of rainy weekend party ideas. So here goes:

• Should your basement flood due to excessive amounts of rain, host a pool party. Beach balls, inner tubes, and even that inflatable mattress all make for a great subterranean beach party.
  
  
• If the lights happen to go out, why not hold a séance? Light some candles, break out that Ouija Board (if you don't have a Ouija Board - a magnifying glass and the phonebook will work just as well), and wrap your head in some form of scarf for a gypsy-style conversation with your late uncle Sergio.
  
  
• After the hail has stopped falling, why not practice your snowball pitching for this winter? Tossing the little frozen pellets around the yard is a great way to train that arm before the snow flies.
  
  
• Hurricane force wind gusts give children a great opportunity to relive a bit of history. A kite, a key, and some strong wind allow every child to pretend to be Ben Franklin or... a lightening strike victim, at the very least.
  
  
• And don't forget, a rainy weekend is a great time to catch up on your favorite blog(s). So gather the family around the computer and have some fun.

And now that you have a few new ideas for rainy weekend parties, why not invite some friends over and enjoy the storm?

The Blizzard Party Pack

This morning I awoke to find the earth iced in a rather thick layer of glistening frost. And though I found the sight quite beautiful, it did get me thinking about the coming winter – a thought that can send a shiver up the spine and a frostbitten-like numbness through the extremities of even the most die hard of winter sports fans.

If you've never lived through a Northern Maine winter, allow me to give you a visual. One winter, a few years ago, we got so much snow that you could literally walk up one snowbank, step onto the roof of the house, and walk over the top of the house, before lightly stepping back down onto the snowbank on the other side. And when I was in high school, we didn't just have storm days, we also had cold days – days when it was simply too chilly for students to be walking to school, much less sitting in drafty science labs, hovering over lit bunsen burners for warmth.

But before I begin to sound like one of those old men who had the great misfortune of living in a perpetually inclined world of waist-deep snow and bone chilling temperatures, allow me to get on with today's blog topic – stocking up for winter entertaining. You see, here in Northern Maine (as in most other northern states) one must always plan ahead for the coming winter. After all, you never know when a blizzard might come your way, leaving you buried in a couple feet of snow. Nor do you know how long it will take to tunnel your way back out of the snow-laden house after the storm passes. So you must always have a store of food to sustain you and your family should the weather turn ugly.

Furthermore, since most blizzards will leave you stuck inside with nothing to do, why not host a little impromptu dinner party? Below you will find a brief listing of must-have products necessary to successfully host any blizzard party.

• Purchase several heavyweight tablecloths in various colors. Not only will they protect your table from spills and the like, but they can also double as warm blankets should the heat go out.
  
  
• Plant some decorative flowers or other plants in gardens pots and distribute them throughout the house. Not only will they make beautiful centerpieces on your blizzard party dinner table, but they are also a valuable source of oxygen should you get completely snowed in.
  
  
• Stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• To entertain the children, purchase a snow-cone making kit with various flavored syrups. Just be certain to avoid any yellow-colored syrups such as lemon or banana. I think discouraging your children from eating yellow snow is best for everyone.
  
  
• And since most children are conceived during the boring winter months (let's face it, there isn't much else to do) be certain to stock up on chocolates, bubble bath, massage oils, and scented candles because one does need a bit of romance, after all.

And now that you know the basics of blizzard entertaining, be sure to stock up on the necessities the next time you go to the store. After all, you never know when you'll be called on to host that next wintery bash.

The Nasty Bits

So I was working on a recipe for a rather delicious Oyster and Roasted Corn Chowder the other day, when I had the thought – who was the first person to eat an oyster? I mean, really? Who cracked open that first shell, looked at that snot-like blob of mollusk and said, “This looks wonderful. Let me now put this in my mouth.”

Of course, I assume the answer dates back to prehistoric times with some starving Neanderthal named Unk A. Unk bashing the things between two rocks for a much-needed meal. But still... It also kind of makes you wonder who first dreamed up Haggis (a sort of heart, liver, and lung casserole boiled in a sheep's stomach), Prairie Oysters (that's deep-fried bull testicles), and Casu Marzu (a maggot-filled cheese from Sardinia).

But then again, I suppose the old adage – waste not, want not – does come into play in this matter. And that's particularly true in difficult economic times such as these. I wonder if Americans would be interested in a cookbook that returns them to their prehistoric roots? A sort of guide to the nasty bits and barely edible pieces of the food they normally eat. It could have recipes like Braised Mystery Rodent, Snail Shell Broth, and Turkey Surprise (the surprise of course being that it's not turkey). In fact, that leads to a rather fun title, I should say - I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken by Nathan Scott.

It sounds like an idea to me (not necessarily a good one, but an idea all the same). Now, all I need is a skilled butcher, a creative photographer, and a pair of die hard taste testers with iron stomachs and steely nerves...

Forget About It, Or Not...

When I was living in Italy, there was this... eccentric fellow who lived a couple of doors down from my tiny apartment on Via dei Macci. He didn't come out of his apartment very often. Which, of course, begs the question – how did I know he was eccentric? Well, when he did come out of his apartment, he wore an aluminum foil helmet, you see. And not to imply that I am in any way qualified to be commenting on personal style or fashion, but my limited knowledge on the subject does tell me that such metallic wrappings are meant only for leftovers, roasting meats, and Lady Gaga.

Some days this eccentric fellow (whom I shall now refer to as Tin Man in the interest of saving time and keystrokes) would wear the aluminum foil helmet under a fedora. Other days he would cover it with the hood of his sweatshirt. And occasionally, he walked through the market proudly showing off his homemade helmet – all the while blinding the stares of curious tourists in the reflected sunlight.

Most people ignored him, either not noticing the aluminum foil poking out from beneath his hood or simply not caring why this man was decorated like a baked potato. But one day I had the great fortune of watching him interact with this curious American couple.

“Sir, what's wit' that hat of y'urs?” The couple asked with a slight southern drawl.

I'd tell you what he said, but unfortunately my weak Italian language skills precluded the possibility of understanding his ranting response. But what I gathered from his skyward hand gestures and hush-hush tone was that the helmet was protecting his brain from aliens, spy satellites, or some form of micrometeorite impact. Whatever the reason, the Tin Man was protecting his mind with aluminum foil, and I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

You see, I've pretty much removed aluminum foil from my kitchen. Sure I occasionally use it to line a baking sheet or wrap a roasting turkey, but most of the time I prefer to use something else. And why is that? A few years ago I read a series of articles that concluded that excessive usage of aluminum foil in cooking may play a part in the development of Alzheimer's Disease. (Please note the emphasis on the word – may.) I don't remember all the details, but it had something to do with the body absorbing aluminum foil over years, and the brain getting gunked up with the stuff – I really don't know. But regardless of the articles' debates, I read somewhere that aluminum foil might make you forget your life, so I reduced my usage of the stuff (better safe, than senile – I always say).

But I suppose, like anything, aluminum foil is a matter for culinary debate. Some will tell you it's harmless. Others will say it'll kill ya. And still more think it is the solution to alien brain waves, telepathic spy satellites, and all those pesky micrometeorites that seem to hit Tin Man's forehead so very often. Unfortunately, I do not have the true answer for you. All I can say is aluminum foil might make you forget, but then again it might not. So I leave it up to you. I'm a resolute believer in – everything in moderation – and yet I can't help but think that an aluminum foil helmet is... too much. But hey... To each their own, right?

Columbus Day Weekend

It has become somewhat expected now that I offer you my entertaining advice for each and every holiday. And with Columbus Day just around the corner, it wouldn't be right for me to end this week of blog postings without giving you a few helpful tips to make this weekend extra special. So here goes:

• In recognition of the Italian Christopher Columbus and his Spanish patron, Isabella I, prepare an eclectic meal of Italian and Spanish cuisine. Nothing says “Happy Columbus Day” quite like big bowls of pasta and paella.
  
  
• If you are one of the many people who hold a particularly negative opinion of Christopher Columbus and/or Columbus Day, then celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving instead. It's on the same day, and let's be serious here – who doesn't like Canada?

• Remember to stock up on beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.
  
  
• If you live in a temperate climate, entertain the children with a cardboard boat race. Just be sure to put all the fat kids in the Santa Maria box – that way the race is historically accurate, with the big boat going down first.
  
  
• And remember, Columbus Day is a great time to exchange gifts with those you love. Aside from the customary gifts that Columbus exchanged with the natives (you know - beads, parrots, and the Bubonic Plague), I like to give all my guests cough drops. It's a helpful gift and a gentle reminder that we are about to enter the cold and flu season.

Well, I'm off for a long weekend. I hope you enjoy your Columbus Day, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday.

Back to the Drawing Board

Yeah, so I Googled it – someone already invented the pie scissors. And it turns out the world wasn't ready for them like I had thought... Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

Now, a pair of cake scissors... That might work!

Pie Cutting

I must admit, it has already been a bit of a long week for me, but I'll spare you the agony of hearing all the details. Let me just say, it is best to avoid starting an argument with an eggplant whenever possible. (I still have no clue how, but I think I lost that argument...)

All the verbal vegetable abuse aside, I think today I would like to rant about a silly kitchen gadget. You see, after my little spat with that purple potato-wannabe (the eggplant), I went online to do some research and cool down. And that is when a popup came on my computer screen and recommended that I purchase a pair of “pizza scissors.” Yeah... “pizza scissors.” Now, I mean no offense to whomever invented this... unique kitchen gadget. (I really rather like to think of myself as a fair and polite person, who makes fun of everyone equally.) But pizza scissors? Really?

If you haven't seen this particular kitchen gadget – it looks like a wedge-shaped spatula with a pair of scissors strapped to the side. Presumably, it operates by sliding the spatula under the pizza and using the scissors to cut through the crust. It seems reasonable enough. Or at the very least, it seems reasonable until you consider the other possible ways that one could cut a pizza into wedges – namely, a pizza wheel, a large knife, and even a pair of normal scissors (be they strapped to a spatula or otherwise).

But this idea for the “pizza scissors” got me thinking - I've never really had trouble cutting a pizza before, but a pie... now that's another story. I have had trouble slicing up a pie and removing the wedges from the plate without making a mess. And I would imagine that I am not alone in that regard. Maybe it is time for the world's first pair of pie scissors! What a fantastic idea!

And so now I set off with two plans in the works. The first plan being how I should develop my great invention – the pie scissors. And the second plan being how to plot my revenge upon the eggplants.

Thank You, Come Again... Later

I assume that if you are reading this blog, you have some interest in cooking and home entertaining. And even if you don't, I think it is at the very least safe to say that you enjoy reading about the trials and tribulations of other people who enjoy home entertaining – a sort of vicarious party-throwing experience with all the fun, and yet none of the cleanup. (Or those are the two reason I would hope you are reading this blog. Otherwise, I'm not entirely sure why you're here. Unless, of course, you are just killing time while that video game loads, that adult video buffers, or that next Windows 7 update downloads. In which case, all I have to say is – Why not throw a party? Depending upon the theme and who you invite, you can certainly play games, make your own adult videos, and keep yourself occupied while that next Windows 7 update downloads. It's win, win!)

But regardless of your opinion on home entertaining (be it positive or otherwise), we all face a similar challenge from time to time – how to tell your guests it is now time to pack up and get out. Let's be honest here, every home entertainer needs his or her quiet time. And we all have our little tricks – setting everyone's coats out in plain sight, hiding the alcohol, flicking the lights on and off until everyone scatters like cockroaches... the list goes on. But today I would like to offer a few new ideas that might help coax those longwinded guests out the door so you can get to bed at a reasonable hour.

• Turn on some slow, mellow music. This will calm your guests down and indicate that the night is winding to a close. Enya, Norah Jones, and even that A Charlie Brown Christmas album will have your guests yawning in no time.
  
  
• Turn off the television. Face it, it's been a long evening – everyone has already said everything they're going to. The TV is probably the only reason they're still sitting on your sofa.
  
  
• Discreetly pick up the glasses and put them in the dishwasher. This is a subtle indication that the bar is now closed and that all the blathering drunks should go elsewhere.
  
  
• “Accidentally” release your pet guinea pig from its cage. Chances are most of your guests will be afraid of such rodents and flee for the exits as it darts under their chairs.
  
  
• And if all else fails, tell that particularly longwinded dinner guest that his/her car is getting towed. Then, lock the door behind him/her as he/she races outside.

And now that you know how to clear a room, feel free to entertain to your heart's content, ending the party when you've had enough.

Louisiana Remoulade Sauce

LOUISIANA REMOULADE SAUCE

I know you're looking at this recipe and saying, “Really, Nathan? A sauce? That's the best recipe you could do this week?” And in my own defense, normally I wouldn't post such a simplistic thing. But seeing as how I adore this sauce – I made three batches of the stuff just this past weekend and drizzled it over everything from rice to ravioli – I thought it was appropriate for today's posting. Unlike its French cousin (which is basically a glorified tartar sauce), Louisiana Remoulade Sauce is filled with a depth of flavor and spiciness that can add loads of flavor and color to a dish. Better still, it is much easier to prepare than a French Remoulade - which requires you to first make a time-consuming, homemade mayonnaise by gradually whisking oil, drop-by-drop, into a bowl of egg yolks. The Louisiana Remoulade Sauce skips that step entirely, often being ketchup- or oil-based, rather than mayonnaise-based. And perhaps best of all, the sauce can be made entirely in the pitcher of a blender providing for fast preparation and easy clean up.

makes about 2 cups

¾ cup vegetable oil

¼ cup ketchup

¼ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice (about 2 lemons)

½ cup (½ of a medium) yellow onion, peeled and diced

¼ cup (½ of a medium) red bell pepper, seeds and ribs removed, diced

6 cloves garlic, peeled and minced

2 tablespoons prepared horseradish (optional)

½ cup scallions, white and light green parts chopped

¼ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped

2 tablespoons Creole mustard

2 teaspoons paprika

1 teaspoon kosher salt

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

¼ teaspoon Cayenne pepper

In the pitcher of a blender, combine the vegetable oil, ketchup, and lemon juice. Pulse to thoroughly mix. Add in the onion, bell pepper, garlic, and horseradish. Process until the mixture forms a smooth purée. Scrape down the sides of the pitcher with a rubber spatula as needed. Add the chopped scallions and parsley, followed by the mustard and paprika, pulsing the machine to thoroughly combine. Season with the salt, black pepper, and Cayenne pepper.

Transfer the Louisiana Remoulade Sauce to a nonreactive container and cover. Store in the refrigerator for up to 1 week. Serve chilled or at room temperature.

Pizza Par-tay!

October is National Pizza Month here in the U.S. of A. And I already know what you're thinking – how is it that such a glorious month can pass without public attention and awareness? Well, fear no more because I have a plan (famous last words, if I've ever heard them). But I do have a plan, and it goes something like this:

• First, we must understand the topic of pizza as thoroughly as possible. This means, we must all go out and order a pizza with our favorite toppings. (My favorite combination is chorizo and egg. But since most pizza shops have yet to discover how delicious and simple it is to fry an egg on top of the pizza as it bakes, I guess I'll settle for a more traditional slice of pepperoni and pineapple.)
  
  
• Second, we must study the pizza culture. Which is a rather highfalutin way of saying - we must eat our pizza in the manner dictated by our culture. In this case, we must order one or more pizzas to be shared with friends and family. Each slice should be folded in half lengthwise for easy one-handed eating. And it must be consumed with beer, soda, or cider.
  
  
• Third, we must continue our study of pizza culture by eating a second slice. (Repeat this step as needed to fully understand the pizza culture.)
  
  
• Fourth, we must turn on and enjoy the football game. Cheering is optional and depends upon several factors, including: your knowledge of football, favorite team, which team is geographically closer to where you live, the guests at your party, and your level of intoxication.
  
  
• And finally, fifth, we must repeat this process every weekend until November.

By following these simple steps, we will all become more aware of our favorite party food, and truly begin to celebrate this great month as it was meant to be celebrated – with pizza, beer, and football.