Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice

BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP WITH WILD RICE

Garnished with crispy pancetta, tart Granny Smith apples, and fragrant wild rice, this recipe for Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice is an autumn favorite that everyone is sure to enjoy.

Serves 6 to 8

1	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2	tablespoons olive oil
2	butternut squashes(about 1¾-pound each), peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks
1	medium sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
2	sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked
¼	teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
pinch	Cayenne pepper
1	quart homemade chicken stock, or low-sodium canned chicken broth
4	ounces pancetta, cut into ¼-inch cubes
2	Granny Smith apples, peeled and cut into ¼-inch cubes
1	leek, white and light green parts thinly sliced and well rinsed
2	cups heavy cream
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2	cups wild rice, cooked
¼	cup walnuts, toasted and chopped (optional)

In a large stockpot, combine the onion with the olive oil. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Add the squash, sweet potato, garlic, thyme, pumpkin pie spice, Cayenne pepper, and chicken stock. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes. (If necessary, add additional chicken stock or water to keep the vegetables covered.)


Meanwhile, in a skillet set over medium-high heat, cook the pancetta until crispy. Using a slotted spoon, remove the pancetta and set aside. Toss the apples and leek into the skillet and cook in the pancetta drippings until tender, 5 to 8 minutes. Remove and set aside.


Remove the soup from the heat and purée until smooth in a blender. Stir in the heavy cream and season with salt and black pepper. Pour the soup into serving bowls and top each with some of the wild rice, walnuts, and reserved apple and pancetta mixture.  

The No-Gift Birthday Gift

Is there someone in your life who hates to receive birthday gifts? A person who, for some odd reason, vehemently dislikes the idea of anyone purchasing a special gift in celebration of his/her life? Well, I think we all have someone like that in our lives. And it sure does make birthday gift shopping a great inconvenience, now doesn't it? I mean - how dare they be so selfish. Why not just make a wish list like the rest of us and hand it out like Halloween candy? So inconsiderate... Well anyway... my rantings aside - if you are currently attempting to purchase a birthday gift for just such a person and are having no luck, allow me to suggest one of the following “no-gift” ideas. They're gifts, but that birthday boy/girl will never know it...

• Donate some money to some charity and simply put the donation in the birthday boy's/girl's name. (This has become the classic gift of choice for such stubborn birthday boys/girls.)
  
  
• Purchase a magazine subscription for the birthday boy/girl. Chances are the first issue of the magazine won't arrive until well after the birthday party. And when it does finally arrive, he/she will have long since forgotten that it was a birthday gift and just enjoy the magazine.
• Enroll the birthday boy/girl in the mustard of the month club. Who is really going to complain about getting a jar of mustard once a month?
  
  
• Give him/her an open bottle of alcohol. (Open because if he/she needs to open the bottle, it will seem like you intentionally went to the liquor store to purchase a birthday gift. Whereas we want it to appear like you simply rifled under your kitchen sink for some booze to bring to the BYOB birthday party...)
  
  
• And finally, if all else fails, stop by the local novelty shop and pick up a pile of fake dog poo. That way if you do get around to the gift giving, the birthday boy/girl simply laughs at your gag gift and moves on. And if you don't get around to exchanging gifts, you can simply drop the poo pile on the floor and get the boring birthday party over with already.

Elephant Sconces and Other Gifts

Has this ever happened to you? It's some other special occasion, and a dear friend excitedly gives you a gift. You open up the beautifully wrapped package, look inside, and with all the composure and honesty of a politician you graciously thank your friend for the... creatively hand-painted, elephant-shaped, ceramic wall sconce and matching peanut-themed candles... Well if this has ever happened to you, you might be concerned about what to do with such a... “special” gift. So, today I will offer you some other ideas that should enable you to “use” that gift in a way that is both considerate of your friend's feelings and yet ironically fitting for such a hideous present.

• If the gift is mainly ornamental in nature, proudly display it in the bathroom (preferably a bathroom you don't use very often, if that's an option). Your friend will assume that his/her present has been given a place of honor next to your throne, while you'll know that it's actually in the crapper because it's a piece of...
  
  
• If the gift is seasonal in nature, display it somewhere in the house for that first year, and then pack it away in the basement with the rest of your seasonal ornaments. Then, sometime next summer after a particularly bad rain storm, hose down the basement, invite your friend over to help clean up after the “flood,” and “disappointedly” tell your friend that his/her gift was unfortunately damaged during the great basement flood of 2012.
  
  
• If the gift is particularly fragile, purchase a very tippy pedestal to precariously perch the gift upon. Then, give your children some hockey sticks, some soccer balls, or even a greased up piglet and let nature take it's course...
  
  
• And if all else fails, do what you did in grade school – hide it under the sofa and tell your friend “the dog ate it.”

Eau de Gypsy and Other Smells...

So I have this little herb garden in the backyard. And the other day I spent an afternoon, harvesting the herbs, washing and picking the leaves from their stalks, and drying the herbs out in a 250-degree Fahrenheit oven for winter storage, right? Well.. now my house smells like a delightful menagerie of roasted basil, thyme, coriander, and tarragon. It's a... curious smell that I've nickname Eau de Gypsy Witch Doctor. So in an attempt to air the place out, I have compiled a list of some of the best ways to get a stink out of your kitchen. Enjoy!

• Add a few drops of vanilla extract to a cup of water and nuke the mixture in the microwave until hot and fragrant.
  
  
• Bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies (just be sure to clean the oven out before doing this, otherwise they might taste like basil chip cookies...)
  
  
• Run a pot of vinegar through the coffee machine. Not only will this clean your coffee maker, but it will effectively cover up any foul-smelling odors with the nose hair-burningly strong aroma of vinegar.
  
  
• Scrub the floors with Pine-Sol. Any guest in your home will simply think that the herbal smell is your Christmas tree... Which was put up in September for some reason...
  
  
• And finally, if all else fails, turn down the thermostat, put on a heavy jacket, and open up all the doors and windows to air the place out with that chilly autumn breeze.

Five Fun Hangover Cures from Around the World

Well assuming that you are celebrating Oktoberfest properly, you are most likely finding it quite difficult to get back to work this Monday morning. But don't worry - with a little help from me, you'll be feeling awake, energized, and ready for a new work week. (Or well... At the very least, you'll be ready to head into the office and stare blankly at your computer screen while eating Tylenol like Tic Tacs and cursing how delicious German beer really is...) So without further ado, I give you - Five Fun Hangover Cures from Around the World:

• Drink some pickle juice. As unpleasant as it sounds, in Poland this is a common treatment that is believed to replenish the body's supply of essential minerals.
  
  
• If there happens to be a Russian market in your city, stop by and purchase a can of Rassol – a carbonated form of sauerkraut juice (that's right I said “sauerkraut juice”) that helps increase your electrolyte levels.
  
  
• Bulgarians and Romanians believe that the surest way to get rid of that post-Oktoberfest hangover is a healthy bowl of cold tripe soup. Of course this option does require that you prepare a batch of tripe soup the night before and store it in the refrigerator... But life does, after all, require a certain measure of prior planning, now doesn't it?
  
  
• In Slovakia, it is common to treat that headache with a hot bowl of garlic soup. But let's face it – that doesn't do anything for the headache. It just makes your breath smell so bad that people leave you alone for the day...
  
  
• And lastly, if those other options don't work for you, then do as the Irish do – bury yourself up to the neck in moist river sand. That's right – river sand. Why do they think this will help? Well... I don't know. But my theory is that if you are buried up to the neck in river sand, the only thing to do is take a nap. And let's face it, the best way to get rid of a hangover is to sleep it off...

I hope these tips help. And be sure to enjoy the rest of your Oktoberfest!

Spinach-Stuffed Pork Loin

SPINACH-STUFFED PORK LOIN

This recipe for Spinach-Stuffed Pork Loin is a delicious and elegant dinnertime idea that is surprisingly simple to prepare.

Serves 6 to 8

3	tablespoons olive oil
1½	cups baby spinach, trimmed and rinsed
1½	cups Swiss chard, coarsely chopped and rinsed
½	medium yellow onion, peeled and chopped
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
¼	cup golden raisins
¼	cup pine nuts (optional)
pinch	ground nutmeg
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1	boneless pork loin (about 4-pounds), trimmed and butterflied
2	sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked

Warm 1 tablespoon of the olive oil in a skillet set over medium heat. Add the spinach and Swiss chard, as well as any water that clings to the leaves. Cover the skillet and cook, tossing occasionally, until the leaves are tender and wilted, about 4 minutes. Remove the spinach and Swiss chard from the skillet and set aside.


Return the skillet to the heat and add an additional tablespoon of the oil. Toss in the onion and garlic. Cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Remove from the heat and combine with the reserved spinach mixture. Stir in the raisins, pine nuts, and nutmeg. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. Set aside to cool to room temperature.


Preheat the oven to 450°F. Place the pork loin cut-side-up on a work surface. Season with salt and black pepper. Spread the cooled spinach mixture over the pork. Roll the pork up and tie with butchers' twine. Brush the outside of the pork loin with the remaining tablespoon of oil. Sprinkle with the thyme leaves and season with salt and black pepper.


Place the pork in a 9-by-13-inch roasting pan. Roast in the preheated oven until an instant- read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the pork loin registers 145°F, about 35 to 40 minutes. Remove from the oven and rest 10 minutes before removing the butchers' twine ties and slicing the pork loin into ¼-inch thick slices.

End of Summer Blowout!

With tomorrow officially being the first day of autumn (not that the weather around here has been particularly summer-like for the past month...), I thought that today I would offer you a few end-of-summer entertaining ideas. After all, we are going to have to wait several more months before we can once again break out that barbecue, fudge those sundaes, and suntan those pasty white thighs of yours. So why not enjoy this final day of summer?

• Though it is probably too chilly to do very much swimming, that's no reason not to fill up some balloons with warm tap water and have an end-of-summer water-balloon fight! It's a fun activity that also serves as a preview for this year's snowball fight season. So fill some balloons and start chucking them at your kids, your neighbors, and that old cane-bearing lady that hobbles her way out to the mailbox each afternoon.
  
  
• If you don't feel like standing outside tending a barbecue all afternoon, then forget about the end-of-summer barbecue and host an end-of-summer deep-fry-athon instead. Not only does one of those large outdoor deep-fryers cook your food quickly, but the deep-fried chicken, French fries, Oreos, and ice cream should also help you put on a layer of fat that will keep you warm throughout the winter months.
  
  
• Bonfires are always a summertime pleasure. And since you're probably feeling a little chilly right about now anyway, why not light one up? It's an opportunity to toast s'mores, tell ghost stories, and best of all – since it gets dark out so early now, you can light the fire early in the day and get to bed at a reasonable hour...
  
  
• And finally, it wouldn't be summer without beer. So stock up the fridge, invite some friends over, and start celebrating. Because after all – it's Oktoberfest!

Oktoberfest

Since we are in the middle of Oktoberfest right now, I thought I would provide you with a few key tips to surviving this most festive time of year.

• First and foremost – pace yourself. It's very easy to drink too much, too quickly and ruin your entire Oktoberfest experience. And if you simply can't control yourself, then at the very least, stay away from the pickled pork knuckles – they taste even worse on the way back up...
  
  
• Dress for success – this is the only time of year when a guy can wear lederhosen and get away with it. So why not, eh?
  
  
• If you are particularly prone to the drunken giggles, plan ahead - wear Depends. Because let's face it, after enough beer, you're going to be laughing so hard you'll likely wet your pants...
  
  
• And lastly, be sure to eat LOTS of food. Not only will it help you stomach all the beer, but the food is an integral part of the Oktoberfest experience. Plus, it's the end of summer – who really cares if you pack on a few pounds? You'll need the extra insulation this winter anyway. So enjoy those pretzels, those roast chickens, and that thick German sausage.

The Lazy Breakfast

Are you having one of those mornings when you just don't want to crawl out of bed? One of those days, when the last thing you want to do is head into the kitchen and make yourself a healthy breakfast? Well, before you dive into last night's leftover Kung Pao and that box of stale oyster crackers, let me offer you a few other breakfast ideas that take as little effort as possible.

• Apple wedges, banana slices, and/or Oreos dipped directly into a jar of peanut butter
  
  
• Cold Pop-Tarts smeared with jelly, peanut butter, or cream cheese
  
  
• Dried fruit, nuts, and honey stirred into a cup of yogurt, pudding, or sweetened condensed milk
  
  
• Cold cereal with milk, yogurt, or melted ice cream
  
  
• And if all you really want is a fancy cup of coffee, then take last night's leftover cold coffee and blend it together with some vanilla ice cream for a delicious iced coffee smoothie

Food for Wood Piling

After a week spent piling firewood in anticipation of this winter's chilly temperatures, I have concluded that piling firewood is... AWFUL. But like all awful tasks in life, firewood piling can be made better with a little creative cookery. So without further ado, I give you:

Five Foods for Wood Piling

• A 12-foot party sub sandwich is a great option. Not only does it contain plenty of cold cuts (a great source of protein to keep you going strong), but its ridiculously large size will also encourage friends, family, and neighbors to stop by and enjoy a slice of sub - as well as obligate them to help out with some of the wood piling...
  
  
• A thermos of chili also works. The hot chili will keep you nice and warm, plus its smelly side effects will be far less noticeable since most of your wood piling work will be done outdoors.
  
  
• Margaritas are another great option. You can't go wrong with margaritas.
  
  
• Caramel apples... corn dogs... and well... anything else served on a stick really, make convenient wood piling snack choices. After all, your hands are going to get pretty dirty piling all that firewood. And who really wants to be bothered with hand washing before eating a snack?
  
  
• And if those options don't work for you, then why not make yourself an ice cream sundae, sit back, and enjoy one final day of sunshine? After all, you can always pile the firewood tomorrow...

Gratin of Potatoes and Sausage

GRATIN OF POTATOES AND SAUSAGE

As our area farmers begin to harvest their potatoes, you might be looking for an interesting potato recipe idea. And this recipe for Gratin of Potatoes and Sausage is just that – a creative and delicious dish that showcases all those wonderful Maine potatoes.

Serves 4 to 6

1	tablespoon olive oil, plus more for greasing
8	ounces sweet Italian sausage, casings removed and crumbled
1	medium yellow onion, peeled and thinly sliced
4	cloves garlic, peeled and minced
3	tablespoons all-purpose flour
1½	cups milk
pinch	ground nutmeg
	Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2	pounds Russet potatoes, cut into ¼-inch slices, boiled until tender, and drained
1	tablespoon fresh sage leaves, coarsely chopped
½	cup Swiss cheese, shredded

Preheat the oven to 375ºF and move the oven rack so it sets in the upper third of the oven. Lightly grease a 1½-quart baking dish with olive oil and set aside. In a skillet set over medium-high heat, combine the sausage and onion with the olive oil. Cook, stirring often, until the sausage is cooked through and the onion is golden brown, 4 to 6 minutes. Add the garlic and cook an additional minute.


If necessary, drain off all but 2 tablespoons of the drippings from the skillet. Stir in the flour, followed by the milk and nutmeg. Reduce the heat to medium and cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens. Remove from the heat and season with salt and black pepper.


Gently mix the cooked potatoes and sage leaves into the sausage mixture. Pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish and spread out into an even layer. Top the gratin with the shredded Swiss cheese.


Bake the gratin in the preheated oven until the top is well browned and bubbly, 30 to 40 minutes. Then, remove from the oven and cool for 10 minutes before serving.

Homework Exercises

Does your child become less active while school is in session? Between the pressures of classes, homework, and exams, it can be quite difficult for anyone to find time for fun and exercise. So in an effort to help you get your kids moving, I have compiled a list of fun activities that you can do with your children. Most of these ideas only take a few minutes (so as not to take your children away from their homework for too long), but they should keep your kids active throughout the school year.

• Jump up and down on the bed. Sure most parents would say this is a “No, no.” But when the options are having your children get a little bed-jumping cardio workout, or having them sit in front of a video game console eating cheese puffs, I think we should just let them jump on the bed. Don't you agree?
  
  
• Instigate a playful sibling fight as they get off the bus. It really doesn't matter who throws the first snowball, mudball, or fistful of soggy autumn leaves. What matters is that the kids are running around the front yard having fun and getting exercise before diving into their mountain of homework.
  
  
• If they want a pet dog, get them a pet dog. Sure pets can be hard on the furniture... and the floors... and well... the house, in general. But at least you can always send the dog out to walk the kids.
  
  
• Insist that they attend swim lessons. Yes it takes time out of your day, and yes most children hate getting into that pool, but it is a valuable life skill. And if that frigid pool water won't get their legs kicking and hearts pounding, then I just don't know what will.
  
  
• And lastly, I've said it before and I'll say it again – nothing gets kids up and running like a greased up piglet.

Housekeepers Week!

Happy International Housekeepers Week everybody! Why do we need a week devoted to housekeepers, you might ask. Well... we have a week for everything else (from Avocado Awareness to Zombie Day). So why not a week devoted to housekeepers? And in celebration of International Housekeepers Week, I have listed a few fun housekeeping activities that you can enjoy with your family and/or friends.

• Attach Swiffer pads to your children's feet and have them race up and down the halls (picking up dirt, dust, and dust bunnies all the while...).
  
  
• Invite your cute neighbor(s) over for a French maid-themed housecleaning party.
  
  
• Defrost the freezer and make freezer frost snowmen.
  
  
• Hold a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner race and/or Roomba robot vacuum cleaner death match (all the while getting your rugs nice and clean...).
  
  
• And if all that still seems like too much work, start hanging up some fake cobwebs, spiders, and bats. And then tell all your guests that the dust, dirt, and grim are simply other props to add ambiance to your annual Halloween haunted house!

Autumn Dating

As the days get cooler and the nights longer, you might be on the lookout for that special someone to hunker down with for the winter. And since it has been a while since I covered the topic of dating, I thought that I would provide you today with a few more tips to successful dating:

• Dress for success. Sure, it might be kind of fun to dress up like Lady Gaga or Russell Brand, but somehow I don't think you're going to be asked out for very many seconds dates if you wear lobster hats and/or ridiculous amounts of dirty-pirate brand eye-liner...
  
  
• Don't talk about yourself all the time during the date. Not only does it make you seem self-centered, but it also forces you to come up with all the conversation topics. And let's be honest here, eventually you're going to run out of interesting things to say about yourself, and resort to telling your date stories about how you once made a miniature stuffed poodle out of foot fuzz and pipe cleaners...
  
  
• If you are going out to eat on your date, be sure to eat a light meal before meeting your date. That way if your date takes you to one of those terrible macrobiotic/vegan/fruitarian restaurants that only serves organic wheatgrass juice, tofu, and some house specialty called the Mother Earth Mousse, you will have at least eaten something ahead of time and won't get hungry and cranky during the date.
  
  
• And lastly, if the night is not going well, don't make up some excuse to get away. That's inconsiderate. No instead, just start talking about all of your ex's. After just 15 minutes of listening to you talk about your ex's cankles, stray hairs, and sci-fi fixations, your date will be headed for the door in no time.

For the “Guy Who Has it All”

Don't you just hate buying birthday presents for that “guy who has it all?” No matter how many catalogues you flip through and websites you visit, you inevitably end up walking down the aisles of your local garden supply/tractor supply/hardware supply/underwear supply store hoping that the perfect gift will just jump right off the rack and into your cart. And of course, in the end you discover that great gifts don't just kamikaze their way into your shopping cart. So you're left to purchase that ubiquitous necktie, socket set, or lifetime membership to the Mustard of the Month Club.

Well, if you are currently on a mission to find that perfect gift for the “guy who has it all,” and are coming up a little short - don't worry. Today, I will share with you some great gift ideas that every “guy who has it all” is sure to enjoy.

• A gift basket filled with every size, color, and brand of duct tape that you can find – he'll always need duct tape.
  
  
• A Superman cape – he'll laugh at you when you give it to him, but he'll still wear it around the house when nobody else is home...
  
  
• A bottle of vodka – which is an especially entertaining gift to give when it is paired with a Superman cape.
  
  
• A gum ball machine – you can never have enough gum balls!
  
  
• Novelty toilet paper – not only is this a useful and practical gift, but what guy wouldn't want to wipe things up with hundred-dollar-bill-colored toilet paper?

I hope these ideas help, and I wish you good luck in your birthday present shopping! 

Strawberry-White Chocolate Napoleons

STRAWBERRY-WHITE CHOCOLATE NAPOLEONS

A Napoleon is a French dessert made up of layers of flaky puff pastry and rich pastry cream. And my recipe for Strawberry-White Chocolate Napoleons is so simple and so delicious, that you're going to make it again and again.

Serves 4

1	sheet (½ of a 17.3-ounce package) frozen puff pastry, thawed and cut into 6 equal rectangles
3	tablespoons cornstarch
2	tablespoons granulated sugar
Pinch	kosher salt
1½	cups milk
2	large egg yolks
6	ounces white chocolate, coarsely chopped
1	teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½	cup heavy cream, whipped to stiff peaks
1½	cups fresh strawberries, hulled and sliced in half
	Roasted pistachios, coarsely chopped, for garnish

Preheat the oven to 400ºF and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Arrange the puff pastry on the prepared baking sheet, spacing about 1 inch apart. Cover with a second sheet of parchment paper and top with a wire rack. (This will keep the puff pastry a uniform thickness.) Bake in the preheated oven until golden, 20 to 30 minutes. Remove and set aside to cool. Then, use a serrated knife to split each puff pastry rectangle in half. Set aside.


Meanwhile, whisk together the cornstarch, sugar, and salt in a saucepan. Gradually whisk in the milk, followed by the egg yolks. Set the pan over medium heat and cook, stirring constantly, until thickened to a puddling-like consistency, about 10 minutes.


Pass the pudding through a fine mesh sieve, discarding any remaining solids. Stir in the chocolate and vanilla extract. Cover with a sheet of plastic wrap (pressing the plastic directly onto the surface of the pudding), and refrigerate until well chilled, about 1 hour.


Fold the whipped cream into the chilled pudding. Top 8 of the reserved puff pastry rectangles with some of the pudding mixture. Then, arrange some of the strawberries on top of the pudding. Assemble the napoleons by layering 2 pudding-topped puff pastry rectangles beneath 1 plain rectangle. Garnish with a sprinkling of the pistachios and serve.

Autumn Entertaining

As summer winds down to a close, you might be looking to host one last outdoor event before the snow flies. So today, I'll offer you a few ideas for fun outdoor parties that can be successfully hosted even during the chilly days of autumn.

• A bonfire is always a fun autumn activity. But if you are not permitted to light such a large fire in your area, then take advantage of all those end-of-season sales at your local garden supply store. You'd be amazed how much heat a couple dozen lit tiki torches, lanterns, fireworks, and jack-o-lanterns will put off when clustered together in your backyard.
  
  
• It's never to early to host your very own Oktoberfest! Let's be honest here, after a pint or two of good German beer, nobody is going to be feeling very chilly...
  
  
• Host a chili cook off. Let's face it - between the spicy chilies and the ensuing mushroom cloud of flatulence, people will be sweating in no time at all.
  
  
• Invite your friends over for a gypsy-themed dinner party. It's the perfect theme for outdoor entertaining, and it's easier than you might think. Simply open several cans of baked beans and warm them right over an open fire. Then, give all over you guests a shawl/blanket to keep warm in as they eat their can of beans. And finally, encourage the children to pick the pockets of all your guests. You and your guests will all have some cheap fun, and the children will get a little cash reward for running around and getting exercise instead of sitting inside playing video games. It's win, win!
  
  
• A good old fashioned barn raising, house painting, or leaf racking is also a great autumn party idea. So bribe some friends with promises of bacon, cookies, and hot cocoa; hand them whatever tool is necessary for the job; and get to work. After all, those leaves aren't going to rack themselves up...

Enjoy your autumn!

Ten Things to Do with Rice

Happy National Rice Month everybody! Rice - isn't it just such an exciting thing to celebrate? I mean, there's just so much that you can do with it! And in an effort to help you celebrate this wonderful month, I have compiled a list of all the possible things you can do with rice. Enjoy!

• Cook and eat rice at every meal.
• Drink rice wine at every meal.
• Fill an inflatable pool with cooked rice and go rice wrestling.
• Throw rice at every newly wed couple, birthday boy/girl, successful soccer team, and fiber-eating senior you see with month.
• Put white rice in your hair and pretend you have lice to get out of work...
• Stuff your mattress with rice to see if it helps your bad back.
• Feed it to that annoying Woody Woodpecker. “Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Poof!
• Rice art! It's the exact same thing as macaroni art, only the macaroni is substituted with rice, and the process is even more boring than macaroni art...
• Bedazzle your favorite shirt with rice.
• Fill your bathroom cabinet with rice to surprise any nosy dinner guests.

Five Excuses for Calling In

Was the three-day weekend just a little too relaxing? Are you now finding it difficult to drag yourself out of bed and get back to work? Well don't worry, because today I have five fool-proof excuses that should get you another day off.

Five Excuses for Calling In*

• At this weekend's family reunion, you discovered why your five-year-old nephew is nicknamed Itchy. And now you need to go get some lice shampoo...
  
  
• You need to take your ant farm to the vet today because it has worms.
  
  
• You hosted your annual Labor Day chili, baked bean, and cabbage tasting party yesterday, and the “side effects” are still in effect today...
  
  
• You just discovered that all of your clothes are white, and you have nothing to wear now that it is after Labor Day.
  
  
• Your car was stolen, converted into a mermaid-shaped parade float, and driven down Main Street during that annual Labor Day parade. And now you have to track down the thief, scrape off the flowers, streamers, and coconut shells, and vacuum the sand out of the trunk before you can drive the car to work.

*Not intended for long-term use. Speak to your doctor, spouse, and accountant before beginning this or any other kind of slack-off program. Possible side effects include: euphoria, weight gain, drowsiness, reality TV watching, HSN credit card charges, sofa butt, hair growth, drop foot, and job loss.

Blueberry-Maple Monkey Bread

BLUEBERRY-MAPLE MONKEY BREAD

As the days grow shorter and the mornings cooler, you may be in the mood for a delicious, hot-from-the-oven breakfast like this recipe for Blueberry-Maple Monkey Bread.

Makes one 10-inch loaf

1	packet (¼-ounce) active dry yeast
½	cup milk, warm (105ºF - 110ºF)
4	large egg yolks
¾	cup granulated sugar
1½	teaspoons ground cinnamon
1	teaspoon pure vanilla extract
¼	teaspoon kosher salt
3	cups all-purpose flour
1	cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted, plus more for greasing
½	cup dried blueberries
½	cup pecan halves, toasted and coarsely chopped
½	cup pure maple syrup
¼	cup light brown sugar, firmly packed

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the dough hook attachment, dissolve the yeast in the milk. Beat in the yolks, ¼ cup granulated sugar, 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon, vanilla extract, and salt. With the mixer running on low, incorporate the flour and ½ cup melted butter. Increase the mixer speed to medium and knead until the dough is smooth and elastic, 5 to 8 minutes. Stir in the blueberries. Transfer the dough to a greased bowl and cover with a sheet of plastic wrap. Allow to rise until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.


Meanwhile, grease a 10-inch Bundt pan. Combine the pecans, maple syrup, and brown sugar. Spread the mixture into an even layer at the bottom of the prepared Bundt pan. Set aside.


Sift together the remaining ½ cup granulated sugar and ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon into a shallow baking dish. Punch down the dough and divide into 24 equal pieces. Roll each piece of dough into a ball and dip each in the remaining melted butter. Then, roll the balls in the cinnamon sugar and arrange in the reserved Bundt pan. Cover the pan with plastic wrap and allow the Monkey Bread to rise until almost doubled in bulk, 30 to 40 minutes.


Preheat the oven to 375ºF. Bake the bread in the preheated oven until golden brown, 30 to 35 minutes. Then, remove from the oven and carefully invert the bread onto a serving tray.