Tuesday, January 31, 2012

New Host/Hostess Gifts

Is it just me, or do the typical host/hostess gifts seem more like a slap in the face than a polite gesture of gratitude? Take the scented candle, for instance. It seems like scented candles are a pretty common host/hostess gift for a guest to bring these days. And yet, every time I receive a scented candle, I cannot help but think – So, you were anticipating that my house was going to stink, were you? Interesting...

And then there is the customary basket of soaps, lotions, and various ointments. Which one would think would convey a message of care and consideration. But let's be honest here, the real message such a basket of toiletries conveys is something more along the lines of – You look dirty. Please bathe before you prepare our dinner.

Well, I suppose I could go on here criticizing all the various host/hostess gifts (and that includes that beautifully beribboned crate of Drano a guest brought to my house one time), but I would not want to appear ungrateful. Like most hosts/hostesses, I do rather enjoy it when a guest arrives bearing gifts. And most of the time I recognize the gift for what it truly is. Which is to say, the gift is notintended to be a firm slap in the face, but rather a polite slap on the back.

But if you're like me and aspire to give host/hostess gifts that are a bit more... politically correct, I've compiled a short listing of some of my favorites below. Of course it depends upon the situation, which gift is best. But I think this list will give you the general idea.

  • A book on a subject that interests the host/hostess (especially a beautifully photographed coffee table book – just in case he/she doesn't read English).

  • A low-maintenance plant, such as an aloe vera or cactus (you know – something that your host won't feel too bad about when it dies).

  • Any form of alcohol (which can send the message that you feel a need to consume copious amounts of alcohol to tolerate your visit; but let's be honest, that's probably true of both you and your host/hostess).

  • A framed photo of you and the host/hostess at a previous party/event/outing (preferably a photograph of an enjoyable moment and not the time you interrupted your host's/hostess's wedding vows to announce that you objected to the marriage because you thought it somehow violated the Geneva Convention).

  • An elegant flower vase (because let's face it, one of the other guests isn't going to be nearly so considerate and will simply stop off at the drug store for one of those anemic arrangements of daisies; and your host/hostess will appreciate having something pretty to put those poor flowers in).

Monday, January 30, 2012

Entertaining That Cold

If we haven't already, we'll soon be reaching the peak of this year's cold and flu season. Which means you'll probably soon be entertaining a few sick people at your next dinner party. But before you make dust masks and latex gloves required dinner attire, here are a few tips to help make those sick dinner guests feel at home, while also protecting you from contracting their plague.

First, schedule your party for the early afternoon. A person who is sick will want to go home early and go straight to bed. So hosting an early afternoon party is a considerate way of inviting a sick person into your home. Besides, if you're hosting a late-night dinner, your unhealthy guest(s) may arrive already doped up on NyQuil, and fall asleep on your sofa before the meal is even served. And then you're stuck with an incubus of plague for the night.

Second, eat well in advance of the meal. This helps in two ways. First, you won't be putting as much flu-tainted food in your mouth if you eat before your sick guest(s) arrive. And second, you'll probably be losing your appetite once your guests arrive anyway. Something about a person blowing his/her nose at the dinner table just takes the hunger right out of a person.

Third, keep the meal simple. It doesn't matter how delicious your Indian shrimp curry tastes, the ensuing gastrointestinal distress is only going to add to the person's growing list of flu symptoms (not to mention have you chugging Pepto the following morning). So serve simple dishes like chicken soup, matzo balls, and Theraflu.

If you follow these simple tips, you should be able to welcome any sick person into your home for a polite and healthy dinner party. Just don't forget to stock up on the Purell!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Oyster Po' Boys

OYSTER PO' BOYS

A Po' Boy is a traditional sandwich served in Louisiana. And this recipe for Oyster Po' Boys is so delicious and so simple, you can prepare it any night of the week.

Serves 4

½
cup prepared mayonnaise
2
tablespoons sweet pickles, chopped
1
tablespoon tomato paste
1
tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
¼
teaspoon Cayenne pepper

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Peanut oil, for frying
1
cup cracker crumbs (such as Ritz or saltine), finely ground
2
cups shucked oysters, drained
1
large egg, lightly beaten
4
soft sandwich rolls, lightly toasted
1
cup Romaine lettuce, shredded

In a mixing bowl, combine the mayonnaise, sweet pickles, tomato paste, and lemon juice. Stir in teaspoon Cayenne pepper, and season to taste with salt and black pepper. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to use.

In a large stockpot, heat 2 to 3 inches of peanut oil until it registers 375ºF on a deep-frying thermometer. Meanwhile, combine the cracker crumbs with the remaining ⅛ teaspoon Cayenne pepper in a large food-safe plastic bag. Season with salt and black pepper.

Working in small batches, dip some of the drained oysters in the lightly beaten egg. Remove the oysters from the egg, allowing any excess liquid to drip off. Then, toss the oysters in the cracker crumb mixture, covering the oysters in a light coating of the crumbs. Lightly shake off any excess cracker crumbs and carefully place the oysters into the preheated peanut oil. Fry the oysters until golden brown and cooked through, 60 to 90 seconds. With a slotted spoon, remove the oysters from the oil and drain on a paper towel-lined baking sheet. Sprinkle with additional salt, and set aside as you fry any remaining batches of oysters.

To assemble your sandwiches, smear some of the reserved mayonnaise mixture on each toasted bun. Then, fill each sandwich with some shredded Romaine and the fried oysters.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ten Things to Do When the Internet Is Out

As my Internet connection is acting up today, and it is entirely possible that it will quit at any moment, I shall keep today's posting as brief as possible.

Ten Things to Do When the Internet Is Out:

  • Sit at the computer clicking the Refresh button until the Internet problem fixes itself
  • Memorize your favorite song backwards
  • Clip your toenails
  • Dress up like a Jedi Chef and have a light-saber battle with tonight's roast beef
  • Take up extreme ironing – a hobby that involves steam ironing your clothes in extreme environments, such as on the side of a cliff or in Siberia during wintertime
  • Groom your pet poodle to look like a Ninja Turtle
  • Start a hotel mini-shampoo collection
  • Bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and eat them all before anyone else gets home
  • Take up competitive air guitar playing
  • Start drinking

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The End of Days Party, Part II

Continuing on with my series of doomsday party tips, I thought that I would take a few moments today to discuss one of the finer points of entertaining – selecting the guest list. This issue is particularly important to successful doomsday partying. Let's be honest here – if the Mayan calendar is correct and December 21st does mark the end of civilization as we know it, you could be spending the rest of your post-apocalyptic life with your dinner guests. And if you don't like those guests, it could be a very long post-apocalyptic life, indeed. So to help prevent that unfortunate event, allow me to offer you the following guest list planning tips:

  • Be sure to invite a few especially strong people. They come in handy when you need to build a log cabin, haul firewood, and/or fight zombies.

  • Be sure to invite a few especially weak people. That way when the zombies eventually overpower the strong people and start chasing you, you'll be able to outrun the weaklings and get to safety.

  • Never invite Hannibal Lecter, the Korowai tribe of New Guinea, or members of the Donner Party to your Doomsday party. When the food supply runs out, they'll make a new one...

  • Always invite MacGuyver. Not only can he build a shopping mall out of a Q-Tip and some duct tape, but his mullet makes for some post-apocalyptic comic relief.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Beer Can Appreciation Day

Happy Beer Can Appreciation Day everyone! Why do we need a day devoted to appreciating beer cans, you might ask? Well, I have only one response to that question – why not? So in the interest of allowing you time to get out there and appreciate as many beer cans as possible, I'll keep this blog entry brief, and simply say – the only way to truly appreciate a beer can is to empty it.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Refrigerator Refuse

The start of a new year is a great opportunity to perform that most tedious and gruesome of kitchen chores – cleaning out the fridge. Nobody likes to do it, but somebody needs to. Otherwise we all might one day open the refrigerator doors to find a moldy green amalgamation of leftover meatloaf, unused mayonnaise, and forgotten Cheese Whiz that could rival The Blob. Besides, with the start of a new year, most of us could use the extra refrigerator space to store all that health food that we've resolved to eat in this coming year.

Yet, I must admit that I find it rather difficult to just toss all that unused or otherwise unhealthy food in the trash. Call me a tree-hugging Earth biscuit if you want, but I just can't bring myself to waste food. And so today, I'll provide you with a few tips and techniques to help use up all that refrigerator refuse and begin this year right.

  • I suppose the most obvious answer is to compost all that unused food into useful garden fertilizer. But then again, one does need a garden or at the very least a backyard for that option to be very applicable. (Unless of course you like the smell of decaying compost in your kitchen.)

  • Got some moldy cheese? That mold is often the same as bread mold. Which means, where there's mold, there could be Penicillin! No flu shot needed this year.

  • Are you an animal lover? You'd be surprised how many animals will wander into your backyard to eat that leftover fruitcake. Pigeons, squirrels, rats, and gophers all love leftover fruitcake.

  • Looking for something that will entertain the kids? Then, send them outside with the half-used condiments. Squeeze bottles of ketchup, mustard, and relish make for an impromptu game of condiment fight.

  • And lastly, that box of deodorizing baking soda hidden in the back of the fridge is like a fragrant album of meals past. Just give the box a good sniff and remember the leftover roasted fish, stuffed cabbages, and garlic breads of 2010. Then, take a swig of Pepto for the ensuing nausea and use the baking soda to clean and deodorize your bathroom drains over the coming year.

And now that you know what to do with all that extra unused food – get cracking. That fridge isn't going to clean itself, you know.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Turkey Meatball Soup

TURKEY MEATBALL SOUP

This recipe for Turkey Meatball Soup is a healthy and delicious dish that is sure to warm you up on even the coldest of winter's days.

Serves 6 to 8

1
pound ground turkey (light and dark meat)
½
pound sweet Italian sausage, casing removed
½
cup breadcrumbs
½
cup Parmesan cheese, finely grated
1
large egg, lightly beaten
¼
cup, plus 2 tablespoons, fresh flat-leaf parsley, coarsely chopped
10
cloves garlic, peeled and minced

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
¼
cup olive oil
1
large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2
medium carrots, peeled and cut into ¼-inch thick slices
2
bay leaves
1
cup sweet Marsala wine
2
quarts homemade chicken stock, or low-sodium canned chicken broth
½
pound kale, trimmed and coarsely chopped

In a mixing bowl, combine the ground turkey and sausage meat with the breadcrumbs, Parmesan cheese, and egg. Stir in 2 tablespoons of parsley and 2 cloves of minced garlic. Season with 1½ teaspoons salt and ½ teaspoon black pepper. Stir the mixture to thoroughly combine, then form into 1-inch thick meatballs. Set aside.

In a stockpot set over medium-high heat, warm 2 tablespoons of olive oil until hot, but not smoking. Working in batches if necessary, sear the meatballs in the hot oil, turning often, until golden brown, 3 to 4 minutes. Then, remove the meatballs and set aside.

Return the stock pot to the heat and pour in the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil. Add the onion and carrots. Cook, stirring often, until the onions are translucent, about 5 minutes. Then, add in the remaining 8 cloves of minced garlic, bay leaves, ¼ cup parsley, and Marsala. Simmer until the liquid has reduced by half. Return the reserved meatballs to the stockpot. Pour in the chicken stock and top with the kale. Cover the stockpot and simmer until the meatballs are cooked through and the vegetables are tender, 20 to 30 minutes. Remove from the heat and season to taste with salt and black pepper.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Post-Holiday Birthdays

Birthdays can always be a tricky thing at this time of year. Aside from the fact that Christmas was just a few weeks ago (making gift-giving difficult), it seems that everyone is partied out during the month of January. So if you have been put in charge of planning and/or hosting someone's surprise birthday bash, don't panic. Today I will offer you a few tips that should make the chore a little easier.

  • Keep the menu simple and healthy. Though most people have long since forgotten that New Year's diet, your party guests will still want to avoid the richer foods so commonly served during the holidays. (After all, during the holidays - Jamie Lee Curtis's miracle yogurt can only do so much for the GI tract...)

  • Don't be afraid to give gift cards to the birthday boy/girl. After the holidays it is very difficult to figure out what gift to give, and giving a gift card is a great way to help the birthday boy/girl purchase just the right thing. Just be sure that the gift card is appropriate. Somehow I doubt most 80-year-old grandfathers are going to be spending very much money at Victoria's Secret or the Happy Nails Nail Salon...

  • And if the guest list is looking a little skimpy, stop by the liquor store. There are plenty of depressed people there who would be all too happy to be invited to a birthday party. (Plus – they'll make excellent bartenders at the party, so you won't get stuck mixing drinks all night...)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The End of Days Party, Part I

As I'm sure many of you have heard – the Mayan calendar expires this year. And whether you believe the sun will flare, the world will end, or the aliens will land, December 21, 2012 sure does sound like a great day for a party! (Err... Well... It may be the last day for a party.) so I thought that I would take some time today to kick off a series of doomsday party tips. They might not all be Mayan-approved, but they sure will be fun.

  • Location, location, location... Find the perfect location for you party. It should be fairly well secured with locking doors and windows, barbed wire fencing, and some form of crocodile-infested mote. The location should also be situated far away from any volcanoes, fault lines, flood zones, or corn fields in which UPOs could circle.

  • Develop/purchase some sort of Gilligan Island-esque bicycle-powered generator. That way when the power goes out, you will still be able to power the blender. After all, nothing ruins an end-of-the-world party like running out of margaritas...

  • Be sure to stock up on the essentials – beer, ketchup, and toilet paper.

  • And normally I would recommend that you acquire a greased up piglet to entertain the kids. But since the kids will be outdoors playing a lively game of dodge the falling satellite, I think that piglet is best fed a healthy diet of slop and kept in a secure place. After all - when the food supply runs out – that little piglet will be a very valuable source of bacon.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Monday - I Mean Tuesday - Thing

Don't get me wrong here – I'm certainly not complaining about having yesterday off. (I'll take a three-day weekend any week of the year.) But three-day weekends do have a way of ruining your Tuesdays, now don't they? It's like taking the two worst days of the work week (Monday and Tuesday) and lumping them together into one giant headache. And sure some optimistic people might offer some weak comparison to Band-Aid removal (i.e. “One quick rip and it's over with...”), but I find that I need a little more help getting through those tough Tuesday-afters. So in an effort to help myself (as well as you, the reader), I have listed a few tips below that might just help make this day a little more bearable.

  • To help you remember that it is Tuesday: write the word “Tuesday” on a small strip of masking tape. Then apply the tape to your wrist watch, computer, or cellphone. That way you won't miss that big Tuesday morning meeting by thinking today is Monday. (Or better yet, write the words “Please remind me it's Tuesday” on that strip of tape, and apply it to your forehead. That way your coworkers will continue to remind you of the date throughout the day.)

  • Clear your schedule as much as possible today. Let's be honest here – everyone in the office is going to be having a rough day, so why bother trying to accomplish anything yourself? Just go into the office, sit back, and wait for all your coworkers to come running in for your help in fixing the fax machine, completing that report that was due last Friday, and appeasing the clients your coworkers forgot at the airport yesterday.

  • Skip that extra cup of coffee today. Sure you might need to accomplish two-days worth of work in just one measly Tuesday, but all that added caffeine is just going to make things worse. After all – just think how much work you will have to catch up on if you spend this afternoon in the ER with caffeine-induced heart palpitations...

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sausage and Apple-Stuffed Cabbage Rolls

SAUSAGE AND APPLE-STUFFED CABBAGE ROLLS

Filled with white rice, sweet Italian sausage, and tart Granny Smith apples, this recipe for Sausage and Apple-Stuffed Cabbage Rolls is sure to become a family favorite.

Serves 4

1
small head (1 to 1 ½ pounds) green cabbage, cored
½
pound sweet Italian sausage, casings removed and crumbled
1
tablespoon olive oil
1
medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
1
large Granny Smith apple, peeled and cut into ¼-inch cubes
4
cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1
tablespoon fresh rosemary, finely chopped
4
cups cooked white rice, cooled
¼
cup golden raisins
½
cup apple juice

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2
cups prepared tomato sauce

Sour cream, for garnish

In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook the cabbage, turning occasionally, until tender, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove the cabbage and immediately submerge in a bowl of iced water, chilling until easy to handle. Drain the cabbage and gently separate the leaves. Set aside.

Preheat the oven to 400ºF. In a large skillet set over medium-high heat, cook the sausage, stirring often, until golden brown and cooked through. Remove from the skillet and reserve. Return the skillet to the heat and pour in the oil. Add the onion and apple. Cook, stirring occasionally, until lightly golden and tender, about 5 minutes. Then, toss in the garlic and rosemary. Continue to cook until fragrant, about 1 minute more. Remove from the heat.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the onion and apple mixture with the cooked white rice, raisins, apple juice, and the cooked sausage. Stir until combined, and season to taste with salt and black pepper. Lay 8 large cabbage leaves out on a clean work surface (overlapping smaller leaves to form larger leaves, if necessary.) Top each leaf with about ¾ cup of the rice filling. Then, roll the filling up in the cabbage leaves, tucking in the ends as you roll. Set aside.

Shred any remaining cabbage leaves and place in the bottom of an 8½-by-11-inch baking dish. Spoon over 1 cup of tomato sauce, then arrange the prepared cabbage rolls on top, seam-side-down. Spoon over the remaining cup of tomato sauce. Bake in the preheated oven (covering with foil, if necessary, to prevent excess browning) until hot and bubbly, about 30 minutes. Remove and cool slightly before serving with dollops of sour cream. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Breaking Resolutions

Well, we're about two weeks into this new year, now. So I think it's safe to say that we've probably all broken a resolution or two for this year. But that's no need to forget about those resolutions entirely. Just... tweak them a bit. For example:

  • If you resolved to eat healthier this year, your resolution could be tweaked to – eat healthier junk food this year.

  • If you resolved to exercise daily this year, your resolution could be tweaked to – not sit all day this year.

  • Similarly, a resolution to spend less money on shoes could be tweaked to – spend less money on socks this year.

  • A resolution to spend more time with the family could be tweaked to – spend more time emailing the family.

  • And finally, a resolution to drink less this year could be tweaked to – drink less next year.

I hope that helps! Good luck sticking to those resolutions!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

National Oatmeal Month!

Happy National Oatmeal Month everyone! Why do we need a month to celebrate oatmeal, you might ask. Well...

Yeah, I don't know. But apparently someone, somewhere loved oatmeal so much that he/she/it decided to dedicate the entire month of January to this most simple of cereals. And since I can't help but partake of each and every celebration, I've complied of list of 20 things to do with oatmeal in the hopes that you will join me this month in honoring everyone's favorite childhood gruel.

  • Eat oatmeal every morning this month as a heart-healthy breakfast.
  • Make oatmeal raisin cookies.
  • Make oatmeal bread, biscuits, scones, muffins, pancakes, souffles, or just about any other thing you can think of.
  • Exfoliate face with oatmeal and olive oil mixture.
  • Fill an inflatable children's pool with oatmeal and commence oatmeal wrestling.
  • Grind oatmeal up into a powder, mix with water, and use mixture to re-grout the bathroom tiles.
  • Use as kitty litter.
  • Sprinkle on icy spots in the driveway to provide better traction.
  • Mix up a dense batch of oatmeal and attempt to use as modeling clay.
  • Encourage the children to play doctor by creating oatmeal casts around “broken” arms, legs, and faces.
  • If the children are unsuccessful in creating oatmeal casts, then smear their faces and limbs with oatmeal and allow them to play leper colony.
  • Throw oatmeal like confetti at every holiday, birthday, wedding, and funeral that occurs this month.
  • Use as a prop in a production of “Oliver Twist.”
  • Throw on floor and walk across for a cheap foot massage.
  • Use as a substitute for sand when sandblasting the house.
  • Glue dry oatmeal to the wall for a faux-finished stucco look.
  • Sprinkle in the fridge to absorb bad odors.
  • To relieve your dog's dry and flaky skin, coat the animal in a thick layer of oatmeal, allow the oatmeal to set until dry, and then flake off.
  • Pack your shoes with oatmeal before storing them. This will keep your shoes from becoming misshapen.
  • Reuse the oatmeal container like a bongo drum.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Houseplant Appreciation Day

Happy Houseplant Appreciation Day everyone! Why do we need an entire day devoted to appreciating our houseplants? I dunno... But if we interpret the word “houseplant” loosely and include such things as wallflowers and shrinking violets, then I think that today would be the perfect time to drag out all those introverted friends of yours, and show them a good time. Just be sure to make the activities introvert-friendly. Some examples of introvert-friendly activities include:

  • Movie theater going (nothing like sitting in a dark room and staring at a screen...)

  • Dog walking (not like the introvert is going to speak up and say “No, I don't want to scoop the poop!”)

  • Snake chasing (it's doubtful you'll run into anyone else doing this, which precludes the possibility of getting roped into a conversation with other snake chasing enthusiasts.)

  • Old folks home visiting (the residents can't hear you anyway, so no pressure for speech there...)

  • Bar hopping (that'll loosen that introvert's tongue!)

  • Houseplant appreciating (introverted people are usually quite creative, so let them figure out how to appreciate your houseplants for you...)

Monday, January 9, 2012

I'm Sorry, But I Cannot Attend Your Party Because...

Let's be honest here – after all the office parties, holiday get-togethers, and New Year's Eve benders, I think the last thing any of us wants to do is attend yet another celebration. With all the noise... and the crowds... and the expensive gifts to give, it's a wonder why we attend any holiday parties. But no matter the reason for all that holiday cheer, I think it is probably safe to assume that we would all like a little time off from the party scene. (If not for our own mental healthy, than certainly for the health of our wallets and livers...) And so in an attempt to help you avoid that next major shindig, allow me to offer you a few helpful excuses that should help you weasel your way out of that next big party.


I'm sorry, but I cannot attend your party because...

  • I have to take my pet chihuahua to the taxidermist that day.

  • I'm feeling a case of the hiccups coming on.

  • I have to take my bicycle into the repair shop this afternoon. I hit a pigeon this morning...

  • I have to get back home. I'm expecting a call from my parole officer.

  • My psychic told me to avoid your crab dip.

  • I caught mono from your spouse during your last party.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Chicken Salad in Lettuce Cups

CHICKEN SALAD IN LETTUCE CUPS

This recipe for Chicken Salad in Lettuce Cups in a healthy recipe that should help keep you on track with that new year's resolution diet.

Serves 4

1
quart homemade chicken stock, or low-sodium canned chicken broth

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
4
ounces snow peas, thinly sliced on a bias
1
pound skinless boneless chicken breasts, trimmed
2
scallions, trimmed and thinly sliced
¼ – 1
small red chili pepper, ribs and seeds removed and minced (optional)
1
clove garlic, peeled and finely minced
1
tablespoon fresh cilantro, chopped
2
tablespoons toasted sesame oil
1
tablespoon soy sauce
1
tablespoon freshly squeeze lime juice
1
head Boston lettuce, leaves separated
1
medium carrot, peeled and cut into matchsticks
¼
cup salted dry-roasted peanuts, chopped

In a medium pot, bring the chicken stock to a boil. Season the stock well with salt and then add in the snow peas. Blanch until the peas are tender-crisp, 1 to 2 minutes. With a slotted spoon, remove the snow peas and run them under cold water until well chilled. Set aside.

Return the pot of stock to the heat. Place the chicken breasts in the boiling stock and reduce to a simmer. Cover the pot and simmer until the chicken is cooked through, 15 to 20 minutes. Drain the chicken and set aside until cool enough to handle.

Cut the chicken into ½-inch cubes and combine in a mixing bowl with the reserved snow peas, scallions, chili, garlic, and cilantro. Drizzle the salad with the sesame oil, soy sauce, and lime juice. Toss until well combined. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Then cover with a sheet of plastic wrap and refrigerate until well chilled, about 1 hour.

When ready to serve, arrange the lettuce leaves on 4 serving plates. Top each lettuce leaf with about ¼ cup of the chicken salad mixture. Then, garnish the salad with a sprinkling of carrot and peanuts and season with additional salt and black pepper, if necessary.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Weight Loss Resolution

Each year, millions of Americans resolve to eat better, exercise more, and lose weight. And I suppose that is to be expected. Christmas is, after all, the season of over-indulgence – the food is rich, the portions are large, and the activity is mostly sedentary. In fact, I would go so far as to propose we rename Christmas to something a little more... descriptive. How does Gain-mass sound to everyone? It might not exactly apply to the religious aspect of the holiday, but it certainly does describe the event's main activity – packing on the pounds. Can't you just see it now - people walking down the streets with fudge, cookies, and cake in-hand, wishing everyone they meet a Merry Gain-mass and a fatter New Year?

But regardless of how much you've berated yourself for buttering that slice of holiday fruitcake or baconing (yes, I'm using bacon as a verb here) that Christmas roast, it is a new year. And that means it is time to forgive your holiday gluttony and start anew with the ambition to lose all that excess weight before next Gain-mass Eve. And so below I have listed a few of my favorite weight-loss tips.

  • Take the stairs! When I lived in Italy I was skinny as a rail because I lived on the fifth floor of an elevator-less building. Take the stairs whenever possible!

  • Forget about buying that big, expensive exercise machine. Let's be honest here – you'll use it once, and then it will sit there collecting dust like a monument to shattered weight loss dreams. Instead, find a hobby that involves activity. Sports, martial arts, snowshoeing, hiking, and even vacuuming your house at a fast pace will get you up on your feet and moving.

  • Get a diet buddy. Or better yet, get a diet dog. My diet dog is named Abby, and she sits beside me whining every time I eat. And maybe I'm just a weak person, but I can never resist her big, sad puppy eyes. So inevitably I give her half of whatever is on my plate. (It works out though – I lose weight, she gains weight, and we're both happier for it.)

  • Resolve to buy lunch at that funny-smelling health-foods store at least once a week. Sure the guy behind the counter looks like he hasn't eaten since the 1960s and most of the food tastes strangely of dirt and plastic, but one of those super healthy lunches each week can do wonders for your waistline.

  • Replace all the mirrors in your home with fun-house mirrors. They might not actually make you thinner, but it sure does feel good to look in the mirror and see that you're 8 feet tall with a trim waist and a broad chest.

Of course, talk to your doctor before beginning this or any weight loss regiment. And remember, even if you can't keep your resolution and lose that weight, youcan always get fatter friends who will make you look thinner by comparison.